Lawler & McMahon
McMahon: Jesse James can sing as good as he can wrestle.
LAWLER: Then he won't win many matches!
McMahon: Joining us right now as the Sultan fears into this capacity crowd, I believe we have Jerry "The King" Lawler on the line. Mr. Lawler, are you there?
LAWLER: Ya I'm here McMahon and I can't believe you accepted this collect call. You're so cheap; you would not even tip a canoe.
(Sunny holding the Tag Team Belts)
Jerry Lawler: Hey McMahon, look at those belts.
Vince McMahon: Yeah King, they look nice. Now can you please pay attention to the match?
Jerry Lawler: Come on McMahon. Just because I'm on a diet, doesn't mean I can't look at the menu.
Lawler & JR
LAWLER: You know J.R., obviously the only exercise you get is stretching the truth or jumping to conclusions.
(Jim Ross implies that Sunny is too young for Lawler)
LAWLER: I'm not embarrassed to be seen with younger women, except when I drop them off at school.
(Jim Ross asked Lawler if Brian Christopher is his son and then Lawler ask Ross if he had a son. Ross says he has two daughters)
LAWLER: Not packing enough chromosomes, huh? I'm sorry Ross!
JR: Well that's my view of the situation [McMahon firing Stone Cold]
Lawler: Well, get your head out of your butt and you'd have a different view!
(Ross said that Lawler would be wrestling at a local event)
LAWLER: That's right, I'll be there. You know my only regret is that I can't sit out in the audience and watch me.
JR: Why do you keep referring to these fans as "idiots" and "morons"?
Lawler: We gave them an IQ test and the results came back negative.
(Lawler asked Ross where Stu Hart was been and Ross wondered if Stu Hart is betting that Owen Hart would win his match)
LAWLER: He gave up betting after The Civil War.
LAWLER: You (Ross) have diarrhea in the mouth and constipation in the brain.
LAWLER: She (Alundrea Blaze) has a million dollar body, but a ten cent face!
(Sunny come to the ring with her chest showing)
LAWLER: I don't know what the 7 wonders of the world are, but I do know that Sunny has 2 of them!
LAWLER: Sunny, she wants me. I can read her like a book, but I prefer the Braille edition.
(Sable wearing an extremely revealing outfit)
LAWLER: I've seen more cotton on the top of an aspirin bottle!
LAWLER: I've heard of faces that could stop clocks, hers could stop all of Switzerland's.
LAWLER: You look into Sable's eyes and you see the back of her head. A little sex on TV never hurt anyone...unless you fall off
Lawler: If her [Debra McMichael] skirt were any shorter, it'd be a collar.
LAWLER: When it comes to sex, all women want it, just not with you (Ross).
(Jerry tells the girl that her boyfriend wants to marry her.)
Jerry: You don't want to marry him. Look at his ex-girlfriend; she's been around more times than a carousel.
Lawler: Women should be ob-scene and not heard.
Lawler: She's had more hands on her than a doorknob.
Lawler: She's not your type. She's not inflatable.
LAWLER: Panties aren't the greatest thing in the world, but their next to them.
LAWLER: Women! Can't live with'em and they don’t have any resale value.
LAWLER: Every time I look at Luna's face, I think she should put the bag back on.
LAWLER: If the Japanese are so smart, why do they eat with sticks?
LAWLER: Mark Henry just walked in front of me; I thought it was an eclipse.
Lawler: Look at the lips on that guy [Mark Henry]; he could French kiss a moose
(Lawler took on Tito Santana in the semi-finals of the Karate Fighters Holiday Tournament '97)
LAWLER: Santana, what a funny looking outfit! Ha! Ha!
SANTANA: What about yours, Burger King?
LAWLER: Taco Bell!
LAWLER: (Lawler won) Ha! Ha! Ho! Ho! Have another burrito pal! Ha! Ha! Ha!
LAWLER: The only reason why Taka Michinoku is here in this country is because there are too many people in Japan.
LAWLER: Statistics prove that somewhere in Japan, a woman gives birth to a baby ever four seconds. Now I'm going to over there and find that woman and put a stop to it and we wouldn't have people like this (foreigners, talking to Taka Michinoku) coming into our country.
