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  1. #21
    "Dead Wife"/"More Tri For Your Bute"

    3 Years Ago!


    Johnny Buckson walks into a bar. He is wearing a polo shirt. He sits at the bar and asks the bartender for a ham and cheese sandwich. The bartender brings him back his ham and cheese sandwich, and Buckson thanks him. He takes a bite and starts chewing it. He takes a bite and starts chewing it. He takes a bite and starts chewing it. He takes a bite and starts chewing it. He takes a bite and starts chewing it. Then he swallows all that at once. He is great at swallowing.


    I SAID EXCUSE ME YOU’RE A HECK OF A GUY


    I MEAN MY MY MY MY YOU’RE LIKE PELICAN FLY


    I MEAN YOU’RE SO SHY AND I’M LOVING YOUR TIE


    YOU’RE LIKE SLICKER THAN THAT GUY WITH THE THING ON HIS EYE


    A woman walks into the bar and takes a seat next to Buckson. “Hey shiphead,” she says to the bartender, “Get me some coke,” she demands. The bartender complies and sets her up with the works. She snorts it off the counter. Once the coke has entered he nasal passages and all that ship she turns and takes a good look at Johnny Buckson.


    “You’re that frag from SSAW right?” says the woman. “Eat ship and die,”


    She begins to walk away, but at that moment Buckson starts clutching at his throat and choking, obviously he overestimated his swallowing ability. The woman sees Buckson choking and chuckles a bit before continuing out of the bar.


    Buckson huddled over the bar and slowly faded out. Suddenly, he feels a tight embrace around his stomach. He is given the Heimlich maneuver allowing the food to escape his throat, since it is dislodged.


    “Thank you, Good Samaritan!” says Buckson, relieved that he won’t die today.


    “Oh, don’t mention it Buck,” said Jonathon Gold back.


    “Oh Goldo! You finally made it! Yeah sorry, I actually got to split, there was this really hot chick and I was going to put the moves on her but I started choking and she left. Maybe we can hang out some other time?” asks Buck.


    “Definitely, go chase your girl, Buck.”


    Buckson ran off after the woman who just left him to die and left his friend alone at the bar.


    “One appletini please,” requested Gold.


    “Make it two!” says a guy with a beard.


    “Has anyone ever told you, you look like Terry Funk?” asks Gold to the bearded guy with a puzzled expression.


    “I am Terry Funk,”


    And just like that his whole world shattered around him, he didn’t know what to think and didn’t know what to do. He was standing next to Terry Funk. That guy who faced Ric Flair. IN A MATCH. He also faced Mick Foley. They got to talking and found that they had a shared love for Karaoke.


    “Okay, Terry, I’ve grasped that you are very wise from talking with you. Do you mind if I ask you for advice?” questioned Gold.


    “Shoot,”


    “I really like this guy, but he doesn’t ever notice me, I invite him to hang out and he shows up, but then he is always asking me stuff like do you think those chicks are hot? Mind if I go? A really hot chick left the bar so I’m going to follow her and find out where she lives! How do I make him notice me and how attractive I am?” asks Gold.


    “Well that’s easy, what you need to do is find out everything about every person he knows, then track them down and see if they are a better fit for him than you. If they are kill them, if they aren’t let natural selection take it’s course. Eventually he will stop docking around and he’ll see how charming you are, it’ll be just like Cinderella,” advises Funk.


    “I don’t know how I feel about the whole killing people thing, it seems kind of extreme,”


    “If you are too much of a Plessy to kill someone you are too much of a Plessy for love, remember that it is wise,” says Funk as he pays for the drinks. “It’s getting late, hey, there is no reason for both of us to go home alone tonight. Want to hit my place?” asks Funk.


    “That’s all right I kind of want to do some thinking tonight, you’re advice is really helpful I just don’t know if I can do that morally,” says Gold.


    “How about one last drink then, I’ll go to the other side of the bar and order it then bring it back here,” says Funk.


    The scene fades to black.




    Dear Diary,


    I didn’t mean to kill her. But Terry was right it was the only way. I still don’t remember why I woke up in a ditch the next morning though; my ace was kind of sore too. Buckson, I know someday you’ll be mine, which is why I decided to save myself for you that one night in the bar, where I met Terry Funk.


    So Yeah,
    Jonathon Gold




    Dear Diary,


    Flipping Exe Cution, for a mind slave he can be a real pain in the axe. I love watching him squirm like a fat pig. I’m so glad I have good competent mind slaves like Vio Lent to keep me company whenever Cution goes to lunch and starts trying to flip up my plans.


    Anyway, The Natural Born Grillers are a couple of sisters, Vio Lent and I our convicted ropists, actually I think I did this one already. Whatever they suck.


    However, this is completely unrelated. You know that guy Andy Ridge? Well tonight I have a shot at the featherweight belt and I promise that I will kick his gee little butt, and maybe I’ll get him with the tape and make him desire to TAKE THE PAST.


    TAKING THE PAST REIGNS SUPREME!


    Love,
    “The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute “The Future Warrior”




    Dear Diary,


    Last month I proved that anything is possible, and now tonight I get to prove that I deserve to be named one of the greatest SSAW Megastars of all time. Everything before now was just rocks on my yellow brick road. Heck in a Cell? Rock! Tri Bute six times? Rock! Shane Matthews? Rock! Flanders again? ROCK! I kick rocks off the path, but I think I just came to the end of the path.


    Kyle O’Reilly, who is a bad guy, now, is where my path ends. If I win I solidify myself as the greatest. If I lose I walk away with nothing.


    YEHAW,
    “Bear Skin” John Boy Corbett




    Diary Dearest,


    Last time I addressed you this way it was going to be a one-time thing but I’ve decided to do it every time from now on! I think it sounds cool.


    Back in heel-land, where everyone is a bad guy, I am a hero. I’m the president of HEEL-LAND and I’m the best at wrestling. I AM THE EMPEROR OF WRESTLING. Bow down to me beaches. I am finally taking what’s mine. Jagged is a sissy, want to know why? He’s annoying, he should just go away and die or something.


    Remember what I said before? About my urge to kill? It’s growing! I can feel the urges inside of me soon they’ll be uncontrollable. I AM A MAN OF VENGEANCE! NOW I’M A HEEL. TONIGHT I WILL BE A CHAMPION AGAIN. NOW I’M A HEEL.


    AND I’M TAKING OVER!,
    “Blockbuster” “Loveless” “Never Forget” “Future Champion” “God of The New World” “The Deathly Hollow” “Murder Sauce Killer” “Stone Cold” “The Chicago Punk” “Mr. Every Kick” “Lord Heelness” “The Best Heel Ever” “Indescribably Indescribable” Kyle “Motherflipping” O’Reilly




    Dear Diary,


    And that my friend was Champagne’s last glass.


    Murder, Kill, Death,
    Cactus Flanders




    In Your Train Station: Atocha Massacre
    March 11th 2024
    The Spanish Super Special Awesome Dome in Madrid, Spain and broadcasted across the globe in 574 languages and American dialects!


    “The Amazing” Amazing Halo and “Sign of Wisdom” Zak Zodiac went to a 15 inure time limit draw in the dark match.


    “Hello and welcome to our exciting event, will it prove to be as killer as last months Buack?” asks Gold.


    “Flip you,” answers Buackson. “Seriously not cool,”


    “Um, edgy”


    “I guess I can’t argue with that,” says Buack.


    ONE MAN


    MANY FRIENDS


    GOING DOWN A ROAD THAT NEVER ENDS


    SUPER FRIENDS


    SUPER BROS


    SUPER HEARTS WITH SUPER SOULS


    “The following contest is a TRIPLE THREAT MATCH for the SSAW Backyard Warrior Championship! Entering first, challenger number one, weighting in at a slim 236lbs “The King of The Cage” Jagged!”


    Jagged rolls into the ring and waits for his opponents to enter. After a period of time, they enter. The triple threat begins after “No Gimmick Needed” Shane Matthews, the other challenger, and “The Frightning Halloween Flyer” Frightmare, the reigning champion, and of course one of the most legendary wrestlers ever, like Articuno levels of legendary, Jagged take their corners. As soon as the match begins Shane Matthews hits a double low blow to both of his opponents! This match in no DQ since it’s a triple threat! Matthews attempted to pin both at the same time but Jagged kicked out at one and Frightmare kicked out at 2. Shane Matthews picks them up for a Double DDT but they reverse it into a Double Northern Lights Suplex for a near fall.


    I HAVE OFTEN DREAMED


    OF A FAR-OFF PLACE


    WHERE A GREAT WARM WELCOME


    WILL BE WAITING FOR ME


    WHERE THE CROWD WILL CHEER


    WHEN THEY SEE MY FACE


    AND A VOICE KEEPS SAYING


    THIS IS WHERE I’M MEANT TO BE


    WERP


    EXCEPT NOW


    I’M A HEEL


    AND I’M TAKE


    ING OVER


    I DON’T FEEL AT ALL


    SO FEAR ME


    BEACHES


    Kyle O’Reilly steps onto the ramp, interrupts the match, and points at Jagged. Jagged points back at Kyle while Frightmare and Shane Matthews keep brawling. Kyle stops pointing and begins to walk towards the ring and Jagged walks out and meets him on the ramp. They start punching the crop out of each other!


    “What a sick pervert!”


    “Someone get Kyle O’Reilly out of here, THIS ISN’T HIS FIGHT!” shouts Johnny Buackson. “It wasn’t her fight,” mumbles Buackson to himself.


    “ROLLING CLOSELINE!” shouts Gold, “That move was killer!”


    Buackson puts his head in his arms and starts crying.


    “I mean good! That move was not lethal, just good!” corrects Gold.


    In the ring, Matthews hits the Dario Effect #3 (RKO (Ace Crusher)) to Frightmare, but he kicks out at two! Shane Matthews gets really pee’d off so he picks up Frightmare and hits him with Dario Effect #7 (Rock Bottom).


    “He beat The Rock with this move!” shouts Gold!


    1…


    2…
    Last edited by ndqw; 06-20-2013 at 11:38 PM.

  2. #22
    FRIGHTMARE KICKS OUT! Matthews slaps on a Camel Clutch, while on the ramp O’Reilly and Jagged are brawling. O’Reilly slams Jagged’s face into the guardrail like 5 or 6 times then lifts Jagged onto his shoulders and walks with him onto the stage! Mild Walsh is there and he has already set up four tables. O’Reilly throws Jagged off the stage through the tables and he looks like he is dead and stuff.


    “Woah that was the coolest thing ever! Maybe I will give him a hamjog, are you watching this Buack?” asks Gold.


    Shane Matthews goes for another Dario Effect #7 on Frightmare but he gets pushed away and hit with a ROLLING SUPERKICK for 3. Frightmare is still SSAW Backyard Warrior Champion. IT DOESN’T MATTER O’REILLY HAS A MICROPHONE.


    “And that was Jagged’s last match,” says O’Reilly. “He was a non-factor, unimportant, and looked like a chump. Biggest legendstar in SSAW my ax. THAT’S ME! Kyle O’Reilly. “The Emperor of WRESTLING!” “Never FORGET” KYLE O’REILLY! My name is KYLE O’REILLY!”


