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  1. #801
    Featured Blogger Rated_R(ob)KO's Avatar
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    JBW: “JINGLE BRAWL THE WAY!”



    *The cameras open to a screaming crowd at The Rocafeller Center in New York City!! JBW! JBW! JBW! JBW! JBW! JBW! is ringing through the streets. Everything is decorated for Christmas and the crowd is pumped. The cameras focus on a curtain. A drum roll hits and we get an opening dance from The Rockettes!!*



    *The crowd is losing their minds even more now! The JBW chants are relentless! All of a sudden, the theme song of one LARRY ZBYSCO hits and he makes his way to the ring in his finest yellow stained t-shirt, tighty whitey underwear with shit stain, socks held up by garders, slippers, and a cigar. Larry is smiling and saying how awesome he is.*



    *As Zbysco sits in his chair and puts his headset on we get a “HO! HO! HO!” over the loud speakers. SANTA CLAUS makes his way to the ring on a sled being drug out by reindeer.*



    *The crowd is clapping and cheering for Santa as he gets out of his sleigh and starts tossing candy and candy canes all around. He’s laughing and having a jolly old time. He settles next to Larry and puts his headset on. Our commentary team for the evening is LARRY ZBYSCO and SANTA CLAUS!! The opening video package airs.*


  2. #802
    Featured Blogger Rated_R(ob)KO's Avatar
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    ZBYSCO:”Will ya’ look at this glamorous spectacle! It’s all white out here! The lights are beautiful!! And man, we’re ready to get it going!”

    SANTA:”Yes, yes! Christmas time is my most WONDERFUL time! I love everything about it! *Santa smiles*

    ZBYSCO:*He looks at Santa with a weird expression.* “What the hell are you talking about Santa balls??? I’m talking about this fantastic mound of coke sitting in front of me and talking about the fucking acid I took before I came out here!! The lights are amazing and I’m definitely going… I pissed right when we started!”

    SANTA: “Where’d you pee at if you don’t mind my asking?”

    ZBYSCO: “Right in this seat you fucking fat jolly red nosed bitch!”

    SANTA: “Oh my… *Ahem* Well, needless to say, we have a very fantastic card for you fine people tonight! We have seven matches scheduled for you great people, the guys also wanted to do a gift to everyone and say what Christmas means to them. And we also have a couple musical performances as well! So without further adieu, lets get this shindig on the roa-ho-ho-ho-d!!”

    ZBYSCO: “I just put my pointer finger in my asshole and put it up to feel the breeze! New York City is hot and ready to FUCK! I’m gonna stick my dick in her all night long! YEAH! *Zbysco stands up and starts feeling himself.*

    *The crowd is pumped because they know they’re in for the night of their lives! It starts snowing outside lightly just as the first teams theme music hits.*



    SANTA: “Who-ho-ho-ho-a! Santa sees that this match is filled with a bunch of little boys that have been on my naughty list this year! Santa needs to have a talk with The Alpha Dog the MOST!

    *The second team comes out and the crowd erupts even further! You’ve seen a lot of top-tier talent just come through those curtains in a manner of minutes.*



    *The crowd is literally going crazy chanting “JBW” over and over again while all of these men are standing in the ring. Mainly all of them start hyping the crowd and smiling. Jman, in a festive pair of red trunks, grabs a mic from a stagehand and takes a seat on the top rope, and begins to speak.*

    Jman: “A Christmas show, huh? *big pop from the crowd* Listen, I know this time of year is supposed to be connected to warm and fuzzy feelings for people but, for me anyway, it’s bittersweet. I grew up in an environment where all the holiday cheer wasn’t really there. Family was never all that big in my childhood, and Christmastime never meant much.

    *big “awww” from the crowd*

    No, no, no guys, I’m not trying to depress anybody with this story; I’m just saying that I’ve always been kind of alone in the world. That’s why this business means so godamned much to me; for better or worse, those guys in that locker room are the only family I have.

    *cheers from the crowd*

    Really though, tonight is about you guys and about us putting on one helluva show for all of you. *big pop* Onto the business at hand now though.

    *Jman hops off the top rope, walks to the middle of the ring, and gets an intense look on his face as he stares straight into the camera*

    EWNCW, I hope you and all your idiotic fans are watching this because whenever this so-called “war” gets going Myself….Serra…Zeus….George…Siaki….Ma$$. ...Every incredible performer involved in this show won’t be going after each other anymore; We’ll be coming for you.

    *Massive pop from the crowd and every man in the ring as Jman begins stretching for the match.*

    (***SPECIAL NOTE: Ka$h was not aware of my opening for the match so, I'm leaving his intact***)

    MATCH NUMBER ONE:OPENING ORGASM”
    Zeus Apollo, Ryusuke "Shuriken" Serra, The Alpha Dog, Lenny Ray, and Felix Guerrero vs WARFare World Heavyweight Champion JMan, JBW SuperFly Champion Avidco, WARFare World Television Champion Malcolm Cage, and WARFare World Heavyweight Tag Team Champions Manabu & Snair

    Its The Alpha Dog, and he's off his head.

    The Alpha Dog walks out, to a wicked reaction from the crowd, he cups his hands to his mouth and yell's

    "IT'S DOMINATION TIME!"

    Santa: Now, this young man is a walking paradox. On one hand young Gabriel has been nice, but The Alpha Dog on the other hand has been downright naughty... You can see my dilemma.

    Larry: Hey, there are kids all across the world who don't get presents, and "Uncle Larry" knows for a fact that they have been nice. What's your story with them? Racist towards Shri Lankan minors much?

    Santa: What!?! I don't think I'm going to be able to take working with you, Larry, that was completely uncalled for. I need to speak to my agent "Mr Frosty" about this.

    Feliz Navidad from Felix Guerrero.

    Santa: For an outwardly cocky individual this man has a heart of gold. He'll be getting plenty of presents this year.

