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  1. #1

    Funny Jokes thread.

    Bored, I was looking through all the Tea spot trying to see if it is a thread, and I couldn't find one.

    So post your funniest jokes here.

    I changed the background on my phone to " Jesus Christ " and now my phone never dies. He's my screen savior.

    The awkward moment when you open the window for a second to to let a fly out & 5 roaches , a spider and a Jehovah witness gets in.

    If zombies ever do attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can't get in without a Costco membership.

    All I got for now.

  2. #2
    God Dameduse823's Avatar
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    A man says to his wife of 30 years, "Honey pack your bags I just won the lottery."

    She says, "Oh my god that's great! What should I pack?

    The man says, "I don't care just pack your bags and get the fuck out."


    Three strangers go to a hotel and ask for rooms, the manager says he only has one left but the bed is big enough if they lay side by side. They agree and go to sleep. The next mourning the man on the end says, I had this great dream that a girl was giving me a hand job, the man on the other ends says, I had the same dream, the man in the middles looks at them and goes really? I dreamed I was skiing
    When the Devil is to busy
    And Death's a bit to much
    They call on me by name you see, for my special touch

    To the gentleman I'm Ms. Forture
    To the ladies I'm Sir Prize
    But call me by any name, any way it's all the same


  3. #3
    Quote Originally Posted by Dameduse823 View Post
    A man says to his wife of 30 years, "Honey pack your bags I just won the lottery."

    She says, "Oh my god that's great! What should I pack?

    The man says, "I don't care just pack your bags and get the fuck out."



    Three strangers go to a hotel and ask for rooms, the manager says he only has one left but the bed is big enough if they lay side by side. They agree and go to sleep. The next mourning the man on the end says, I had this great dream that a girl was giving me a hand job, the man on the other ends says, I had the same dream, the man in the middles looks at them and goes really? I dreamed I was skiing
    That was great.

  4. #4
    Black Ninja!
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    To hell with insincerity. Fuck you!

  5. #5
    Black Ninja!
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    To hell with insincerity. Fuck you!

  6. #6
    A lady from San Antonio walks into a New York bank and asks for a 5,000 dollar loan to be repaid in two weeks. The manager states that they need some collaterial against the loan so the woman offers up her $500,000 ferrari. The manager checks to make sure the car is legal and not stolen then asks the lady " Are you sure you want to put a half a million dollar car up for collaterial against a 5,000 dollar loan?

    "Yes" She replies

    Two weeks later the lady comes back to repay the loan and the manager states that the repayment is 5,040 dollars which she happily pays and is about to leave when the manager says "Excuse me madam, may I ask you something? You are a multi millionare I found out through our checks.

    Thats right she replies

    So why do you need a 5,000 dollar loan then?

    She replies I dont, but where else can you park your car safely in New York for 2 weeks and only pay 40 dollars
    Israel Pamich
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  7. #7
    The Trinity Dr. Death's Avatar
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    One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red."

    Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."

    Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replies. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."

    By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."

    Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"


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  8. #8
    Super Member clrj3514's Avatar
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    A couple was celebrating their 50th anniversary. They had never had an argument in their entire marriage. A young man asked, "How on Earth have you two never had an argument???" The old man replied, "It's simple my boy. On the day we got married we went out riding horses. My wife's horse suddenly stopped. So she got off the horse, looked it in the eyes, and said, "alright that's one." We went a little farther and her horse stopped again. She said, "alright that's two." After a few more minutes , the horse stopped again. Immediately, she pulled out a revolver and shot the horse dead. Startled I yelled, "Whoa honey you can't do that." She turned to me and replied, "alright, that's one."



    A rich politician died and went to Heaven much to Saint Peter's surprise. "We don't see many of your type up here", Saint Peter said to the politician. "In your case we'll do something different. We'll let u spend 1 day in Heaven and one day in Hell and then u can choose". So the politician was delivered to Hell. In Hell he found all of his buddies playing golf and dining on lobster, just having a great time. Before he knew it his 24 hours were up. He then went to Heaven which he also enjoyed. Before he knew it that 24 hours were up and he was back with Saint Peter. So Saint Peter asked him, "Heaven or Hell"? The politician replied, "I cant believe this myself but I choose Hell". He was then transported to Hell where he found a huge wasteland full of torture. Seeing the terrified look on the politician's face the devil came up to him and asked "Whats wrong"? The politician replied, "Yesterday Hell was great. What happened"? The devil replied, "Yesterday we were campaigning, today you voted".
    Andy Cannon - EWNCW
    Former Inferno Ignition Champion: 11/12/12 - 5/27/13

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  9. #9
    Senior Member scribblerking's Avatar
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    Did you hear the one about the football player that drowned when the truck he was riding in went of a bridge and he was sitting in the open back? Yeah...he could not get the tailgate open...



    If I am not back in five minutes...just wait longer!--Ace Ventura

    Getyour facts first, then you can distort them as you please. --Mark Twain

  10. #10
    The Trinity NiallF96's Avatar
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    Did you hear who Luis Suarez is signing for in the summer? Borussia Monchen-centre-back!




     
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