    “I guess we’ll get to see more of Ky-Ky later tonight when he takes on John Boy Corbett for the SSAW Global Warrior Title. For now we’ll go backstage!” says Gold.


    “So, O’Reilly is trying to upstage us?” asks Exe Cution (David Hart Smith).


    “Exactly, Cactus Flanders too,” says “The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute.


    “They aren’t better bad guys than us. Right?”


    “Well, it doesn’t help our bad guy ness when you’re an idiot who gets in the way,” says Butey, “Maybe if you didn’t flip up all the time we’d seem better. I don’t know if you noticed this Exe, but every time there is a hitch in our plans it’s your fault,”


    “That’s debatable,”


    “You fell asleep during Lent’s Ladder Match,” Tri Bute reminds him.


    “Well yeah but, I had a minor heart attack!”


    “Your fault,” says Tri Bute. “Then you come out with your theme music and Lent has to shove a sledgehammer through your ace as punishment,”


    “My Darren Criss Ace of H-,”


    “YOUR FAULT!”, shouts Tri Bute, “And let’s not forget every time JBC beat me in a match. You were too busy trying to give his hand an organism to actually help,”


    “You told me too! I stomped on his hand like you asked,”


    “YOUUUUURR FFFFFFAULT” shouts Butey. “Okay, this time when you manage my match I want you to do something you’ve never done before.”


    “What’s that?”


    “Do a good job. I want you to do a good job this time, alright?” asks Tri Bute. “Then I’ll win the featherweight belt, you little flipping beach. If you do a ship job and I lose, well maybe more of your Glee memorabilia will be discarded for Tri Bute To The Doomed!”


    Tri Bute walks away and Exe Cution starts crying, eventually Butey comes back and yells at him some more then they walk off the SSAW World Lightweight Warrior Championship Match is next!


    TAKE MY LOVE


    TAKE MY LAND


    TAKE ME WHERE I CANNOT STAND


    I DON’T CARE


    I’M STILL FREE


    YOU CAN’T TAKE THE SKY FROM ME


    Tri Bute’s casket hits the mat after being lowered from the ceiling. It has purple skulls and blood on it, He opens up the casket and steps out, Exe Cution walks to the ring from the stage like a normal wrestler. Tri Bute picks up a microphone, and starts singing.


    “YOU make me feel like I’m living a TEENAGE DREAM,” sings Tri Bute, “How’d you like that little ditty? It’s true. Andy Ridge, “Mr. Yakuza Kick” actually likes Katy Perry, what an idiot,”


    “Darren’s cover on Glee, is way better than that ship,” adds on Cution.


    “Yeah! You want to know what I think of Katy Perry, Ridge, I think she is unattractive and untalented!” shouts Tri Bute!


    “It just got personal!” shouts Gold.




    KICK IT


    “Mr. Yakuza Kick” runs out from the back and starts throwing kicks in every direction! Ridge kicks the referee in the head on accident since he is blinded by rage. THEN HE KICKS TRI BUTE IN THE HEAD AND KNOCKS HIM OUT!


    “That was one of the coolest kicks I’ve ever seen,” says Buackson


    “I’m glad your able to pipe in after your wife’s gruesome death, I was starting to get worried about you,” says Gold.


    Buackson starts crying again and puts his head in his arms again.


    “Well, Ridge might be able to retain his belt after a murder kick like that!” says Gold.


    Ridge covers Butey, but no one is around to count the fall! Ridge checks the referee’s pulse, but Exe Cution rolls into the ring and slams a pane of glass onto his back. Cution attempts to leave the ring, but his mentor, “The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute stops him.


    “Kiss his back. You gave him a booboo! It will feel better if you kiss it EXE!” demands Tri Bute.


    “Fine!” Cution moves his lips over Ridge’s back wound, when he finishes he goes to leave again.


    “Not so fast, I want to know what it tastes like!” demands Butey.


    “If the referee gets up he’ll disqualify you if I’m still standing here,” snaps back Cution.


    “Then hurry the flip up!”


    “It tasted like back. Nothings ever better the second time Butey. I can’t just recreate the moment! They don’t always taste like love okay Butey? OKAY? I know you want me to say “oh man his back tastes like ripe peaches and Starkid musicals,” but it doesn’t taste like that! I know you want me to be in love to make some sort of point and then I stomp on it anyway because you say to,” rants Cution.


    “If you know that’s what I want why don’t you flipping do it? Cution, your purpose on this planet isn’t to tell the truth, it isn’t to entertain these idiots who watch this ship, or to fall in love and procreate. YOUR PURPOSE is to do what I say, to do what Vio Lent says, and to make me happy, if I decide on the fly that I want to recreate that moment where you kissed JBC’s booboo and said it tasted like unconditional love and then I made you stomp on it, well then that is what’s going to happen. SLAVE! Or will Lenty need to pay Chris Colfer a little visit?” asks Butey.


    “NO!” shouts Gold, Cution and Butey both look at Gold, then continue the segment as if he hadn’t interrupted.


    Exe Cution turns back, to kiss Ridge’s back again I guess. But before his lips touch the ripped, bleeding, plus-covered flesh, he turns around and shoves Tri Bute into the corner! Cution rolls out of the ring and Ridge hits The Yakuza Kick to Butey. The referee comes to just in time to count the three giving Ridge the win to retain his championship.


    “I don’t blame Cution here, if someone had that many déclassé tattoos of numerical operations on then, I wouldn’t touch them, nor run my tongue over them,” says Gold in disgust.


    Andy Ridge exits with the belt while Exe Cution reenters the ring. Exe helps his master to his feet. Tri Bute grabs Cution by the neck and hits him with Torrential Tri Bute (Chokeslam), then he spits on Exe.


    “He was only trying to help you, Butey!” shouts Gold.


    Butey climbs up to the top rope and flashes him an in a bad way. Then “The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” leaps off the top rope and claps twice between his legs, before landing on Cution!


    “OH WIZARD GOSH!” shouts Gold, “Tri Bute To The Doomed!”


    Tri Bute picks up Exe Cution and hoists him onto his shoulders. The Tri Bute hits Cution with a Steamroller and climbs up to the top rope and hits Exe with a Moonsault. Then he gets up again and goes back up to the top rope and hit a 450 Degree Splash.


    “More Tri For Your Bute! “The Future Warrior” is butalizing him! Did you catch my pun Buack?” asks Jonathon Gold.


    “Champagne used to say puns!” Buackson starts crying again.


    “Oh, now that were on the topic of things Champagne used to do, did she do analogies?” asks Gold.


    Tri Bute rolls over Exe Cution so now he is lying on his tummy, then locks in around his waist and hits him with Blast Held By A Tri Bute (Dead-Lift German Suplex), inflicting 1000 points of direct damage to Cution’s life points. Tri Bute drags Cution over to the corner and sits him down there then hits him with Altar For Tri Bute (Bronco Buster (Clothed Rope)).


    “Remember the rope scene in Star Wars Episode 9?” asks Gold.


    “That was so edgy! How could I forget that!” shouts Buackson.


    “Yeah it was one of those 9/11 moments I’ll never forget who I was with when I saw that and what day it was on,”


    “That was so hot!”


    “Seriously! I almost pulled a Peewee Herman!”


    “Almost? I pulled it right out there, it’s not like I was the only one there doing it! Too bad they found my sailors all over the floor and beefed up security next time,” explains Buackson.


    “See, isn’t talking to me about masticating adventures better than crying over your young, dead wife?” asks Gold.


    “Why must the good die young!” shouts Buackson as he begins to cry again.


    “Ugh, still, making Episode 9 an erotic film was a great choice, remember when Janbo Felt had six with the monkey so the other bounty hunters could go on ahead and face JereK Sith?” asks Gold, but Buack is too busy crying to reminisce about the best Star Wars movie.


    Back to the ring, Tri Bute has Cution on his shoulders and then hits him with Royal Tri Bute (Attitude Adjustment Onto The Top Rope). Exe Cution is flung out of the ring and hits his head on the apron on the way down. Butey picks up a microphone and starts yelling into it!


    “Crucio!” shouts Butey as he puts a finger to his forehead activating his mind control power’s pain move thing. He is from the future so this makes sense.


    Exe Cution shouts out in pain as he clutches his stomach!


    “Good Gosh! Butey is using his mind control powers to give Exe Cution a tummy ache!”


    “The horror!” shouts Buackson!

  3. #23
    LOOK AT THESE PEOPLE


    AMAZING HOW SHEEP’LL


    SHOW UP FOR THE SLAUGHTER


    Vio Lent (Tyler Black) emerges from the back. He is carrying handcuffs!


    “It’s about to get kinky Johnny!”


    “Champagne was kinky!” shouts Buackson as he returns to crying. Lenty kicks Exe Cution in the back of the head and handcuffs his hands together.


    “Good work Vio, now he can’t flip everything up again. We shall keep his hands bound FOREVER!” Tri Bute, “The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion”, lets out an evil laugh as he hooks arms with Lent and skips to the back!


    “Well, that was brutal, I’m just glad that vicious beat down is over with, next up after all that pointing last month I’ve decided that I should call this next match a grudge match. Lawrence Alamo, JBC’s friend, versus “The Master of Satriani” is about to take place!” says Gold. He wipes some sweat off his face. “Very exhausting night tonight, eh Buack?”, Buackson doesn’t answer him since he is still crying.


    Lawrence Alamo and Master Satriani wrestle each other, Satriani does a cheating move and defeats Lawrence to pick up the win!


    “That match was unbelievably incredible!”


    “Yeah, a match like that makes you forget all about your dead wife, right Buack?” asks Gold, however Buackson just begins to cry again. “Opps, oh well, let’s head backstage!”


    “SO MY BOYS ARE GONNA FACE SOME FLYERS!” shouts Papa BBQ!


    “Do you have to yell all the time?” asks Gene Barbecue as he shovels some sushi in his mouth. Time stops! Everyone screams at the same time realizing what Gene just did! “Flip, sorry Papa!” exclaims Ginny, but it is too late, Papa has already unhooked his belt and beat the ship out of Ginny with it.


    “Anyone else turned on?” says Gold.


    After making Gene’s ace the darkest shade of red I’ve ever seen, Papa Barbecue turns to Franny, “Now Franny boy you are on your own out there tonight, if Gene has to do any extra movin’ out there he’ll blow chunks all over the ring. Stay in the entire match, and do your very best. If you tag in Ginny and he throws up, well Franny your ace will be just as sore. DO I CLEAR MAKE MYSELF?”


    “Yes sir! You sure do!” shouts Francis Barbecue as he salutes his father!


    “I’d like to make something clear on him! I’m so funny right Buack?”


    “That one was a little forced actually,” retorts Buackson


    “Yeah, well, your wife is dead,” says Gold, Johnny Buackson returns to sobbing as the next match-up begins!


    The Natural Born Grillers, Francis Barbecue and Gene Barbecue defended their SSAW World Double Bed Warrior Champions against The Motor City Machineguns, Chris Sabin and Alex Shelley. The Motor City Machineguns decided to be fair and Chris Sabin opted to sit out the match as well causing this to become a one-on-one match for the tag titles. However Gene not being in the match didn’t stop him from throwing up all over the ringside area. The janitor tries to clean it up but not before Alex Shelley gets hip-tossed into the vomit. The referee laughs his butt off! Then Franny picks up Shelley and tries to ROLLING LARIAT him, but he moves out of the way and clobbers the referee instead.