    Larry: Ka$h gave him an early christmas present when he gave this lame ass a JBW contract #shoot

    X-Mas greetings from "The South"

    Lenny walks out onto the stage wearing a grubby looking Santa beard, and a dip juice stained red outfit. He slightly stumbles -clearly having had too much "Christmas spirit" in the back- and spits into his dip cup, but most of it dribbles down his beard leaving a brown gooey streak. Lenny rubs it in with his free hand and makes his way to the ring.

    Larry: I gotts to admit, if I could come back and be one guy, its him. I mean, the guy owns his own goat for crying out loud! How could that not be the most awesome thing in the world? Plus, being from The South, its legal to have relations with family members, and growing up I had the hugest crush on my sister. Don't get me wrong, we had sex a few times, but we always had to be so damn sneaky about it. Kinda like you, Santa when you're creeping into kiddies bedrooms on the twenty fifth, using an excuse like "I'm here to give them presents when all you really wanna do is cop a stare" you no good bastard you.
    Last edited by Kashdinero; 12-25-2011 at 09:03 AM.

  3. #803
    Featured Blogger Rated_R(ob)KO's Avatar
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    SANTA: "That's slanderous! I need to speak to my lawyer "The Grinch" about that comment!"

    *Its the first ever guy to hold the world championship in both JBW and "The Other Guys Bush League.*

    Shuri is pure ownage

    Ryusuke walks out on the stage smiling. As he makes his way towards the ring his whole demeanour changes, and his eyes go black for a second, before turning back to normal.

    LARRY: "Wow! This guy just got a whole lot more interesting! This war with EWNCW has triggered a fire that we've never seen before."

    SANTA: "That was so naughty it was nice! Double presents for Serra!"

    The only Zeus worth a damn

    *The arena darkens, and lighting strikes the stage.... The thunder cracks as Zeus Apollo walks onto the stage to a booming ovation.*

    SANTA: "This guy is in the verge of becoming the biggest star in JBW, and 2012 is going to be HIS year... Mark my words."

    LARRY: "What I like about this guy is that he thinks he's more than he is. He is the true epitome of what a wrestler should think like."

    SANTA: "He once sent me a letter telling me to never send him another present again, and that as a god, he is above such things... I still send him one every year; just to wind him up!"

    *And now... The WARFare Champions.*



    *The TV Champ... Malcolm Cage... The Tag Champs Snair and Manabu AKA Definition Of Dominance... The SuperFly Champion Avidco... World Heavyweight Champion JMan. Once they are all on the stage together, several members of the papparazzi run on the stage and begin taking pictures of the five men that will be leading WARFare into the new year.*

    LARRY: "These guys aren't a patch on the champions back in my day. Guys like Crusher and The Destroyer would have crushed and destroyed these guys, and, hey, I just noticed something... All of WARFare's champions are babyfaces. Talk about fucking one sided!"

    SANTA: "Oh ho ho ho, I'll think you'll find that all ten of the participants in this match are babyfaces, young Larry."

    LARRY: "I haven't been called young Larry since the late 1800's.

    *Once all ten men are in the ring, the two teams square up to each other.

    Lenny Ray spits dip juice in Manabu's face.

    Manabu slaps the grubby looking beard off of Lenny's face!

    The two teams begin brawling, and this one is on.*



    part two

    *Snair and Manabu are brawling on the outside with Lenny and The Alpha Dog.

    Malcolm climbs to the top rope and hits a wild looking cross body wiping them all out and the crowd begin to go crazy.

    Back in the ring, Shuriken is laying in some sick looking kicks into the ribs of Zeus. He launches a missile kick towards his head, but Zeus ducks, and headbutts him in the face.

    JMan hits Zeus with "Great Match Lets Go Eat", but Zeus just stands there, and no sells it.


    JMan looks shocked, but his look of shock turns to one of anger, and he hits him with another -which brings him to knee, and then another which puts him on his back. Jman is about to go for the cover when Zeus nips up and lets out a god like roar, which makes JMan flinch back a little.

    Felix Guerrero takes advantage of the surprised World Heavyweight Champion and pounces onto his shoulders, and rolls trough into a pinning combination.*


    LARRY: "No way! One... Two... THREE!!! Are you fucking kidding me!"

    SANTA: "Felix Guerrero runs out of the ring. He can barely believe what has just happened here!"

    LARRY: "I can barely believe it... No offense, but if these guys were in a tournament, Felix would have been seeded tenth, and JMan would have been the number one seed! What an upset! Speaking of seed..."

    *Larry looks under the announce desk. My balls aren't going to empty themselves down there... Hurry up and blow!*

    Holiday Commercial #1:


    SANTA: “Now, before we get to the next match, our first guest of the night, Mr. Andy Amazing has something he wishes to say to the crowd at hand here. I know he better make haste due to him having a match soon!”

    *Andy makes his way to the ring, dressed in Christmas colored attire. He is wearing red and green wrestling pants. A knitted Christmas sweater that says “I love Ho Hoe Hoes” he even has a Santa hat on, as he is going to the ring he gives his Santa hat to a pretty blonde haired girl in the crowd, and he gets in the ring, and asks for a mic*

    AA: “I hope everyone is enjoying the holidays, as much as I am! I hope you got what you wanted under the tree. I'll tell you what I got a present for all of you tonight! I am going to kick someone’s ass! I don't care who that person is. I don't care where it is. I made a Christmas Poem for you everyone. Do you want to hear it?”

    *crowd chants “read it”, Andy clears his throat.*

    AA:” T’was the night before Christmas, when all through this arena
    Everyone is scared to wrestle Andy Amazing, even John Cena
    I'm ready to fight, I hope someone else is too.
    I hope someone comes down, I don't care who!