Classic Heel Lawler
(A five year old girl cheering Shawn Michaels)
LAWLER: Look at her, now I know why animals eat their young.
(About Road Dog Jessie James)
LAWLER: When he was in Desert Storm, he was getting shot at by both sides.
LAWLER: Andy Kaufman's mom wanted a girl, his father wanted a boy, and they were both satisfied!
LAWLER: Mabel is so huge, when he was a baby, be got baptized at Sea World.
LAWLER: I'm not a racist like Brett Hart, I hate everyone equally!
LAWLER: Cheating is only cheating when you get caught.
LAWLER: Diesel is so stupid; he thought Hamburger Helper came with a person.
LAWLER: Paul bearer has more chins than a Chinese phone book
LAWLER: He (Ahmed Johnson) has the IQ of 2 and it takes 3 just to grunt.
LAWLER: Paul Bearer is so fat; he has his own gravitational pull!
LAWLER: This Bingo Hall (ECW Arena) should be built out of toilet paper because there's nothing in it but shit!
LAWLER: Yokozuna is nothing but an ingrate. If it was not for Jim Cornette, Yokozuna would still be on a beach selling shade.
LAWLER: Hey Finkel, the last time I saw something like you, I flushed it!
LAWLER: I'm not saying that Stu Hart is old, but I hear that Anna Nicole Smith is asking him out on a date.
Lawler: Pat Patterson is so old, he still has a ticket stub from the original David and Goliath match.
Jerry: What do Jake "The Snake" Roberts and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up!
Jerry: The only reason why Jake wants to come here is because he probably saw the bottle.
Kevin Kelly: I don't think you have anything Jake is interested in.
Jerry: What?! Jake "The Snake's" two best friends are Jim Beam & Jack Daniels.
Jerry: Is it true that the toughest 4 years of your life was the 3rd grade? Is that true?
Lawler: Prince Albert respects the Big Boss Man so much he'd give him the hair off his back.
Lawler: When God said "Let there be light, Mae Young threw the switch."
Lawler: [Mae Young's] wrinkles have wrinkles.
Lawler: [The Fabulous Moolah] was a waitress at the last supper.
Lawler: He's [The Blue Meanie] is the reason for separate beds.
Lawler: He's twisted, perverted... he's sick. Normally, I like that in a person (of Golddust).
LAWLER: The only reason I lost to Aldo Montoya was the intoxicating fumes there were coming off his body from being around Jake Roberts.
LAWLER: I couldn't warm up to Andy Kaufman if we were cremated together.
LAWLER: The older they (Legion of Doom) get, the better they were.
(Terry Funk did a moonsault and his leg hit the security railing)
LAWLER: The only thing harder than Terry Funk's legs are his arteries.
(Owen Hart hit Ken Shamrock with a dumbbell to win the match)
LAWLER: He hit a dumbbell with a dumbbell, Ha! Ha! This is great!
LAWLER: Also never underestimate the power of stupid people in large troops; they're all behind The Rock!
LAWLER: If brains were chocolate, he (X-Pac) still wouldn't fill an M&M.
(Referring to Blackman hitting Shamrock with a car)
LAWLER: You got Blackman; he's a dangerous, dangerous man. Used to be Ken Shamrock was the world's most dangerous man, but now Shamrock is the world's most dangerous speed bump.
LAWLER: What do you think has got to be going through the mind of X-Pac right now? He's more nervous than a pizza on the plate of Paul Bearer.
LAWLER: And The Rock said "King, what is twelve inches long and hangs in front of an ass?" My eyes got all big and he said, "Mankind's tie."
LAWLER: Moolah knew Madame Butterfly when she was a caterpillar.
LAWLER: Mae Young is so old that when David killed Goliath, she was the one that called the cops!!
Lawler: Mankind is two fries short of a happy meal.
(Jerry while questioning people from Alabama.)
Lawler: I got a tough one for you. If your mom and dad got a divorce, would they still be brother and sister? Ha, Ha! That's a tough one, isn't it?
Lawler: Just because Hunter Hearst Helmsley makes Pinocchio look like a cat, don't make fun of him.
(The Mexican Wrestlers in the ring)
Lawler: Look at Paul E. He needs to wear a mask. He looks like a bloated-up toe frog.