    “SSAW, at least one ref bump in every match or your money back!” shouts Gold!


    Franny shrugs then picks up Shelley and hits him with a Steamroller onto the ref’s knees! That move is called More Sauce For Your Steak! Franny pins Shelley!


    1…


    2…


    3! Franny Barbecue has defeated Alex Shelley! He RETAINS THE BELTS! Franny is celebrating and helping the referee clean up the rest Gene’s barf, when all the sudden the lights go out and TAKING THE PAST attack them! Vio Lent (Tyler Black) and “The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute throw down the punches on the tag champs. Butey hits Torrential Tri Bute (Chokeslam) on Gene, on the way down he throws up. Once Butey and Lenty get bored of beating up the Natural Born Grillers they roll into the ring and get microphones.


    “Your champions are losers!” shouts “The Future Warrior” Tri Bute.


    “Look at how easy it was to kick their aces, we deserve another shot at the titles,” says Lent, “So, we are calling out “The People’s Super Awesome Comish”, Rock get your stupid head butt out here now,”


    “Unless you’re afraid of the future, we understand,” says Tri Bute.


    THE ROCK SAYS


    DO YOU SMELLLLLLLLLLLL


    COOKIE PUSS


    FRUITY PEBBLES


    THE ROCK


    PEOPLE’S


    THE ROCK


    CHAMPION


    THE ROCK


    AWESOME


    The Rock comes out from the back! “FINALLY! THE ROCK has come back to OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKLAAAAAAAAAAAAAHOOOOOOOOOMAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAHAHAHHHHH!”


    “Shut the flip up, we are badaces and WE DEMAND TITLE SHOTS!” says Tri Bute as he crosses his arms.


    “Obviously we are better champs than them, we just beat the crop out of them and left them in a pile of their own vomit, come on, that makes us better right?” says Vio Lent.


    “Let me mull it over for a second. NOPE! Not next month! You guys are too smart, sexy, and powerful to get title shots next month! Everyone still needs to think I’m the best now! You know what you guys are? Poopy Butts! NOW TRENDING ON MYSPACE!” shouts The Rock!


    The crowd starts chanting “Poopy Butts” and “You still got it”.


    “I’ll tell you what, instead of getting title shots next month I’ll put you guys against the tag champs in singles matches!” says The Rock!


    “Wow, TWO SINGLES MATCHES? I can’t wait for that Buack!” says Gold!


    “OH NO NO NO NO! THAT’S NOT IT ACE FLIPPERS! THEY WILL BE TOURNAMENT MATCHES FOR A TOURNAMENT! The winner of the tournament will face The SSAW Global Warrior Champion at THE SUPER 14 YEAR SPECTACULAR!” says The Rock! “I think I’ll name it something awesome. It will be called the 2nd GREAT AMERICAN TOURNAMENT! This one will make up for the first one sucking too!” shouts THE ROCK!


    “Okay, beach face, we’ll play your little game, Rock. THEN WE’LL WIN THE TOURNAMENT! Then we’ll win the TITLE! THEN WE’LL TAKE THE PAST!” shouts Butey!


    “Alright! I think this segment is over. I have run out of things to say,” says The Rock before turning around and heading to the back. Taking The Past and The Natural Born Grillers also go to the back.


    “Hey Buackson, you remember my daughter right?” asks Gold. Buackson nods. “She’s going to be on commentary with us for the next match,”


    “Yay!” shouts Buackson, forgetting all about his dead wife for a minute.


    “I hope nothing blows up and kills her that would suck, you feel me Buack?” notes Gold. The memories of his dead wife return to him, Buackson copes with this by putting his head down and weeping.


    We head backstage where “The Agent” Mild Walsh and “Blockbuster” “Loveless” “Never Forget” “Future Champion” “God of The New World” “The Deathly Hollow” “Murder Sauce Killer” “Stone Cold” “The Chicago Punk” “Mr. Every Kick” “Lord Heelness” “The Best Heel Ever” “Indescribably Indescribable” Kyle “Motherflipping” O’Reilly are preparing for the main event of the evening.


    “You sure you don’t want a backrub Kyle? I’m a sports agent gosh darnit!” asks Walsh.


    “No thanks brah, maybe if my back hurt I’d risk getting smashed by a car but it doesn’t so yeah. Jagged is a total frag, thank gosh I kicked his ace earlier,” says Kyle.


    “Yeah, it’s in the bible, no one should suffer a witch to live right?” asks Walsh.


    “Nice! You called Jagged a witch!” shouts Kyle as they high-five. “That was a smart insult you should write books,”


    “It’s always been a dream of mine to write books, Kyle, you just inspired me, I will! Thank you! I’ll make sure to dedicate my work to you,” says Walsh.


    “Don’t mention it, honey. Now it’s time for me to fight JBC and win the title. Then I’ll get that hamjog Gold promised me!” says Kyle O’Reilly with a smirk.


    “Oh so you’ll take a hamjog from him, but I can’t even give you a backrub?”


    “I’m a little superstitious, I’ll give you that,” says Kyle, “I still love to have you around man, you’re my best friend,”


    “Okay Ky-Ky, Jagged is a punk and JBC is weenie, there is absolutely no way you can lose this. You walk out tonight a champion, the best champion ever. Remember those urges you told me about?”


    “The one I get whenever I see an animal or woman? The feelings of lust and rage in one? The voices in my head telling me to do things that mommy said were bad? I’LL JUMP ON THE BED IF I WANT MOM YOU FLIPPING BEACH! The urge to ring its neck while forcing myself upon it? DOES KYLE O’REILLY HAVE TO CHOKE A BEACH? The one whenever I’m at the beach to strip naked and cover my body with sand? The one I got at Sea World? TAKE THAT SEAL, BEACH! HOW DO YOU LIKE MY PREHISTORIC WEAPON, BEACH? In the caves? With the bats? That urge to kill? Do you mean my urge to kill? Paint pictures with the blood?” whispers Kyle, yelling the all caps parts.


    “Forget I asked,” says Walsh as he backs away and leaves, a look of fright on his face not expecting that reaction from his client.


    “Okay Ky-Ky, wrist tape goes on the wrist, oil goes on the chest! KILL JBC. KILL JAGGED. 666 MURDA MURDA JESUS!” says Kyle as puts on wrist tape and rubs oil on his chest. “Gold, your going to make my ham jog whether you like it or not,”

  4. #24
    “That was creepy,” says Gold, “I hope he doesn’t kill your wife Buack, oh wait!” Gold starts laughing, but Buackson isn’t amused. “At first I was trying to dance around the subject, but it starting to become rather enjoyable, you know, mentioning your dead wife,” explains Gold as he wipes a tear from his eye.


    “Flip you, the main event is about to begin, I’m sort of excited,” says Buackson


    “Yeah, it’s going to be great. It’s not going to bring anyone back to life, but it’ll be great,” says Gold. “My daughter is a biker chick and she knows all about the not as edgy days of wrestling, like WCW and that Overgiver guy,” says Gold.


    “My wife knew about WCW!” says Buackson as he starts crying.


    I HAVE OFTEN DREAMED


    WERP


    OF BEING A HEEL!


    AND BEING COOL!


    NOW MY DREAM IS HERE


    I DON’T FEEL AT ALL


    SO FEAR ME


    BEACHES


    “And speak of the guy I don’t like, here he is!” says Gold as Kyle O’Reilly and his manager come out from the back. “Have I ever mentioned I was born and raised in Oklahoma?” asks Gold, Buackson doesn’t answer his question since he is too busy crying; I’m not entirely sure why he asked that.


    Ky-Ky rolls into the ring and starts running the ropes. He runs back and forth across the ring, I’m not entirely sure how many times, but it feels like it was a little more than necessary. Then JBC’s music starts playing as he enters the arena. A few young ladies in the front row bring themselves to an organism as he walks on by.


    “JBC is such a great champion Buack! How many days is his reign now? Like 700?”


    “About 400 days actually,” corrects Johnny Buackson.


    In the early goings John Boy hits several moves to the cheers of his mostly female audience. He hits several Bodyslams and Drop Kicks. Then Kyle O’Reilly starts being a heel, he pokes JBC’s eyes then kicks him in the head.


    “Here she comes!” shouts Gold as his daughter takes a seat in between Buackson and Gold.


    “Yes, I’m here,” says Gold’s daughter.


    “Johnny, this is my daughter, um,” Gold says to Buackson, then turns to the chick, “Sorry what was your name?”


    “Seraphina,”


    “This is my daughter, Seraphina, ignore her stupid name,” says Gold.


    Buackson and Seraphina exchange pleasantries and shake hands as Kyle clips JBC’s leg. Gold calls the move “Kyle’s Super Move!” then Kyle starts stomping on John Boy’s body parts. Literally stomping on every inch of his body.


    “They weren’t this brutal in the not as edgy days of wrestling, were they Seraphina?” asks Gold.


    “Nope!” says Seraphina, “But once the Overgiver faced Octo I and got hit with a hammer,”


    “That silly gravedigger,” laughs Gold.


    Kyle O is about to hit John Boy Corbett with a Headlock Driver, but JBC pushes out at the last second and sends him into the ropes. Corbett hits O’Reilly with The Corbett Report (ROLLING CLOSELINE TO THE BACK OF THE HEAD) knocking him over the top rope and down to the floor. Everyone in the arena is on their feet! A “Holy Ship” chant breaks out and JBC let out a mighty Yee-Haw! Mild Walsh is able to toss Kyle into the ring when the referee reaches an 8 count.


    “That was close,” says Seraphina. “If Elder Justice had reached a 10 count, Kyle O’Reilly might have lost!”


    Gold does the math quickly, “We were just 2 seconds away from seeing JBC retain the title, WHAT A MAN!” shouts Gold.


    John Boy Corbett hits Kyle O’Reilly with a Backbreaker then he hits him with the Horseshoe Toss (Spinning Fallaway Slam), NO ONE HAS EVER KICKED OUT OF THAT MOVE! JBC crawls over to Ky-Ky he is about to pin him!


    MURDER


    KILL


    DEATH


    TIME IS THE FIRE IN WHICH WE BURN

    THE BITTER ASH AND DUST OF HATE CHOKE WHAT REMAINS


    SO DON’T BREATHE A MOTE ABOUT FATE OR FAITH


    CAUSE THOSE WORDS AND THEIR TOLL LEAVE SO MANY SO COLD


    AND THE STORY’S SO OLD YET IT NEVER GETS TOLD


    BUT IT’S WRITTEN IN THE SCARS ON THE WRISTS OF THE LOST


    IN THE COLD OF LIFE


    YEAH


    MY MOTHER GOT ROPED AT NINE YEARS OLD


    “Who’s that ugly guy?” asks Seraphina.


    “IT’S CACTUS FLANDERS! He hates JBC and mudbloods. HE EVEN KILLED BUACKSON’S WIFE!” answers Gold.


    Johnny Buackson stands up and starts swearing under his breath. JBC turns his attention to Flanders who is on the ramp. He has a microphone.