    Everyone is ready, I'm in my Christmas gear
    Ready to kick someone's ass and make the fans cheer!
    I'm getting impatient someone better show up,
    Even if you're a jobber or hell even a warm up.

    I hope everyone got what was on their list.
    Hell, I'm sure the Alpha Dog got more than just a holiday kiss

    I wonder if anyone got anything for Holy Jose
    Everyone knows he needs to see a shrink, and it'll be okay.

    That moves me on to Shuriken, Mr. Strong Style himself.
    Hentai is what he wanted, you know a couple to add to his shelf.
    I wonder if Roman Flare had some milk and Christmas Chips Ahoy
    Hell, I hope he got his match with Billy McCoy!

    Felix, or should I say Chavo Clone
    I hope someone bought you Rosetta Stone
    That brings me to another person, his name is Santiago.
    You know.. the guy who is nothing without his body guard..so

    Moving on to a guy named Dylan Cross, you know who I'm talking about.
    The first guy I faced, I turned his lights out.
    Well let's see here, I have a couple more to go.
    It would be just a waste of time to talk about Avidico.
    So Aretmis, Mr. Fuck the World, I'm all about me.
    I know why you wear that mask and I got you some cream for your acne

    To everyone in the back, who is listening with an open ear
    Andy is getting bored, so send someone out here!
    Last edited by Kashdinero; 12-25-2011 at 09:13 AM.

  4. #804
    Featured Blogger Rated_R(ob)KO's Avatar
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    *Waits for a minute*

    Looks like nobody wants to face me tonight and have the roofs be raising
    Well to damn bad, I'll fight someone in the back because I am

    *Andy raises arm and the crowd chants “AMAZING!”*

    Before I go in the back and find someone to fight
    I just want to say Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!”

    *While Andy is looking down to hand the stage hand the mic, he see’s Larry Zbysco smacking the table and giving the “O” face. All of a sudden 2 Vietnamese midgets, one male and one female pop out from under the desk and hop into the ring. They start humping Andy’s leg until he kicks them off and runs up the ramp and into the back.*

    SANTA: “Excuse me Mr. Zbysco but, what exactly was that?”

    ZBYSCO: “Not even gonna lie to you St. Dick… if I told you, you wouldn’t believe in the magic of the Holiday season… hell, you probably wouldn’t believe in much anymore to be honest.

    Holiday Commercial #2


    SANTA: “We’re back from our commercial break and Mr. Zbysco as you can see to the right of the camera is, buying drugs from a young black male. This man is a deviant and I’m assuring you right now I’ll never be coming back here. How could they put me out here with this type of person?

    *As Larry stammers back to his seat he moves the wrong way and smacks Santa with his underwear covered penis. Santa gets an angry face as Prancer comes out of nowhere and butts Zbysco in the face with his antlers.*

    ZBYSCO: “Who the fuck let a moose into this damn show? Huh? This… is fucking retarded! I once ate a moose’s asshole out and it tasted like butter. Salty butter. Like Land O’ Lakes… that Indian bitch is hot. The one on the package… I’m gonna go get some butter and fuck the package, to fuck her! YEAH! *He stands up and starts gyrating his hips.*

    SANTA: “You truly are a remarkably disturbing creature Mr. Zbysco. I’m shamed for your family.”

    ZBYSCO: “The one you should be shamed for is that damn MOOSE!”

    SANTA: “It’s a REINDEER! NOT a moose! More specifically, Prancer I’ll have you know!”

    ZBYSCO: “Look, tell that fucking moose to stay out of my face or I’ll personally mouth rape it next time it comes close to me. Got it?”

    SANTA: *Looking on in astonishment* “GHASTLY MAN!!! Santa isn’t leaving you ANYTHING for Christmas!! *Santa crosses his arms and turns away from Zbysco while Zbysco motions that he’s fucking Santa.*

    *Maria is shown backstage with a mic in her hand and a big smile on her face. She is standing beside The Alpha Dogs locker room. Suspiciously there's a number pad nailed to the wall beside the door that shows the number five. There's also a line of women formed in front of the door that lined down the hall.*

    Maria: “Thank you Larry and as you can see, something is happening here at The Alpha Dogs room. I'm hoping to find out what it is.”

    *The door suddenly opens and The Alpha Dog walks out wearing only a pair of jeans. Close behind him a young brunette walks out. Alpha pulls out a card and gives it to the woman.*

    Alpha: “Remember The Alpha Dog for all of your dominating needs.”

    *The woman walks away smiling*

    Alpha: “OKAY WHO'S NEXT?!!”

    Maria: “Can I get a moment of your time Gabriel?”

    Alpha: “Ok first off don't call The Alpha Dog Gabriel. The Alpha Dog is The Alpha Dog. Not Gabriel but since you are fine as hell and you're new to this The Alpha Dog will let you off easy and second get in line. You will get your moment with The Alpha Dog when it's your turn.”

    Maria: “I'm a JBW interviewer now so I was just hoping to ask you some questions.”

    Alpha: “Fine shoot!”

    Maria: “Well, since this is a holiday special, what do you think of Christmas?”

    Alpha: “Christmas? The Alpha Dog loves Christmas! It's the time of giving! That's why The Alpha Dog is doing this.”

    Maria: “I was actually wondering, what is going on here?”

    Alpha: “You haven't heard? Oh right new to this. A few years ago The Alpha Dog heard about this jolly, fat, old bitch named Santa Claus. The Alpha Dog heard about how this fucker got on a sleight and delivered presents to little fuckers who probably didn't deserve them and for years The Alpha Dog has wondered how he can beat that fat bitch. This year though The Alpha Dog has a plan. For one night only, The Alpha Dog is charging nothing for his service. Tall or small, fat or skinny can come and get some of little Alphie as he's going to dominate every woman on earth...IN ONE NIGHT!!!”

    Maria: “Ok let me get this straight... you're going to have sex with all these women in one night?”