    “JBC, I don’t like your face!” shouts Cactus Flanders! Everyone is totally taken aback!


    “That’s not true! Everyone loves his face!” shouts Seraphina


    “It’s so kissable,” adds on Gold.


    Johnny Buackson picks up a microphone. “Hey shiphead. Why don’t you shut the flip up before I come over there and rip your face off?”


    “Who are you? And what’s your problem?” asks Flanders.


    “I’m Johnny Buackson and you killed my wife! Now you’re acting like you don’t know who I am? You ruined my life, Cactus, and then you just forget? Champagne taught me how to love and you took that way from me!” rants Buackson.


    “Oh that,”


    “YEAH THAT, and so begins my journey to get revenge! It won’t be easy, but I will avenge Champagne, I will get you back for this Cactus, and I will bring Champagne back to life!” declares Buackson.


    “Hold on Buack, I didn’t kill her, fighting me won’t solve anything,”


    “You rigged the announce table with explosives! It blew up! My wife died! Of course you killed her!” yells Buackson, “And now it’s my turn to kill you!” Buackson slams the microphone onto the ground then runs up the ramp and starts trading fists with Flanders. Buackson hits a low kick and he is about to hit Flanders with a Powerbomb on the steel stage when Master Satriani appears on the stage and spits mist in his face. Satriani and Flanders pull Buackson onto their shoulders and Powerbomb him off the stage through a spotlight! IT EXPLODES!


    “OH SHIP! “Champagne’s Last Glass” Cactus Flanders and Master Satriani just straight up murdered Johnny Buackson! Who will they kill next month at Bloody Easter Smackdown 4?” asks Gold.


    In all the commotion Kyle O’Reilly rolls up “Bear Skin” John Boy Corbett and tugs the tights!


    1…


    2…


    WIZARD DEAD GOSH DEAD WIFE FLIP FLIPPIN’ NO HECK NO OH FLIPPIN’ SHIP SHIPPY SHIP NO FLIP OH GOSH NO! John Boy Corbett kicked out at 2!


    “Oh my grievous crisp! That was the closest nearfall ever, THIS IS THE BEST MATCH TO EVER HAPPEN IN WRESTLING EVER GRIEVOUS CRISP BALLS! Seraphina are you watching this?” asks Gold, but she isn’t watching this.


    “Johnny get with me, one two,” Seraphina pushes on Buackson’s stomach. Seraphina puts her ear to his chest in an attempt to hear his heartbeat. Cactus Flanders and Master Satriani join Walsh at ringside and cheer on Kyle O’Reilly.


    Kyle hits several kicks to the side of JBC’s face the locks it the Guillotine Choke but before reaching the point of coughing blood and going out cold, Corbett hits a Spinebuster! John Boy picks up Kyle and sets him on the top rope in the corner. John Boy signals for the Rodeo Mega-Plex (Superplex), but when he is about to hit it, Cactus Flanders distracts the referee and Satriani spits mist in JBC’s face. O’Reilly regains his composure and hits JBC with a The Stygian Murder Super Toss (Border Toss (Razor’s Edge (Crucifix Powerbomb))) OFF THE TOP ROPE!


    “GRIEVOUS SHIP!”


    Kyle O’Reilly leaps off the top rope and hits John Boy Corbett with a Shooting Star Press to get the three, the win and become the new champion.


    “NO! This can’t be happening! “Never Forget” Kyle O’Reilly is the new champion!” says Gold.


    “BUACK! WAKE UP BUACK!” shouts Seraphina as she continues to push on his chest. It must be some sort of miracle, Buackson’s eyes open as a tear drops from Seraphina’s eye. By neither one’s power they are joined together in a tight embrace and their tongues flicker in and out of each other’s mouth. They stop, but are immediately pulled in again by passion and fate.


    Kyle O’Reilly, Mild Walsh, Cactus Flanders, and Master Satriani celebrate in the ring with the championship while the crowd throws trash and used tampoons into the ring. Jonathon Gold joins in on the fun tossing pocket lent at the heel thugs! But O’Reilly rolls out of the ring.


    “So about my hamjog, baby, I don’t see your boyfriend, I want it beach, give it up babe,” demands Kyle.


    Jonathon Gold stands, but Kyle pushes him and promptly puts him in his place.


    “Sit down frag. Yeah, what are you gonna do? You ain’t gonna do a dang thing! You got punked in your own flippin’ town. I’m punkin’ you out in front of your daughter! You got punked! You invented frags, you frag. You should’ve done something already! You should’ve done something already! But you ain’t doing nothing! I’m punking you in front of your hometown! You flippin’ deer. YOU SHAVE YOUR FLIPPIN’ CHEST!” demands Kyle, while thrusting a piece of ham in his face. Walsh, Flanders, and Satriani start chanting, “Make it jog”. Gold reaches out to take the ham and give in to the pressure of his peers when a fist slams into Kyle O’Reilly’s head and forces him to the ground. Johnny Buackson blows on his fist then picks up his microphone.


    “Cactus, I hate you and everything you stand for. I hate every despicable thing you’ve said or done, but I have to thank you. Last month you killed my wife. Today you almost killed me, but by doing so you gave me strength and you helped me. Cactus, if you hadn’t killed Champagne I would of never found my true love, Seraphina,” Buackson pulls in Seraphina and they begin to snog like dirty pigs. Buackson walks over to Jonathon Gold and whispers something in his ear.


    “I love your daughter with every fiber of my being, I want to hold her and cherish her forever, please let me be with her for the rest of my life. Can I marry your daughter?” asks Buackson.

  5. #25
    Gold takes a step back, not knowing what to say. Every part of him wants to say no, because he loves Johnny Buackson. He also loves his daughter. Is he a selfish man? Is Jonathon Gold a selfish man? He knows it will make the two most important people to him happy, but will he be happy? Gold does the only thing that makes sense to him and nods in approval.


    Johnny Buackson leaps into the air with glee and lands bent on one knee offering a ring to Seraphina, “Seraphina, you are beautiful to me and I am sure that I love you. So sure that I am willing to make you this vow on humble’th the knee. I will provide for you I WILL PROVIDE AND I LOVE YOU. And you will keep my home and raise my children. I will make you happy, if you will make me happy, so, will you make me the happiest hat alive and be my magical enchanted accessory for life?” proposes Johnny.

    “YES! Wizard gosh, yes!”, Seraphina falls to her knees and hugs him. They snog like pigs again as the crowd cheers. Buackson looks into the ring, “Cactus, I want you to be the best man because without you, I mean, without you I would of eventually grown unhappy and her killed her myself, you stopped me, you helped me find my purpose a lot sooner. What do you say?” asks Buackson.


    “Oh course I’ll do it!” says Cactus Flanders with a tear in his eye.


    “And there you have it folks, a happy ending to a beautiful show! The evil Kyle O’Reilly won the SSAW Global Warrior Championship and my two favorite people are getting married, we’ll see you next time!” sums up Gold as the scene fades to black.




    3/12/24


    Seraphina Gold on last night’s SSAW PPV was played by Elizabeth Ace, she is a prom star.


    Chris Sabin has decided to take another break from wrestling; he plans to be back for July. In the meantime he will paint his face and mime. Here’s a statement he made to The Sun, “Yeah, I’m gonna be a mime again instead of just getting my butt kicked in SSAW, you get a lot of Plessy vs. Ferguson if you’re a mime, I like that,”


    Kyle O’Reilly finished building a doghouse two days ago. He has 3 dogs and it is said that he likes them very much.




    3/19/24


    POP (Pee’d Off Parents) has released a statement on their war against murder of 9 to 11 year olds and Super Special Awesome Wrestling (SSAW). “It was family home evening so we decided to buy the SSAW PPV “In Your Train Station: Atocha Massacre” we we’re expecting a fun family friendly show, with clean jokes, happy songs, and no swearing. Instead we were treated with joke that we’re not only about rope, they encouraged rope! One of the commentators was a homosexual, which we found immoral and wrong. Then the world champion called him a frag several times. WHICH WE ALSO FIND IMMORAL AND WRONG! We are going to go to the anonymous president and have this cabbage shut down, FOREVER,”


    SSAW released a counter statement, “Oh flip off,”




    3/52/24


    SSAW’s NEXT MEGA AWESOME PPV is only SEVEN DAYS away. It is Bloody Easter Smackdown 4! AND THERE ARE TWO MATCHES announced!


    Great American Tournament 2 Round 1 Match
    Vio Lent (Tyler Black) vs. “A-1” Francis Barbecue


    Great American Tournament 2 Round 1 Match
    “The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute vs. “Too Sauce To Handle” Gene Barbecue


    They are saying the show will be available in 610 languages/American dialects this time so you are in for a night of surprise!
    Last edited by ndqw; 04-03-2013 at 12:27 AM. Reason: Bad word, sorry if someone died.

  6. #26
    “This is 9/11”

    The 41st of March
    Year 2024

    Cactus Flanders is wearing a suit and tie. He walks over to a door and knocks on it.

    “It’s your big day, just 30 days ago you were this guy who was sad and depressed. Now you are a man in love,”

    The door opens and Johnny Buackson steps out and bro-hugs Cactus Flanders.

    “And I have you to thank for that buddy. I love you, man,” whispers Buackson into Flanders’ ear. “Let’s do this, I’m ready, it’s time! SERAPHINA, that crazy woman is getting married TONIGHT! I’m pumped! Let’s do this! Yeah! FLANDERS ARE YOU READY TO BE THE BEST, BEST MAN EVER? LET’S GO! LET’S DO THIS!”

    I’VE OFTEN HEARD OF LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT

    I THOUGHT IT WAS A MYTH

    LIKE VISHNU, ALLAH, OR THE HOLOCAUST

    I DIDN’T KNOW THAT I WASN’T RIGHT

    IT TRULY DOES EXIST

    A SINGLE GLIMPSE AND MY HEART WAS LOST

    Johnny Buackson bursts into the chapel and all of his friends and family go nuts! He walks over to the minister, Terry Funk, and stands next to him. Cactus Flanders and one of Serphina’s prom star friends walk down next.

    JUST MET A BOY

    JUST MET A BOY WHEN

    HE COULD COME INSIDE MY PLAY PEN

    CAUSE HE LOOK LIKE A SUPERSTAR IN THE MAKING

    SO I THINK THAT I’M GOING IT FOR THE TAKING

    HEAR THROUGH THE GRAPE VINE THAT HE CAKING

    WE COULD SHOOT A MOVIE

    HE COULD DO THE TAPING

    BOOM BOOM POW

    THIS THING BE SHAKING

    Seraphina and Jonathon Gold walk into the chapel arm in arm. Gold leads Seraphina down the aisle and joins Flanders at over by Buackson, they bro-fist. Seraphina looks really pretty and the like.

    “Yes, I’m a minister now, and even an edgy hardcore icon like me can see that these two are super in love. The groom has asked me to read this aloud,” Terry Funk reads aloud the lyrics to “Teenage Dream” by Katy Perry. The ceremony’s audience weeps uncontrollably, Jonathon Gold cries as well. Cactus Flanders doesn’t cry though he is too badbutt.