    Alpha: “NOT JUST THESE WOMEN!!! ALL THE WOMEN IN THE WORLD!!!”

    Maria: “I thought you said you were doing this because it's the season of giving.”

    Alpha: “Well yeah, that too. It'll also boost business.”

    Maria: “Are you at least using protection?”

    Alpha: “OH... YOU JUST REMINDED THE ALPHA DOG OF SOMETHING!!!”

    *A stage hand walks by.*

    Alpha: “HEY YOU!”

    *The stage hand stops and walks over to Alpha. Alpha hands the man a hundred.*

    Alpha: “The Alpha Dog is running out of Trojans! GET HIM SOME MORE!!! *The man hurries off.* Well, back to work.”

    *Alpha grabs the top sheet on the number pad and pulls it off. The number six is shown under it.*

    Alpha: “SERVING NUMBER SIX!!! *Looks at Maria* What's your number?”

    Maria: “I don't have a number.”

    *An obese lady walks up to The Alpha Dog holding a slip of paper.*

    Obese Lady: “I'm next Alpha.”

    *Alpha looks at the lady, then looks at Maria. He looks at both of them again before taking the slip of paper from the obese lady and gives it to Maria.*

    Alpha: “She's number six now! *Picks Maria up on to his shoulder* SUCK ON THAT REDRUM!!!!”

    *Alpha walks in the room while Maria is laughing.*

    SANTA: “Well, that was highly inappropriate! I’m even more ashamed to be a part of this show now… It’s a shame that the women are up next and this is how we have to go into their match.”

    ZBYSCO: “Y’know Santa, they’re all whores anyway! Bring ‘em out!! *Santa looks at Zbysco and just doesn’t know what to do.*
    Last edited by Rated_R(ob)KO; 12-25-2011 at 06:56 AM.

  5. #805
    Featured Blogger Rated_R(ob)KO's Avatar
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    MATCH NUMBER TWO: “CUN- Oops, I mean, CHICK FIGHT!!!” (BOMBSHELL DIVISION)
    PandaMassacre, Ayako, and Selina vs Al Qaeda Rashida, Sasha, and Tracey

    TEAM SASHA!


    SANTA: "Now, these three are definitely on the naughty list. Sasha is a cheater, Al Qaeda Rashida hurts innocent people, and Tracey...some of the things that good old saint nick has seen her do..."

    ZBYSCO: "Sounds like my kind of present Santa! Why don't you drop Tracey off when you come by my house on Christmas!"

    SANTA: "No way Mr. Zbysco!! You'll be lucky if you get anything from me this Christmas! Especially with the way you talk on here."

    ZBYSCO: "Well, fuck you too Santa, you red nosed bastard! How does someone who does so much coke, stay so fat? You're modern miracle! Anyway, if you want my honest opinion, Sasha was screwed out of the title one of her opponents is carrying right now. Nikki should of never won. Sasha should be the JBW Bombshell Champion right now."

    SANTA: "I saw that tournament from the North Pole Mr. Zbysco and I can tell you without a doubt the right woman won it. The way Sasha went about that tournament was against the rules and maybe losing that match will teach her a valuable lesson and that is cheaters never prosper."

    ZBYSCO: "Well, you’re obviously new to the wrestling world and apparently new to the whole world in general! Cheaters has an amazing show on TV and they alway prosper! Two women and two men for the price of one? Where do I sign up! Stick with the same woman for ten more years and then you can talk to me about cheaters not prospering."


    SANTA: "Well, I've been with Mrs. Claus for almost 100 years. I think I understand."


    ZBYSCO: "That's some old pussy you got there St. Dick!"


    *Santa looks on astonished as Zbysco forms a "V" with his pointer and middle finger and licks in between them over and over again.*

    TEAM PANDA!

    SANTA: "I will say, you're an utterly horrible man! But, we have matters out here to take care of... now this is a group of ladies that I can get behind. By the way, do you know what Ayako wants this year for Christmas?"


    ZBYSCO: "I imagine it has something to do with Pandas or Hello Kitty her being a slanty eyed and slanty pussy'd hooker and all! And look at Nikki gloating about her title. Yeah, Nikki we get it. You're the Bombshell Champion and we all wanna fuck you! Don't act like you don't want it!"



    *Larry rubs his nipples while Santa tries to regain composure and keep the show moving along.*

    SANTA: "She has every right to be proud of that title. She fought very hard for it and she deserves it. Wow, look at Selena. Mrs. Claus would slap me for just looking at her."

    ZBYSCO: "You wouldn't mind her sitting on your lap would you?"

    SANTA: "I am a married man, Mr. Zbysco!"

    ZBYSCO: "So what? I'm married to 5 women, a goat and 3 Hermies. Anyway, all the contestants are in the ring so lets get started."


    (Ignore past 8:25)

    ZBYSCO: "And Selena only gets two off that pin all this prime pussy in the ring is making me wanna have a heart attack! Either it's them or all the Meth I just did!"

    SANTA: "Oh that was a vicious clothesline by Sasha. It looks like she wants to continue the punishment on Selena. She throws her off the ropes and oh Selena hits Sasha with a face plant. Which one will make it to their corner first?"

    *Both Selena and Sasha are down on the mat. They are both inching their way over to their corners as their tag partners try to motivate them. Sasha appears to be closer but Selena is gaining ground. Sasha tags in Al Qaeda Rashida and she runs towards Selena but it's too late. Selena leaps towards Nikki and tags her in. The audience is on their feet as Nikki jumps over the top rope and hits Rashida with a clothesline after she lands on her feet. Rashida quickly gets up but is met with another clothesline. Rashida gets up again and Nikki picks her up and hits her with a scoop slam in front of a turnbuckle. Nikki jumps from the mat to the top turnbuckle. While she's on the turnbuckle, she looks at both Sasha and Tracey and flips them off before diving off the turnbuckle and hitting Rashida with a perfect elbow drop. Sasha and Tracey both run in and rush Nikki. They are both clubbing on Nikki before Selena and Ayako run in*

    ZBYSCO: "The ref can't even keep control of this match! If I were in there I'd be groping them all! There's no woman mountain young enough for me to climb!"

    SANTA: "Well Mr. Zbysco, that's why you're a registered sex offender in all 50 states and in 3 oter Countries, right?"

    *Ayako punches Sasha on to the ropes, jumps up, and hits Sasha with a cross body splash that sends them both through the ropes and crashing to the outside of the ring. Selena does the same to Tracey, just with a clothesline instead. Now the only two in the ring are Nikki and Rashida. Rashida is having a hard time getting back up to a stable vertical base while Nikki is rallying the audience. Rashida turns around and Nikki hits her with a...*

    SANTA: "PANDARANA!"

    *The ref starts the count*

    1,2...3


    SANTA: "What a match that was and they are celebrating after a hard fought victory!"

    ZBYSCO: "I'm celebrating with my hard victory right now!"

    *Santa looks over and sees Larry masturbating under the desk and he grabs his big red sack and hits Larry in the back of the head with it. He motions to the camera and Larry drops his head to snort a line of coke.*


    Holiday Commercial #3


  6. #806
    Featured Blogger Rated_R(ob)KO's Avatar
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    Larry: Well, now it's time to have a look at my favorite non-SHOWDOWN! Tag-team. I tell ya', Santy Claus, these two remind me of a younger version of myself... They're a real pair of class acts. Speaking of class acts, just before we move on, let me tell you about another class act. His name was Chris Benoit, and, man, if there was ever a guy who you could trust to book in an angle that involved having an affair with your wife, it's that guy. Now he was a fucking saint, I tell ya'! Haven't heard from him in a while, though... Guess he must be busy or something.

    Brick "The Bastard" Godslayer & Damian Icarus' Christmas tale

    The sound of the last Elf's eye being torn from its socket is sickening.

    The scream that accompanies it is blood curdling.

    The deep laughs that follow are the worst of all.


    "Hahaha! Ohh, I love me some fuckin' eyeballs, Icky!"

    "You sick bastard."

    "You've eaten worse... Like, a lot fucking worse."

    "Like what, man?!"

    "Uh, Mrs Claus' cunt?"

    "Yeah... Well, she wasn't gonna let us in otherwise."


    Said Damian as he pulled a rather long grey pubic hair from the back of his throat, slightly gagging as he does so.

    "Yeah, you're a real honest to god fucking out and out hero, Icky... I've done some nasty things in my time, but that takes the biscuit. 'ere, how'd it taste?"

    "Like 'lemon snow'."

    "Hahaha! You're always good for a laugh, matey. Anyway, where did you leave that can of petrol?"

    "Its here."

    "OK, you start pouring that shit around the place, so we can burn this mother down and get to the show."


    Damian starts dousing Santa's Grotto with the petrol, and Brick relights the rest of his blunt.

    "OK, its done... What next?"

    "This."


    Brick takes one last long draw of his blunt before flicking it on the floor, instantly causing a blazing fire.

    "Whoa, man! Tell a guy before you do that!"

    "Heh! Come on, ya bloody wanker.. Lets get the fuck out of here... We've apparently got ourselves a huge match at some kinda Christmas special for JBW."

    "Ohh, so, who's paying us this time?"

    "I think its some flash bastard called Cra$h, or R(on), or something."

    "Well as long as someone's paying, I guess we better be there. Let's get out'a here and get paid, Bricky!"


    Brick and Damian leave the burning workshop, as all of the presents and the carcasses of the elves, go up in flames, and the scene fades to black.

    Santa: “Oh. My. Gawd!! Th-That was too much for me to take in! Too much... Mrs. Claus, how could you let those.. Those animals into our home!??”

    Larry: “Well, that's what you get when you don't go down on your good lady, tubby. A woman needs to be plated once in a while, and if I had a beard like that, I'd be tickling muff all day long!”

    Santa: “But, the elves? The presents? MY WIFE!!! I'm out'a here!”

    *Santa stands up, but Larry drags him back down by his beard.*

    Larry: “Oh no you don't! If I have to sit here and announce this poor excuse for a celebration of Christmas, then a fat kiddie fiddler like you has got no chance of getting out of it!”

    *Santa sits down and starts crying as the cameras focus on a tree outside of the wrestling area, filled with many decorations and zooms out sees Shuriken with a dark coat sitting down in front of the tree looking at the camera*

    Shuriken: “This is a time with many different celebrations....Christmas....Kwanzaa...Hanukkah... ”

    *Shuriken stands up, snow continues to fall slowly, and Shuriken puts his hand out to catch a snowflake*

    Shuriken: “A peaceful time....where people celebrate many things....doesn't really matter what they celebrate about. What matters is that people celebrate on what is good on this Earth. Staying with family....having fun...eating dinner with those you love....anything of the such. We are here, not only as different people, but as a whole.

    We exchange gifts....help the poor.....donate toys.....and anything else that contributes to what people truly feel.

    I am bitter sweet on this sort of time because I never had a good or even decent Christmas when I was a child. That is a sort of price growing up in a rough neighborhood.

    *Shuriken puts his hand down and looks at the tree.*

    Though I have never forgotten what truly matters: being there with family. The people who you grew up with and the people you love.

    *Shuriken turns around and looks at the camera*

    So to everyone, not just JBW, but everyone watching this....I want you to have a very Happy Holidays from me. Enjoy this time. As brothers, sons, daughters, fathers, mothers, sisters and all that is family related. My gift for all of you: Its not that gift that should make you happy, its the action that someone gave you a gift is what it counts the most.

    Everyone...Happy Holidays and have a Happy New Year.”