    “Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here today in the presence of these witnesses, to join Johnny Buackson and Seraphina Gold in matrimony commended to be honorable among all; and therefore is not to be entered into lightly but reverently, edgeily, passionately, lovingly and solemnly. Into this these two persons present now come to be joined. If any person can show just cause why they may not be joined together let them speak now like in the Taylor Swift song or forever hold their peace,” said Terry Funk.

    There’s a silence, there’s his last chance Jonathon Gold steps forward with shaking hands, he opens his mouth to say something, but something holds him back. He keeps trying to speak and stuff, but he is shooting blanks. The scene fades to white and Jonathon Gold is standing alone in empty space.

    “Jonathon” says a thunderous voice; Gold is startles then looks around to see who is saying this.

    “Hello?” says Gold, “Is it God?”

    “No it’s me,” Terry Funk appears in front of Gold. A little too close, Gold flies backwards and ships himself in the process.

    “Well, um why did you send me here? Like what is this place?” asks Gold. “Is this like Harry Potter 7 part 2? Am I dead?”

    “Yeah sort of but you didn’t die, and I really don’t have any game changers to reveal right now,” answers Funk, “I actually don’t know why I’m here. I thought you summoned me here,”

    “Should we try to find a way out?” asks Gold, Terry shrugs. Gold starts looking around for a secret door. A light bulb appears over his head. “Terry, I think I figured it out,” Gold pretended to put on a headset and shouted “CM PUNK SHOOT PROMO” as he closed his eyes.

    “I'm leaving with the WWE Championship on July 17th. And heck, who knows, maybe I'll go defend it in New Japan Pro Wrestling. Maybe I'll go back to Ring of Honor, I think Backyard wrestling is lame, but I’d wrestle in SSAW, it’s better than here anyway, SSAW is so edgy. Oh, hey Jonathon Gold,” said a voice that is a little old for fifth year angst.

    “Did you hear that Funk?” asked Gold, his eyes still closed, but Funk didn’t answer him, “I just used my commentator power to make the CM Punk shoot thing about me,”

    “I think you did more than that,”

    Gold opens his eyes. “GRIEVOUS SHIP! What am I doing in the twin towers? Didn’t these get ace roped by Al Quida years ago?”

    “I think we are inside your dream, like that movie that I didn’t watch,”

    “Inception? I didn’t see it either,” said Gold, “But, the twin towers in 2024, I think I’d have to be dreaming, this is pretty edgy,”

    Terry’s eyes scan the room until they meet a calendar. “Gold, this is bad!”

    A PLANE SWOOPS IN AND CRASHES INTO THE BUILDING!

    “Oh Gosh! Is this 9/11? Cause I’ll never forget this!” Gold laughs to himself, but Terry just looks at him coldly.

    “YES! This is 9/11!”

    “Oh crop, I’ll use my commentator powers to get us out of here,” Gold pretended to put on a headset and shouted “TRI BUTE CLARIFIES WHAT YEAR HE WAS BORN IN” as he closed his eyes.

    “So I stated digging and out of just dirt and ashes I made a functional plane and I flew back to Earth, I wasn’t going to let being marooned stop me from meeting Jonathon Gold,” said a voice that was obviously from the future.

    “Hey Funk, Tri Bute just said he made his own plane to meet me isn’t that cool?” asks Gold.

    “Open your eyes again, you’re not going to like this,”

    Gold opens his eyes, but he can’t see anything as he is surrounded by dark, stygian, nothingness.

    “OH WIZARD GOSH, I’m blind!” shouted Jonathon Gold.

    “We both are; feel around for something,”

    “I think I found a door,” Jonathon Gold opens the door he found and they are blinded by light.

    “I guess it was just dark,” Terry and Jonathon Gold step into the lightness! When they get inside they notice it is the same as the room they started in, except there is a karaoke machine and a stage.

    “Woah this is so cool!” they both say at the same time. “What song should we sing first?” asks Gold as they both run over to the karaoke machine.

    “It should be a duet!” says Terry.

    “Let’s duet!” says Gold excitedly.

    “Do you think it has that one?”

    “FUTILE HUMAN SPECIMAN,” says a loud and angry voice.

    Jonathon Gold wets himself. Terry Funk ships himself.

    “What are you, voice?” asks Jonathon Gold.

    “I AM VORGOTH. LORD OF THINGS IN THIS REALM,” says Vorgoth, the lord of things in this realm.

    “So are you the one that brought us here? It was really rude; my daughter was about to get married, and where are you? Are you invisible?” says Gold.

    “I AM ALL THINGS, ALL THINGS ARE VORGOTH, BUT I WAS HOPING YOU KNEW WHY I WAS HERE ASWELL,”

    “So you don’t know anything either?”

    “NOPE,” answers Vorgoth, the lord of things in this realm.

    “Karaoke then?” asks Terry Funk.

    “I’m not really in the mood anymore, I just need to get back to that wedding so I can say my peace. They aren’t ready to get married, not so soon after Champagne died,” explains Gold.

    Terry takes a seat on the stage. “Come sit on my lap, Jonathon, the world’s brighter up here, we’ll talk you through your silly problem,”

    “That kind of reminds me of the last time you gave me advice,”

    “Yeah, that was the best six I ever had,” says Terry with a smile.

    “I don’t really remember that part,” says Gold as he sits on Terry’s lap.

    “Oh right, yeah, so what’s wrong buddy,” ask Funk.

    “Well, I like this guy; he thinks we’re friends but I want to put my dock in his ace SO BAD! I just get hard thinking about it, the feeling my hands as they run across his firm buttocks,”

    “Is this the same guy from three years ago?” asks Terry Funk.

    “Yeah,”

    “Well, have you been doing what I told you? How many of the people he’s come in contact with have you killed?” asks Funk.

    “Only one,” as the words escape his mouth Terry slaps his face. “What the flip? Surely there must be thousands of better mates for him than you!” says Funk, he is outraged that Gold has barely followed his advice.

    “It took me like three years to bring myself to kill the first one. When he married her I knew I had to do it. I knew I had to get rid of her to have a chance with him. Your advice was golden, I just need more ambition more drive!”

    “Isn’t he getting married right now?” asks Funk.

    “Yeah,”

    “Well kill her too. What are you waiting for Jonathon? I ship you guys I want this to work I want Buackathon to be a thing. Just kill the beach, two might be enough,”

    “I can’t, I’m not a plessy, but I can’t, his new wife is my dau-,”

    “No dehumanize her. It makes it easier, the beach he is shacking it up with isn’t your dog, or your dog sitter, or your Daughtry, or your dowager. She is just a beach in the way of what you want. An evil succubus sucking Johnny Buackson in, she is just a beach who is trying to pry him away you. Do you think you can win him back without fowl play? He is getting married he loves this horse butterface piece of ship. Or maybe he just thinks he does. She has cast a spell over him, Jonathon, and you’re his Ben Kenobi. You’re his only hope. You have to kill her, it doesn’t matter who it is, they mean nothing to you,” says Funk

    “You’re right, I can’t let Jonason die and let Buackaphina be a thing. That sounds stupid. I’ll kill her Funk. It’s been eating at me the thought of just letting them both live happy lives and just silently suffering in the background. I want to be the star of my own life, LET’S DUET FUNK!” says Gold, now pumped and reenergized.

    Gold picks up two microphones that were on the stage and passes one to Funk the music starts playing without anyone operating it.

    “If I were a rich man, with a billion or two,” sings Funk.

    “I’d live in a penthouse, in a room with a view,” replies Gold.

    “And if I were handsome,”

    “No way!”

    “It could happen, dreams do come true, I wouldn’t have nothing if I didn’t have you,” sang Funk

    OUT OF NOWHERE A PLANE CRASHES INTO THE STAGE!

    “Holy shipballs!” shouts Jonathon Gold. The plane slowly begins to fade away, the engines are completely gone.

  7. #27
    “Did a plane just crash into the stage then disappear?” asks Funk.

    “Yeah, let’s get the flip out of here, I forgot how flipped up I am in the head. We did conclude we are in my brain right?” asks Gold.

    “I think so but, OMGOSH” Funk clutches his chest and falls to the ground. Jonathon Gold checks his pulse but he is definitely dead. “NOOO!” shouts Gold as he huddles over his fallen friend. “Alright, that’s enough mourning, Vorgoth, do you know how to get me out of here?”

    “YES, IT’S THE SAME WAY YOU GOT IN,” says Vorgoth, the all-knowing lord of things in this enchanted realm.

    “Hmm, well before I came in here Terry was asking if anyone had reasons why Buackson and Seraphina shouldn’t be wed. I tried to say something but I ended up being inside my own brain, I was doing a lot of debating with myself when I got pulled in here, do I have to do that again?” debates Gold with himself.

    “Well my hearts still beating, maybe I should just stay here forever and never have to face Buackson and Seraphina together, or is that just delaying the inevitable. Also, if I just stay here there is no way my one true paring can ever be a thing,” thought Jonathon Gold.

    “Hey Vorgoth, you’re the lord of things in this realm, maybe you could like make up a set of challenges I have to complete to get to my own dimension? That would be fun,” said Gold, desperate for the lord of things help him out of here, since he didn’t have the slightes idea how he got in either.

    “OKAY, UM, HOW ABOUT A SCAVENGER HUNT WHERE YOU HAVE TO FIND BUNCH OF THINGS IN DIFFERENT TIMES AND DIMINSIONS AND STUFF?” asked Vorgoth.

    “That’s kind of like that episode of Fairly Odd Parents, isn’t it? Whatever let’s do it I’m ready for anything Vorgoth!” accepted Gold, a list of items he had to find appeared in his hands. “Okay commentator powers ACTIVATE!” Jonathon Gold closed his eyes and pretended to put on a headset, “VOLDEMORT SAYS WHAT HARRY POTTER MEANS TO HIM”

    “Jonathon Gold gave me a new family. He taught me how to love. And I guess that’s kinda what Jonathon Gold is all about. But you know, there comes a time when you have to move on, Quirrell. A time when you have to let even Jonathon Gold go. And that’s ok,” said a voice once heck-bent on murdering a teenager.

    Gold opens his eyes and sees that he is now at the wedding he was at before, Terry Funk is the minister, and his daughter is still marrying his sine qua non. However Cactus Flanders has transformed into a Jaguar, he viciously attacks the bride and eats her.

    “Jagtus! How dare you devour yet another of my wives!” yells Johnny Buackson in horror, he begins to cry while Jagtus just licks his lips. Buackson reaches into his pants and pulls out a revolver and puts five rounds into Jagtus killing him. Buackson turns the gun on himself but Jonathon throws himself forward!

    “No, Johnny, you have so much to live for, so many paths unexplored, so many things you’re never experienced!” says Jonathon Gold.

    “No, I don’t, don’t you get it? I’m a broken man Gosh hates me, and you know what flip him. Every time I fall in love they get taken away from me somehow. Did I ever tell you about Pirelli, my girlfriend from high school? She got roped and murdered on our two-month anniversary by a pack of dwarves. Do you remember Champagne? Jagtus ate her and then she exploded. Do you remember your daughter Seraphina? Jagtus ate her on our flipping wedding day right now, in front of everyone, I have no reason to move on Jonathon,” explains Buackson.