    *Shuriken walks away and as he walks away the camera focuses on the snowy ground and sees a snow angel and the promo fades to black.*

    SANTA: “Santa will be leaving that young man something very nice under his tree tomorrow morning! That was a very adequate speech! Makes my holly and jolly inside! Ho! Ho! Ho!

    *Larry stands up and looks around. He’s still looking while motioning his arms outwards. He grabs into his underwear and pulls out a handful of powder and snorts it in his nose. He looks at Santa pissed and grabs his headset and sits back down again.*

    SANTA: “Mr. Zbysco, what was that all about? You’ve beyond confused me tonight.

    ZBYSCO: “Confuse you? You confused me! You said, “HOE! HOE! HOE! So I got up to find her. I thought you were telling me where she was. You’re not a very nice person Santa! You deserve the coal!”

    SANTA: “Again, truly an astonishing thing you are… I’m literally horrified being out here with you… I feel we should just move along into the next part of our show. We have a very special musical performance set up for you right now… THE RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS!!”

    *The cameras go to the stage as the guitar intro hits the crowd goes crazy.*



    *The Peppers wave to the crowd and toss picks and drum sticks out and about. They give high fives and leave out.*

  7. #807
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    SANTA: “What an absolutely amazing performance from these guys tonight! They sure know how to perform! Give it up one more time for them at home folks! We’re moving on to our next match! It’s a Superfly match and…” *Santa gets cut off.”

    ZBYSCO: “This one has all those fast, crazy little Mexican bastards running around picking beans to see who’s faster right? I love these kind of shows! Not more than I love a good donkey show though. Drugs seem to taste better coming out of a donkey ass though… or a non-English speaking member of Cartel named Pablo. His asshole is good too!”

    *Santa shakes his head and waves the camera away from him.*

    MATCH NUMBER THREE: SuperFly Madness
    Andy Amazing and Dylan Cross vs Artemis Eclipse and Seth Thirteen



    *Andy Amazing and Dylan Cross come out first to a very mixed reaction. They aren’t looking at each other at all and it appears that Andy flipped him the bird which gained some fan attention. They get on opposite ringposts and try to get the fans hyped up. *



    *As Artemis Eclipse and Seth Thirteen make their way to the ring they’re both reserved and calmly walk into the ring. Upon entrance Artemis explodes and starts hitting himself and getting ready for the match. Seth just stands in the corner awaiting the bell.*



    ZBYSCO: “Shiver my timber, the freak in the mask got the pin on Andy Asshole! Artemis did some weird flip shit and I think he crapped on Andy’s face but I’m not sure. I haven’t been crapped on for a long time… FUCK!!! This is the best sensation ever!”

    SANTA: “Do I even remotely want to know Mr. Zbysco?”

    ZBYSCO: “Only if you’re interested in how a hamster feels running around your underwear.”

    SANTA: “Well then, I guess I don’t want to know then. I really don’t want to know what you just told me actually but… I guess it is what it is.” *Santa sighs and covers his face while Zbysco keeps twitching and smiling.*

    Holiday Commercial #4


    SANTA: “Well, were back and Mr. Zbysco has gone missing. But from my understanding, we have a few people who want to speak on behalf of Christmas and their matches tonight. I guess I’ll let them take it away and hopefully Mr. Zbysco will come back in that time period.”

    *We go backstage, and we see none other than one half of the JBW SHOWDOWN tag team champions, Broc standing by*

    Broc: “So... Christmas time here in Jabe now, you see kids Christmas is a very important holiday, it's a day where you lil’ Jimmies can write up your lists to Santa clause, and hope that on Christmas day, you get what you were hoping for, maybe you wanted a video game, or some toy, maybe you wanted an autographed picture from myself? well I'm sure that's what most of you are wishing for, but I'm sure that some of you are out there wishing that you could be someone as good as me, and well, I guess there is such a thing as Christmas miracles right? No!! There are no miracles here, everything that I have earned here in JBW, I didn't get by wishing once upon a star. I got it by working my ass off for it.

    I got it by being better than everyone else in my way, I got it by being me, and that's the one thing I have that makes me one step in front of everyone else who has ever stepped foot in a ring. So kids, please don't waste your time wishing upon a star, or praying to be as good as me, because the fact of the matter is, you just can't be. and the same goes for you guys in the locker room, you can't be as good as me, no one can, it's just the way it goes, so get used to it!

    Which brings me to my next point, tonight I am leading my team of, myself, Dave Sullivan, and Kayden James, to go up against a team led by none other then Holy Jose, and he will be allied with Shining light, and the Prophecy, so I'll tell you what, I'll take the time to break down every single one of you in this match:

    Prophecy, you've been in JBW since day one haven't you? And yet, you still have accomplished so little here. You see if I we’re in your shoes and started here from day 1, I would have started World Champion and still be world champ today. So, maybe you should go wish upon a star or something to try to get to that spot.

    Shining Light, I don't know who the fuck you think you are. You just walk in here, barely into your JBW career… and you already take the SHOWDOWN! Championship? That is just ridiculous, I don't know what our management has to be thinking to put someone like you anywhere near the main event.

    And finally, Holy Jose, we have unfinished business. A long while ago you and I had a match at Horrorcore Icons. A match for the Warfare TV Championship and you somehow managed to get yourself a cheap win. And then I was forced to leave Warfare while I was emerging as a top star. I was shot down. But guess what, I fought back up to the top. I fought back to become a champion. I fought back to become the best talent on the SHOWDOWN! roster. I fought back to become, well lets face it… I'm better than you! I was better than you those months ago when I should have defeated you at Horrorcore Icons, and since then I've done nothing but get even better!

    So Jose, you better be ready for the biggest ass whipping you will ever receive in your life because I want revenge on you and I will not stop until I get it! So, see you in the ring and be prepared because I don't want any excuses coming out of your mouth after I whip your ass until you can't stand. All I have to say to you Jose, you better hope to god, that you and I don't wind up in the ring at the same time together.”