    “Don’t you recognize the trend Johnny? All your loves were women with stupid names, before you kill yourself maybe you should try doing something a little different, like dating a man with a normal name, you know way out of your comfort zone?” asked Jonathon hoping he would pick up the subtle hint.

    “What? And be a fraggot like you Gold? No thanks. I’d rather flippin’ die alone. Better yet now,” Buackson then shot himself in the head three times. Gold shed a single tear. “Alright that’s enough mourning,” Gold walked over to his daughter’s skeleton that was still clothed, Jagtus managed to only eat the meat off of her. Gold reached under Seraphina’s dress and removed her lace panties then shoved them into his pocket. He took a pen to his list and crossed something off, “’Seraphina Gold’s lace panties’ check!” noted Jonathon Gold. “Alright” breathes Gold as he puts on his pretend headset and closes his eyes, “CM PUNK ANNOUNCES HE IS A SLYTHERIN”.

    “There was once an old man, walking home from work. He was walking in the snow, and he stumbled upon Jonathon Gold frozen in the ice. He took Jonathon Gold, and he brought it home, and he took care of it, and he thawed it out, and he nursed it back to health. And as soon as Jonathon Gold was well enough, it bit the old man. And as the old man lay there dying he asked Jonathon Gold, 'Why? I took care of you. I loved you. I saved your life.' And Jonathon Gold looked that man right in the eye and said, 'You stupid old man. I'm Jonathon Gold,” said the devil himself.

    Jonathon opens his eyes and finds himself surrounded by trees and small animals. He looks down at his body to find that he is wearing a loincloth.

    “So is this the jungle Vorgoth?”, asks Gold as if he wouldn’t know if he was in the jungle.

    “YES THIS IS THE JUNGLE,” retorts Vorgoth, “OBVIOUSLY.”

    “Like Tarzan, got it!” says Gold as he grabs a vine and swings on it, at just the right time he lets go executing a perfect flip in mid-air then landing on some branches. He slides down the branches, sometimes reaching out and picking delicious jungle cuisine. He tosses the succulent fruits in his mouth and continues to slide down the branches until he reaches the end. He steps out into a clearing and sees Seraphina, his daughter, putting on what seems to be a wedding dress except it is made of leaves.

    “Father!” shouts Seraphina as she waves him over. Gold walks over to her and she does a spin letting him see the dress on her, “How does it look?”

    Gold tries to answer her but then he remembers what Terry Funk said, “No dehumanize her. It makes it easier, the beach he is shacking it up with isn’t your dog, or your dog sitter, or your Daughtry, or your dowager. She is just a beach in the way of what you want.”

    “You look disgusting, take that off and put on a real dress, trump!” shouts Gold, driving Seraphina immediately to tears. For years Seraphina had strived for the loving compassion her father gives his coworkers, but even on her wedding day she couldn’t be spared from his abuse. Seraphina ran off without another word. She didn’t exactly watch where she was going running straight into a tree knocking her out cold.

    Jonathon Gold laughed then walked over to Seraphina’s resting body. He reached under her dress made from leave and pulled off her leopard skin panties then shoved them in his pocket. “Seraphina Gold’s leopard skin panties, check!” said Gold as he crossed it off the list.

    “Okay, Vorgoth, only one more thing on your list,” Jonathon Gold pretends to put on a headset and closes his eyes, “JOHNNY BUACKSON STANDS UP TO CACTUS FLANDERS”.

    “I’m Johnny Buackson and you killed my wife! Now you’re acting like you don’t know who I am? You ruined my life, Cactus, and then you just forget? Jonathon Gold taught me how to love and you took that away from me!” said a man who spent almost the entire show crying over something that happened a month ago, grievous, get over it.

    Jonathon Gold opens his eye and finds himself floating in mid-air. He takes a look around and realizes that he is in the Super Special Awesome Dome watching a wrestling match unfold. The referee is knocked out in the corner and John Boy Corbett lies on the announce table. Cactus Flanders is perched on the top rope bout to leap on the frail champion. At the announce booth sits Johnny Buackson and his lovely wife Champagne Buackson. In the third chair sits another Jonathon Gold, who seems to have the most conniving smile on his face.

    “Weird, I must be having one of JR’s “out of body experiences”, Overgiver versus Michael Sheen at WrestlePooAwesomeClash 25 was like the greatest of all time. Besides all the better matches that have happened since then. I think this match it from a few months ago. Intriguing nothing from this scene has seemed to change, weird,” as he breaths that last word all of the sudden him from two months ago turns into a twenty-foot tall incubus. It immediately picks up Champagne and rips her in half. Super Saiyan Incubus Jonathon Gold tosses the pieces on Champagne’s body into the air and Gold catches her lower half. Jonathon Gold reaches under Champagne’s skirt and pulls off her thong underwear and puts in his pocket. “Champagne Buackson’s thong underwear, check!” shouts Gold as he crosses it off the list.

    “Okay Vorgoth, your list is complete, and as a result I’ve learned about myself and what I must do. It’s time for a new Jonathon Gold, one who will do anything to make Buackathon a thing. I swear it! Kisses!” said Gold as he waved goodbye.

    “KISSES,” shouted Vorgoth as he sent Gold back to where he was before this panty-hunting adventure begun.

    “Seriously? Nobody?” said Terry Funk. “Okay well kiss or something,”

    Seraphina Gold and Johnny Buackson shared another passion-filled lip-lock and the two became wed until death would do them part. Jonathon Gold rubbed his hands together and grinned, as he thought of all the ways to make that so.

  8. #28
    Dear Diary,

    Then I figured out the right way to do it. The best way to do it. On August 4th 2024, at the Super 14 Year Spectacular, in just 4 months, Seraphina Buackson, some dumb beach I’ve never met before, dies!

    I am so calculating and smart.

    Hugs and Butterfly Kisses,
    Your Jonathon Gold


    Diary Dearest,

    Well did I tell you or did I tell you. I TOLD YOU. I won, I AM THE EMPEROR OF WRESTLING! John Boy Corbett lost like the shipface horse he is THEN I ENDED JAGGED’S CAREER!

    Actually I did that first, I SAVED THE BEST FOR LAST! Jagged got kicked HARD. He got thrown through a table HARD. I AM KYLE O’REILLY!

    But, Jonathon, oh Jonathon, where was my hamjog, boy? Your little girlfriend had to put his hands on me, and I’m not gonna lie, it hurt. Then he married your daughter and flipped her all over. NOW YOU KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE BETRAYED HUH? I’m the betrayer, not you Gold! I’m the ultimate betrayer, beach. You ruined my celebration. You ruined my hamjog. But don’t worry, I’ll get it from you, you’ll give it up to me, little man, you’ll take my ham in your hand and make it jog on the table. It’ll be an experience you never forget, frag.

    I AM THE GLOBAL WARRIOR CHAMPION! SO I HAVE A QUESTION FOR THE ROCK!

    Rocky, baby, who does Kyle O’Reilly have to beat first? I’ve already beaten everybody! DAVEY RICHARDS? I BETRAYED THE FLIP OUT OF HIM! TJP? Loser! Amasis? Kicked him REAL GOOD! Jagged? I beat him too. JBC? Easiest victory of my life. There is nobody left, Rock, so surprise me, and I’ll give them the Tequila Sunrise then I’ll hit my finishing moves. I AM A HEEL!

    AND I’VE TAKEN OVER!,
    “Blockbuster” “Loveless” “Never Forget” “Present Champion” “God of The New World” “The Deathly Hollow” “Heeltastic Heel Master Heel” “Murder Sauce Killer” “Stone Cold” “The Chicago Punk” “Mr. Every Kick” “Lord Heelness” “The Best Heel Ever” “Indescribably Indescribable” “Beast Mode” “War Lord of Concord” KYLE “Mother Flipping” O’REILLY


    Dear Diary,

    The Natural Born Grillers shall pay for what they’ve done. I’M FROM THE FUTURE! That is something everyone needs to understand, it’s a place where everything is better in every possible way. I know because I MADE IT THA WAY! I controlled the Universe 8000 times, so whichever punk beach I have to face, tonight, IS GOING TO GET FRIED! FUTURE SIDE UP! How many Barbecues am I going to have to DESTROY before I get what I want?

    Rock, you’re an idea man, I like that. This tournament was a pretty good idea. It’s old school, a tournament for #1 contention is something that never happens it the future, I just went from planet to planet BUTALIZING everyone who was like “Hey Tri Bute, I want to fight”. This is fair. AND I’M GOING TO WIN IT. I’LL DESTROY ANY FRAG FROM THE PAST IN MY WAY. Including Vio Lent. If I go up against Vio Lent HE’LL GO DOWN TOO! I’ll do whatever it takes to TAKE THE PAST!

    Love,
    “The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” Tri Bute “The Future Warrior”


    Dear Diary,

    Last month at In Your Train Station: Atocha Massacre, I ended the reign of one of the most beloved SSAW Global Warrior Champion. Now it goes to someone who earned his way there.

    Last month I witnessed the most beautiful moment in history; I was the best man. It was beautiful and when Seraphina took Johnny Buackson, oh gosh I’m crying already.

    Yes, I have a sensitive side, so what shut up.

    Anyway, last month was great, but this month will be even better. Me and “The Master of Satriani” get a shot at those aceflippers. We get our hands on JBC and his little cowboy friend. I remember out last match, I elbow dropped a table and it exploded somehow, I knocked the ship out of him. I was such a badace. This time I’ll kill John Boy Corbett, for real, I don’t have to follow the rules. There are no rules.

    -Cactus Flanders


    der dary,

    its relly hrd to type with my hnds cufed togther. so i apolgize to fr any speling erors. actally thid is too hard so ill stp.

    yors trly,
    ‘the sbmison warior’ ee cuion


    Dear Diary,

    So, a tournament for #1 contendership. I’ll take it. Kyle O’Reilly has been trying to upstage me so to get a chance to knock him in his place is exactly what I want. Don’t get me wrong; I wanted a tag title match against those Barbecue boys, but I’ll get one of them and I’ll use my advanced fighting techniques from the future on them. That’s a promise!

    It’s going to get violent!

    K By,
    “The Present Warrior” Vio Lent


    Bloody Easter Smackdown 4
    April 7th 2024
    The Special Awesome Dome in Ryan, Oklahoma and broadcasted across the globe in 610 languages and American dialects!

    “The Cure To Wrestling” Doctor Pring defeated “The Young Buck” Jeremy Buck via pinfall when he hit the X-Ray (Moonsault) in the dark match.

    “Welcome, welcome!” shouted Gold, “We got a stac-,”

    I HAVE OFTEN DREAM

    OF A FAR OFF PLACE

    WERP

    HAMJOG ME BEACH

    I’M A HEEL

    HAMJOG FOR ME BEACH

    I’M A HEEL

    HAMJOG

    Then the rap part of the song began and Kyle O’Reilly, the SSAW Global Warrior Champion jumps out of the stage like Rey Mysterio did at least once.

    “WOAH! Did you see that Gold? KYLE O’REILLY just invented a new way to make an entrance! What a heel!” commented Buackson.

    “You can call me dad now, Buacky, Kyle O’Reilly just debuted his new entrance theme and he wrote the song himself. It’s called, “Jonathon Gold Better Give Me A Hamjog Or I’ll Kill His Family”, pretty long if you ask me.

    “Shut the flip up,” yells Kyle O’Reilly, the crowd doesn’t like being told what to do so they boo him. “You are looking at the brand new SSAW Global Warrior Champion!” Kyle raises the belt over his head and smiles at the camera. It is a scary smile since he is a bad guy. “And now that I’m a champion I get to do a whole lot of cool stuff. I can use the special champion lockers and I can sit at the champion’s booth at the Lucha Libre Taco Shop. But there is only one thing left that I want. I’ve already expelled Jagged last month. I have the best belt in wrestling. Now all I want is the hamjog that was promised to me, and Gold I’m willing to do anything to get it from you. Why don’t you read the title of the song slowly to yourself,”

    Gold does as Kyle suggests, when he realizes what the title of the song means he only smiles and picks up a microphone.

    “Um, Kyle, I’m sort of on my own, I don’t have any kids, brothers, sisters, and my parents died in 9/11 years and years ago,” says Gold before he returns to sitting.

    Kyle O’Reilly scratches his head, then returns to his promo, “Well, okay, then I’ll get it out of you someday mark my words! Gold, I will get what I wa-,”

    THE ROCK SAYS

    DO YOU SMELL?

    THE ROCK SAYS

    FRUITY PEBBLES

    THE ROCK SAYS

    COOKIE PUSS

    THE ROCK SAYS

    POOPY BUTTS

    THE ROCK SAYS

    IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS

    THE ROCK SAYS

    JABRONI

    “Oh my wizard gosh! It’s “The People’s Super Awesome Comish” The Rock!” shouts Buackson!

    The Rock is standing on the ramp and he stares down Kyle O’Reilly. Then he puts the microphone to his mouth. “I’ve received a few complaints about you Kyle, apparently you’ve been sexually harassing Mr. Gold. Kyle, you are a champion, a role model, isn’t it a little childish to beg Gold to satisfy your ham?” asks The Rock while he raises an eyebrow.

    “I’m not a role model, I’m a heel, and I’ve taken over. I am the living SSAW LEGEND! KYLE O’REILLY! How dare you insinuate that I am childish! I am just trying to take what’s mine! What was promised to me, Rock. Hamjogs aren’t about six, they are about RESPECT! My favorite wrestler talks about that a lot,”

    The crowd starts chanting Cookie Puss. “Now do Fruity Pebbles!” demands The Rock! The fans start chanting Fruity Pebbles. “Respect? You had to cheat to win the belt! If you want me to allow you to sexually harass my employees you need a better reason than that, Ky-Ky, so you challenged me to find a good opponent for you, right?”

    “Yes I did,” responds Kyle.

    “Okay well I did you one better. Not only will you be facing an extremely talented opponent you’ll be wagering a lot more than your SSAW Global Warrior Title,” answers The Rock.

    “Bring it on crackhead!” says Kyle O’Reilly.

    “If you fail to pin or submit your opponent tonight, I will be forced to remove you from the company since you’ve been such a six starved little fruity pebble cookie puss poopy butt and hurt Mr. Gold’s feelings,” announces The Rock.

    “Wait, if I win I want something in return, this is a lot to put on the line Rock, and it isn’t really fair. Can’t you just make me take an online class or something? Come on I’m a heel, I say raunchy stuff at times, it’s what I do!” complains O’Reilly.

    “I wasn’t done jabroni! If you win you get the one thing you want the most, you get your hamjog from Jonathon Gold!” says The Rock!

    Kyle starts jumping up and down in celebration, “So, who’s in my way, Rock, who’s going to try and stop me? Who’s gonna bleed out of their mouth?”

    ONE MAN

    MANY FRIENDS

    GOING DOWN A ROAD THAT NEVER ENDS

    SUPER FRIENDS

    SUPER BROS

    SUPER HEARTS WITH SUPER SOULS

    Jagged jumps out of the stage like Rey Mysterio and onto the ramp!

    “JAGGED IS BACK! AND HE STOLE KY-KY’s entrance!” shouts Buackson! Kyle O’Reilly falls over; he is so surprised.

    “NO! I thought I ended your career!” shouts O’Reilly as Jagged points at him!

    “That sounds like the best main event ever! Kyle O’Reilly vs. Jagged! For the most prestigious championship to ever exist ever! And that the stipulation is all about me, I feel so special!” says Gold.

  9. #29
    “Do you really think your guys’ sexual harassment thing should be settled in the ring? Does it feel good to be a pawn in The Rock’s latest plan to show of?” asks Buackson.

    “I don’t really mind, I would have gave him his hamjog already if you didn’t punch his face in for me. You know man, you’ve always looked out for me and I don’t think I thank you enough. If I had a daughter I’d totally let her marry you and stuff,” said Gold.

    “Um, alright,” stammered Buackson; not really sure what to say.

    Kyle O’Reilly, Jagged, and The Rock all returned to the back. Their super main event will be later tonight. Well not The Rock’s but Kyle’s and Jagged’s.

    KICK IT!

    Andy Ridge comes out with The SSAW World Lightweight Warrior Championship. He high fives all of his fans then rolls into the ring where Mark Briscoe, his opponent is standing!

    “Looks like this is going to get going!” says Gold.

    Andy Ridge hits Mark with a closeline knocking him off his feet. Mark does a backflip to sell it, and Ridge covers for a two. Ridge takes a step back and lines Mark up. Mark struggles to his feet and catches a head kick aimed at him. Mark cradles Ridge then hits him with a suplex. Mark pins him but Ridge kicks out at one! Ridge hits Mark with several quick kicks then bounces off the rope, but Mark catches him with a Big Boot! HE PINS HIM!

    1…

    RIDGE KICKS OUT AT ONE BLOODY SHIP!

    “Everyone in the arena is on their feet!” shouts Gold as the camera pans across all the sitting audience!

    Mark starts working Andy’s left arm with a lot of ARM SUBMISSION MOVES. Andy is about to tap out to an ARM SUBMISSION MOVE but he escapes it! Then Mark does a pretty cool Handstand Elbow Drop onto Andy’s arm and hurts him pretty bad.

    “Oh gosh!”

    Mark sets up for his second most dangerous move as he shoves Ridge in between his legs then maneuvers him onto his shoulders and Powerbombs the ship out of him right into a pin!

    “It’s over! There is absolutely now way Ridgey can kick out!” shouts Buackson!

    1…

    2…

    “HOLY BUTT FLIPPING SHIP!” shouts Gold

    “He kicked out of the Briscoe Bomb (Powerbomb)!”

    Mark smirks then he points at the top rope and says, “It’s time for my most dangerous move, SHOOTING STARDUST!” He jumps onto the top rope and goes for a Shooting Star Press but Andy Ridge rolls out of the way (he would of missed anyway so this gets on Botchamania). Mark gets to his feet, but a rejuvenated Andy Ridge hits him with a Drop Kick sending him into the corner. YAKUZA KICK! Ridge pins Briscoe!

    1…

    2…

    3!

    “Mr. Yakuza Kick” Andy Ridge lifts the championship over his head as everyone cheers!

    “A pyrrhic victory at most for Andy Ridge,”

    “Yeah, he got his butt kicked in that match,” agrees Gold.

    “Okay some people are backstage or something,” says Buackson as we head backstage.

    Exe Cution (David Hart Smith) is handcuffed backstage, and Vio Lent (Tyler Black) and Tri Bute are hanging out with him.

    “Cution, how are you dealing with your punishment?” asked Tri Bute.

    “This is a little silly guys, you didn’t have to keep me locked up all month and make me miss the new Glee episodes,” said Exe Cution.

    “Actually we did, so shut the flip up shiphead,” said Butey. “Vio Baby, your match is next, I think you’re up against the Franny one. You know. Yeah, just stick to the plan and Exe don’t flip it up!”

    “Should be cake, Butey, you got the easy one though, Barfy Barbecue will be an easy win for someone with awesome future powers like you. Get it? I called him Barfy Barbecue because sometimes he throws up!”

    “You’re really funny Vio!” says Cution.

    “SHUT THE FLIP UP” yells Butey as he slaps his stupid face that is dumb. “Let’s go, Exe is cramping out style and you got a match to win,” says Tri Bute to Vio, “You can come out to support him I guess, but I don’t want to hear or see you because you are embarrassing,” seemingly to Cution but he doesn’t look at him. Tri Bute and Vio Lent hook arms and head to the arena. Exe Cution tries to wipe tears from his eyes, but it is really hard since he is handcuffed behind his back.

    IT’S A HUMAN SIGN

    WHEN THINGS GO WRONG

    WHEN THE SCENT OF HER LINGERS

    AND THE TEMPTATION’S STRONG

    WERP

    LOOK AT THESE PEOPLE

    LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR

    AMAZING HOW SHEEP’LL

    LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR

    SHOW UP FOR THE SLAUGHTER

    NO ONE CONDEMING YOU

    LINED UP LIKE LEMMINGS YOU

    LED TO THE WATER

    WERP

    THIS APEARED AS A MORAL DILEMMA

    CAUSE AT FIRST IT WAS WEIRD THAT I SWORE TO ELIMINATE

    THE WORST OF THE PLAGUE THAT DEVOURED HUMANITY

    IT’S TRUE I WAS VAGUE ON THE HOW SO HOW CAN IT BE THAT

    YOU WITH YOUR WORDS LIKE KNIVES

    AND SWORDS AND WEAPONS THAT YOU USE AGAINST ME

    JUST KIDDING WE DON’T LIKE TAYLOR SWIFT WE ARE TAKING THE PAST

    Two caskets start lowering from the ceiling; they are decorated with purple skulls and chicken blood. They also have spikes on them. The caskets land and they open up and the two badbutt mo’suckras pop out!

    “TONIGHT’S THE NIGHT!”

    “LET’S LIVE IT UP”

    “LET’S SPEND IT UP”

    “GO OUT AND SMASH IT”

    “LIKE OH MY GOSH”

    “JUMP OFF THAT SOFA”

    “LET’S GET GET OFF!” sang Tri Bute and Vio Lent (Tyler Black), “Yep, guess who likes the Red Hot Chili Peppers?” Tri Bute pauses for fan interaction, “THE NATURAL BORN GRILLERS!” shouts Butey as he answers his own question.

    “I know you guys are still living in the past, but Butey and I are the future! The Red Hot Chili Peppers suck and people are still listening to them? Get the flip with the times!”

    “You tell them Lenty! I’m not sure if you idiots have been listening, but the future is a wonderful place where songs don’t sound like ship! Before I came here from the 10000s Mus Ician was blowing up the charts writing songs for the tuba that required a dozen fingers on each hand to pull off. I loved Mus he was my Muse if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t be “The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion” I am today.

    Let me tell you a story about Mus Ician, so I was at the future record store, and there was a bunch of kids gathered around a guy playing guitar, he had seven fingers on each hand! He whipped out all these chords that have never been done, it was masterful, it was the most beautiful thing I ever heard.