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    *The camera fades to another part of the backstage area where we see HolyJose flipping the bird to the fading away Broc.*

    Holy Jose: “First off, Broc, bite me. I’ll see you in that ring and there won’t be a thing you can do about it. Onto better things… *He stops and thinks for a moment.* what do the holidays mean to me? Time to spend with the family? With loved ones? No it's just a reminder of who God much preferred over his Holy Trinity of Angels, Jesus Christ. He get's all the glory while we guided him that water to wine miracle yea that was me who ran into the future to an ABC store a got a shit load of wine for him. Making 2 fish and 5 loaves of bread to feed 500? Michael who went and got all of that fish in a blink of an eye. Jesus rising from the grave?

    Azrael smacking Jesus telling him he can't die and to get back out there. Point is without us, Jesus would not have done what he did and therefore there would not have been a Christmas. The holidays remind me of that ungrateful bastard who took all the glory for what we did. Fuck the holidays, I am God's favorite child even if I don't have a holiday for both my birth and death. *walks away mumbling under his breath ungrateful asshole*

    Shining Light: “I’m not dignifying any of the two before me with any fighting and words. I’m here to talk Christmas. Christ's - Mass The time of year when people get together to stuff themselves full of turkey and embarrass themselves after having one too many sherries. I'm not going to lie, I hate it! *The crowd boos Shining* You people are forgetting the true meaning of Christmas, when our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ was born. Have we all forgotten the story of the Nativity!? Pathetic. You should all be ashamed of yourselves, and rest assured you will be punished for taking what was an historic event and making it into an excuse for you to go out and become intoxicated by alcohol. Christmas stands for Christ's - Mass, and it always will.”

    MATCH NUMBER FOUR: Grudge Match Captains Match (only Captains can be pinned)
    (C) Broc, Sully, and Kayden James Vs (C) Holy Jose, The Prophecy, and SHOWDOWN! Heavyweight Champion Shining Light

    – Team Broc

    *Broc, Sully and Kayden James make their way to the ring to an interesting combination of boos and cheers. Broc is trying to amp the crowd up while Kayden standing away from Broc and Sully. Sully is just walking like regular with his arms crossed. They get into the ring and Broc takes out a Santa hat and puts it on Sully’s head. Sully throws it at Broc and he laughs it off.*

    – Team Jose

    *The three Grinches of Christmas are coming out to the ring flipping off the crowd and booing back at them. Shining Light is holding a Crucifix to the face of the small children in the front row. Mothers are spitting at him in return. They get in the ring and immediately start fighting.*



    SANTA: “And what a heck of a match that was! Team Broc are your winners! Broc may have done a sneaky little move there and rolled up Jose but, Broc deserves a win! Its stuff like that which makes my belly rumble like a bowl full of jelly!” *Santa smiles.*

    *Larry stumbles over the crowd barricade and falls face first onto the ground and jumps back up like nothing happened.*

    ZBYSCO: “The only thing rumbling in my belly is the 5,000MG of PCP I just ingested! WHOOO!!!”

    *Larry is interrupted and runs off again as K-Jammin’s music hits. Out comes K-Jammin, along with his girlfriend Lucy who is wearing a very slutty Santa outfit.*

    K-Jammin: “Your great saviour, your World Heavyweight Champion and your sex god wishes you all a very merry Christmas!”

    *Crowd boo's*

    KJ: “Now, now come on, if you all keep this negative attitude up I'll make sure Santa brings you all nothing but coal! Now believe it or not, but your great saviour has a present to all of you fans. My gorgeous girlfriend Lucy, will be singing you all a Christmas song!”

    *Crowd boos*

    KJ: “She has a beautiful voice, just listen to my theme song. It's her singing about how much of a sexy boy I am. Sure I know I stole the lyrics from Shawn Michaels, but to sing a song about how sexy you are is just plain arrogant, hence why my beautiful Lucy sings it for me. Take it away Lucy...”

    *Lucy takes the mic, and starts to sing Santa baby...*

    "Santa baby, slip a sable under the tree, for me
    I've been an awful good girl
    Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

    Santa baby, an out-of-space convertible too, light blue
    I'll wait up for you dear
    Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

    Think of all the fun I've missed
    Think of all the fellas that I haven't kissed
    Next year I could be oh so good
    If you'd check off my Christmas list
    Boo doo bee doo

    Santa honey, I wanna yacht and really that's
    Not a lot
    I've been an angel all year
    Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

    Santa cutie, there's one thing I really do need, the deed
    To a platinum mine
    Santa cutie, and hurry down the chimney tonight"

    Crowd: “Hoe! Hoe! Hoe! Hoe! Hoe!”

    KJ: “Yes, Ho! Ho! Ho! you everyone!”

    Lucy: “Are they calling me a hoe?!”

    KJ: “No baby, they’re saying ho ho ho, don't worry your little pretty face. Now the Christmas party isn't over yet, elves... bring out the presents!!!

    *10 midgets dressed as elves come out each holding a present and drop them in the ring.*

    KJ: “Thank you little fellas, now who wants a present?!”

    *Crowd cheers, and K-Jammin starts throwing the presents into the crowd*

    KJ: “Don't worry there soft, they won't hurt. Come on open them, you will love them...”

    *The camera focuses on one member of the crowd opening a present, and we see that there is nothing but shit in there. Literally shit! We now see everyone opening their presents, only to see that they each have a lump of shit as well*

    KJ: “Isn't this the best Christmas ever?! You have all been given something worth more than gold! The faeces, of the Great Saviour. How are you liking your presents guys?”

    *Crowd boos VERY loudly!*

    KJ: “Okay, okay, I understand it's been a bit of a shit Christmas party so far, but that's because you can't have a Christmas party without... SANTA!!”