    I was only eleven years old at the time, but hearing the most creative thing in the world ring through my ears like a trampooning stylilistastic superclashracrashindo darrencriss of beautifulcosity was a life changing event,”

    “Were suppose to be speaking old English Butey,”

    “Sorry, it was like a really swag thing. After the concert he told us that we could have extra fingers like him and gain the ability to do the amazing things he can do. So I took a pamphlet back to my great-granddad, I lived with him since Zondians kidnapped my parents and my grandfather died when he tried to do a back flip. Great-granddad told me we could afford the surgery and incinerated the pamphlet with his fire-phasor. The next day at school all the kids had six fingers on each hand and I only had five. I got bullied then removed from school because I wasn’t able to handle the new six-finger curriculum. Whenever I walked by groups of people they’d shout at me, ‘There goes 5-Finger-Frag’ or ‘There goes 5-Finger-Fraggot’, they weren’t very creative names, but my feelings were hurt.

    After a year without education I got fed up with it all, I almost put a psy-bullet in the pink of my head, but then I realized I was only twelve years old. I still had time to make enough money to buy new fingers. So I started working odd jobs for the neighbors. They would be like, ‘hey Butey, clean my future gutter,’ so I would use future techniques and clean them! Eventually I made enough money to pay for the surgery, I was eighteen years old and I was on my way to doctor’s carrying my future piggybank while driving great-granddad’s flying car. I was so excited it was almost jejune, but I counted my chickens before they hatched. To this day I regret not keeping my eyes on the future space road! I drove right into a future tree causing my car to self-destruct.

    I survived since future explosions can’t kill people, but all my future space currency was reduced to ash, and great-granddad’s flying car was totaled. I cried and cried, I worked for six long years trying to earn all that money so I wouldn’t be an outcast anymore, but here I was left with nothing. I went home and explained what happened to my great-grandparents.

    My great-granddad said, ‘Remember the great SSAW Global Warrior Champion?’ I asked which one, he said, ‘Tri Bute! The man you’re named after. He beat some stupid cowboy frag for the title about 8000 years ago. He was smart. He was ahead of the game. He knew literally everything. He WOULD NEVER crash my FLIPPING FUTURE FLYING CAR!’ Great-granddad took off his belt and smacked me across the face with it, I went down in one hit and collided with the corner of a wall. I didn’t bleed since my skin was too thick, but it hurt.

  10. #30
    Then I got up and walked in my room, I didn’t say a word to great-granddad for a year, but I did do something that night to get him back. My great-grandmother was such a nice lady. She was old, wise, and her beard was so flippin’ sexy I almost envied her. In fact, I did envy her, I was so jealous of her and so mad at great-granddad for beating me it ate me up. So that night I went into the backyard and found her pet seal, I took it by the neck and led it over to the weapon rack. I picked the best one for the job, a club. I looked Fla Bby right in the eyes, “Do you wanna die Fla Bby? Do you flippin’ wanna die for real? I’ll give you your wish!” I shouted as I swung the club into the baby seal’s face. It was dead and I got my revenge. I made seal strips out of the flab and buried the rest in the backyard, and then I shot my shovel off into the sun. I cooked breakfast that morning for my great-grandparents, I told them the seal strips were bacon, they seemed to enjoy it. Then great-grandmother went out to give Fla Bby some, but returned crying, “Fla Bby wobbled away,” she sobbed while I laughed discreetly. Schadenfreude is great,” said Tri Bute.

    “Wait, you kind of went off track there,” pointed out Lenty.

    “Oh, well, yeah I guess I did. Grillers, you think you have it bad? My great-granddad beat me to the point of animal murder, what did Papa Barbecue do to you to make you so dang stupid? You like the Red Hot Chili Peppers? Well TONIGHT’S THE NIGHT that I whoop your ax harder than Papa ever could muster. Papa Barbecue is old and frail, my great-granddad was still at the peak of his life. I can take more, so I’m going to dish it out. If it wasn’t for Mus Ician I wouldn’t be the man I am today, if I never served up Fla Bby I would have never learned how great I can be if I strove to be the best. But the moral of the story is the Red Hot Chili Peppers suck massive monster doc-,”

    I LOVE STEAK

    I LOVE SAUCE

    OH FLIP THIS BAR-BE-CUE IS HASS

    BEER IS GOOD

    STEAK IS GOOD

    OH SHIP THERE MIGHT BE FLOOD

    RHCP ARE ROCKING TONIGHT

    YOU AND ME ARE ROCKING TONIGHT

    BARBECUE IS ROCKING TONIGHT

    ME AND YOU ARE FUNKIN’ TO-NIEY-ITE

    Ginny and Franny run down from the stage and roll into the ring and the tag champs beat down on their single’s opponents. Franny catches Lent with a Bodyslam while Gene and Butey tumble over the top rope after a Cactus Closeline. A referee rolls in and the first match of the 2nd Great American Tournament begins.

    Francis grabs Lent by the throat and pulls him to his feet then knocks him around with a volley of barbecuebaric punches. He then finishes it off with a ROLLING SHOULDER TACKLE and pinning him for a two count. Franny gets really mad since that was one of his best moves. He begins to tromp around the ring, wearing boots.

    “Francis Barbecue is very Gaston-like, eh Buack?” comments Gold.

    “No, Gaston does that differently,” corrects Buackson.

    Francis lifts Lent and puts him in powerbomb position, but Lent head-butts his crotch. Francis hunches over and breathes “my balls,” as he is by an uppercut and knocked on his butt. Lent bounces off the ropes and hits Franny with a Shining Wizard. He goes straight for a pin but Francis kicks out at two. Lent picks up Franny and shouts, “I’m about to hit my finisher!” as Exe Cution takes a seat at ringside. He is still handcuffed.

    Lenty hits his finisher but instead of going for a pin he reaches into his trunks and whips out a feather.

    “OH SHIP! WE KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS!” yells Gold.

    “ADVANCED FIGHTING TECHNIQUES FROM THE FUTURE!” shouts Buackson.

    Lent begins to tickle Francis with the feather! Francis looks like he is about to die, this is so gross! I hope he survives this hold! Although, if someone died that would be edgy. FRANCIS IS ABOUT TO TAP OUT! He starts crawling toward the ropes! Franny grabs the ropes!

    “Franny got the ropes! That means Vio has to break the hold!” says Gold.

    However Vio refuses to stop Tickle Torture, and continues to punish Francis. The referee counts to five causing Vio to be disqualified, but he doesn’t let up and Francis’ screams of agony ring through the arena. Gina Barbecue tries to stop Vio, but Butey murderizes him with a Closeline.

    “If he keeps this up it will kill Francis Barbecue!”

    “What will happen to the SSAW World Double Bed Warrior Championships if that happens?” asks Buackson

    The Healing Powers and the rest of the medical staff run down the ramp and try to tend to Francis but Butey also murderizes them with closelines! Eventually Francis stops struggling and laughing. Tri Bute checks his pulse and smiles as Vio Lent stops Tickle Torturing him and spits on him.

    “Lent’s especially good at expectorating,” comments Gold.

    “Butey looks like he is pleased with the beating, do you think Francis is dead, Gold?” asks Buackson,

    “That would be pretty edgy if he was,” says Exe Cution as he joins our guides in this wonderful world of edginess on commentary.

    The medical staffers stop selling the closelines and load Francis onto a stretcher. As they wheel him up the ramp they give him CPR and shock him with jumper cables. Gene Barbecue rolls into the ring and the 2nd Great American Tournament Match of the match begins.

    “Hopefully I don’t flip this one up from all the way over here,” says Cution.

    “Just stay out of his way. No one wants to see you get your ace kicked,”

    “I kind of do, that was really hot,” says Gold.

    Tri Bute and Gene Barbecue start off the match by hitting each other really hard. They pound each other with hard fist strikes. They punch each other with their hands! It is a very hard-hitting match. Butey’s knuckles start to hurt so he starts smacking Gina around with wicked future palm thrusts. However Gene brings up a knee and knocks one of his thrusts away before connecting with a ROLLING BACKFIST! Gene locks in the Barbecue Tap Out Move (Sol Naciente (Straight Jacket Triangle Choke)), but Butey no sells it since that move looks like ship.

    “Wow! A quick escape from Tri Bute,”

    “How admirable!”

    Gene and Tri Bute both attempt to closeline each other at the same time. THEY BOTH GO DOWN! The referee starts counting for the double knockout! He’s at six now! Butey limps an arm over Genie!

    1!

    WIZARD GOSH NO! GENE KICKS OUT AT 1! NO ONE EVER KICKS OUT AT 1!

    Gene’s second wind kicks in and all the thoughts of revenge cycle through his mind, he has to win this match or his brother might’ve died in vain! Gene hits Butey with several body slams before bouncing off the ropes and landing on him with a Leg-Drop. Gene grabs Butey by the head with one hand and with the other he begins to wind-up for a super punch, with expert timing Tri Bute dodges the punch and pulls Gene onto his shoulders. Butey starts spinning around with Gene on his shoulders and carelessly knocks out the referee with one of Gene’s swinging feet. Then Butey hits Gene with Royal Tri Bute (Attitude Adjustment onto the top rope) sending Ginny flying out of the ring.

    “Hold on, why does Vio have a bowl of cereal?” asks Gold.

    Vio Lent begins to shove spoonfuls of cereal into Gene Barbecue’s mouth on the outside of the ring. Tri Bute starts rubbing his hands together! THIS MUST BE PART OF HIS EVIL PLAN! Gene Barbecue chews and swallows the delicious bran, but he knew little of its contents or effects.

    “Usually when Gina eats before a match he throws up, what do you think happens if he eats during a match?” asks Buackson, but he gets his answer in mere seconds.

    Tri Bute punches Gene in the stomach causing him to retch. Butey then grips Gene by the neck and hits him with a Torrential Tri Bute (Chokeslam) into the vomit. Tri Bute pins him for three to get the win and move on in the tournament. Tri Bute pulls out a singular piece of masking tape! He slowly leans towards Gene’s unconscious body. He does it so slowly that it almost seems like he is waiting for someone to stop him.

    “I overheard Tri Bute once and he said if he ever got Gene with the tape he’d change his name to Dis Gorge,” notes Exe Cution.

    Butey is about to stick Gene with the tape. HE IS LITERALLY AN INCH AWAY!

    BARBECUE

    YEAH

    BARBECUE

    YEAH

    Doctor Wood wheels out Francis Barbecue in a full body cast, and he has a microphone in hand!

    “STOP! Butey, don’t take my brother away from me!” shouts Francis.

    Tri Bute smirks and pulls away. Then he grabs a microphone himself. “Okay, Franny, I don’t really want Captain Queasy on my team anyway. What we want is your tag team titles!”

    “Okay, next month you get your title shots, just don’t take my little brother away, whatever you want!” shouts Francis as his tears stain his cast.

    “Francis you may think you’re hurt now, but May 5th, 2024, at Maximum Pain 2, you won’t just walk away with a cast, you’ll need amputations! The titles will be on the line IN A TABLES MATCH! My best friend Vio Lent and ‘The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion’ ME versus a broken man and a bumbling barfing idiot!” Butey drops the microphone on Gene’s face and exits the ring. He walks over to Exe Cution and unlocks his handcuffs.

    “You didn’t flip up any matches tonight so I guess you can move your arms around for awhile,”

    “Thanks master! I promise to never flip up another match for you guys!”

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