    *Santa comes out and the crowd is booing because Santa is already sitting at ringside.*

    Santa: “Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas!”

    KJ: “Thanks for coming here today Santa, I suspect the Santa sitting at ringside tonight is really the fake but, can you confirm that you are actually the real Santa Claus?”

    Santa: “Why yes dear boy, I am the real thing.”

    KJ: “Excellent, now I need to ask you something. Remember when I was 6 years old, and I wrote to you asking for a Buzz Lightyear action figure?”

    Santa: “That was along time ago dear boy.”

    KJ: “But DO you remember?”

    Santa: “Erm, vaguely I think...”

  9. #809
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    KJ: “... and what did you bring me instead? You bought me Woody the FUCKING cowboy! How was Woody the cowboy supposed to be entertaining to a 6 year old! I bought it into school and had to sit on a table with everyone else who were pressing there Buzz's buttons, flying him around, shooting his laser, and what was I doing? I was sitting there, pulling his fucking string whilst he talks about having a snake in his boots, oh and his hat didn't even fucking stay on. You piece of shit!”

    Santa: “Now boy I really...” *BAM! HeadJam to Santa!*

    *Crowd boos*

    KJ: “I've been wanting to do that for about 14 years.”

    *KJ picks up Santa and places his him the corner of the ring, he is barely conscious. He gets a steel chair and smashes in Santa's face, you see blood everywhere.*

    KJ: “You wish you bought me a Buzz Lightyear now don't you, you fat prick!” * starts kicking him in the ribs *

    *KJ now picks up Santa and chucks him on the outside of the ring, holds his face up and holds it right in front of a kid who is crying his eyes out, K-Jammin laughs and drops Santa down, and finally spits on him.*

    K-Jammin: “Merry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight!”

    *KJ walks to the back to an up roar of boos!*

    SANTA: “My oh, MY! That’s one little boy who’s DEFINITELY on my naughty list! That poor man trying to make a living just got beat up for no reason! While they clean up in the ring, the JBW SUPERFLY Champion has some words he’d like to share with everyone.”

    *Avidico is seen backstage holding a mic*

    Avidico: “Merry Christmas to all and to all I hope you have a Great Night. I hope all of you have been good this year. Otherwise you will be getting a bag of dirt!”

    *someone is heard yelling from behind the camera.*

    ??: “Its coal not dirt.”

    Avidico: “What do you mean? Of course its not coal silly man.”

    ??: “Santa gives out coal, not dirt.”

    Avidico: “So you’re telling me that Santa gives coal out to the naughty people.”

    ??: “Yes

    Avidico: “That’s just plain stupid. So tonight I tagged with the WARFARE WORLD CHAMPION, the WARFARE TV CHAMPION and the WARFARE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS, and to be Honest, I was Totally Excited. It was a great match and I’m glad I got to have fun out there! I’m going to wrap it up Now so HO! HO! HO! Merry Christmas!”

    *Avidico waves at the camera as it fades away back to the commentary desk.*

    SANTA: “Santa thinks that little man is confused as to what Christmas is all about. We have one more person who’d like to speak about this show tonight. Take it away LRB!”

    *LRB is sitting in his locker room beside a raggedy Christmas tree wearing a red and Mossy Oak camo Santa hat.*

    LRB: “Ya’ know something folks… You may not know this but Ol' Lenny Ray is a real sucker for the holidays. Is it the gift givin'? Naw. Is it the good will? Naw. Is it the smile on kids' mugs when they see the ol' fat man? Naw.”

    *Holds up a carton of egg nog and a bottle of Jack Daniels.*

    LRB: “It's the fuckin' booze. I can drink booze, I can get booze as presents, I can give booze to some folks. Hell, it's all about fuckin' boozin' it up and maybe windin' up on Cops.”

    *LRB mixes up some JD and eggnog.*

    LRB: “Damn this is some good ass shit.”

    SANTA: “Well, thank you LRB! I may not condone the alcohol but a cold glass of Egg Nog hits the spot! *Santa smiles.* Now unfortunately, we have to go to the ring after this next musical performance and let that dastardly K-Jammin back out here. He’s in his match with his Tag-Team partner, RomanFlare. Usually Roman is outspoken but tonight we made a special agreement to have him hushed for the entire evening. He’s another foul beast of a person.

    But up next, BIG TIME RUSH will be here to perform LIVE!


    Holiday Commercial #5


    *When we come back we see BIG TIME RUSH on stage all set up and ready to go. The crowd is cheering and the boys are smiling the biggest smiles ever.*



    *After the performance a few girls try to run on stage but Jabe security stops them and sends them back down into the crowd. BTR throw T-Shirts and merchandise into the crowd. HolyJose comes from the back and grabs a shirt. He jumps up and down and asks them to sign the shirt. Afterwards he faints and security takes him back. BTR follow behind.

    SANTA: “Well, that was certainly a rousing performance! Those boys are gonna go places definitely. Thank you guys for being on the show! And here we go, one great moment to one bad one. Here comes K-Flare…”

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    MATCH NUMBER FIVE: Just because it would be awesome!!
    Mayhem World Heavyweight Champion K-Jammin, and RomanFlare (K-Flare) vs Chainsaw and Samson (SamSaw)



    *K-Flare come out to a ton of boos. The crowd is throwing the boxes back at KJ that he gave them earlier. The feces isn’t soft anymore as it hits Lucy in the face. They run to the ring and start screaming at the crowd.*



    *The crowd is semi-cheering for the last remaining of “The Devil’s Rejects”. They make their way to the ring and immediately go after K-Flare. Lucy is trying to get out of the ring as Chainsaw knocks K-Jammin into her and she falls out of the ropes and onto the ground. The few people in the front row who managed to be looking, got a no-panty shot. Cheers can be heard from those guys.*



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