"Tonight! Stone cold Steve Austin, goes one on one, with the Jabroni beatin, *Al-la-la-la-ow* Pie eatin, not afraid to sweat, not afraid to bleed. Gonna beat that bald-headed bastard, guaran-damn-teed!"
-The Rock - WrestleMania XIX interview
"The WWF is gonna die. I know that. The WWF has cancer. Because of Ric Flair. Flair's gonna kill it. And the kind of cancer Flair gave the WWF, is the slow-eating kind of cancer. It's not quick. I'm not gonna let Ric Flair kill what I created, me! The WWF is mine, it's mine, I created it! I'm not gonna let Ric Flair kKILL what I created. Because, I'm going to kill.......what......I.....creeated. I am gonna kill it! I'm gonnakill my own creation., I'm gonna inject the WWF with a lethal dose of poison. If anyone is gonna kill my own creation. I'm going to do it....me!...*spins around in his chair to reveal the evil white and black letters spray painted on the back of it* *fans freak out in shock* "....and the N.....W....O!" - Vincent K. McMahon
Ah hell, here it is. Sends chills down my freaking spine everytime.
1st time he loses his mind - to me anyway.
"We cannot throw the Christians to the lions anymore. There are no more public hangings. The closest we have is Undertaker and Mankind."
-Mankind (Interview with Jim Ross)
ALL FROM THE GREAT BOBBY "The Brain" HEENAN
A friend in need is a pest." "What happened there? My monitor went out."
"You don't have to yell at me! I'm not blind!"
Gorilla: "Brain, if you keep quiet, no one will know how stupid you are."
Bobby: "You're kidding."
Heenan: " That's either the flock or the who's who of skid row."
Schiavone: " Maybe both."
(After saying something smart)
"Do you think this brain thing is a gimmick?"
"If you ever had your moon salted you'd know how painful that could be."
(after Juventud Guerrera took off his mask)
"Maybe that's Okerlund under there?" and later. . .
"Now when he delivers pizza, everyone will know who he is."
(Talking about the Narcissist Lex Luger's elbow)
"He's had more hits than Elvis."
"You know what slows down Typhoon? Twinkies--Hostess Cupcakes."
(Talking about Typhoon)
"He uses his weight advantage at dinner."
"Doink is like Jell-o: there is always room for more."
"It's a dog eat dog world, and Mr. Perfect is a Milk Bone."
(When Bob Backlund is entering the arena)
"At 234 pounds, from Mayberry, Opie Taylor."
"North Dakota State. What do you have to do there to graduate? Milk a cow with your left hand?
Jim Ross: "Hey everybody can't be born with a silver spoon in their mouth and have a chauffeur named Jennifer, who told me she hasn't had a raise in several months."
Bobby Heenan: "She said that?"
Heenan: "She's fired. I'll unload her like I found her. Do you need a job on the weekends?"
Ross: "I'm a little busy on the weekend"
Heenan: "Oh that's right, you just drive pickup trucks."
"Stu Hart trained all his kids--only three of them use the litter box."
(Talking about the Guerrero family)
"Their family is watching this at home wondering if the wheels are going to get stolen off their house.
(Chris Benoit was wrestling a fake midget Rey Mysterio, Jr.)
"I know who that is. It is the chihuahua from the Taco Bell commercials."
Terry Schiavone: "I smell Jackhammer. I smell Hogan."
Bobby Heenan: "Anyone close to him does."
Heenan: "You call them Luchadores?"
Heenan: "That sounds like the tight pants that you wear at a bullfight."
(Talking about Chavo Guerrero)
"He's the only guy I know that has a stable of stick horses."
"If you're poor and you do something stupid, you're nuts. If you're rich and do something stupid, you're eccentric."
"You know you put too many lemons in your lemonade when you pucker too much."
Tony Schiavone: "Scott Hall is looking a little better this week."
Bobby Heenan: "It's only Monday."
"There's another way to look at this: there are 153 Villanos wrestling."
(Talking about Chris Jericho)
Lee Marshall: "He is an ego maniac."
Bobby Heenan: "But he's good at it!"
Lee Marshall: "Good observation Brain."
Bobby Heenan: "That's why I'm called the Brain. And that's why I'm here on the Brain Station, TBS."
(Talking about Raven)
Bobby Heenan: "I wonder what his childhood was like: was he from wealthy parents, was he neglected, or was he spoiled?
Tony Schiavone: "Who cares?"
Heenan: "I do!"
Bobby Heenan: "Some nights the Villanos sit around the fire with popcorn and their masks on."
Tony Schiavone: "I hate you!"
(Talking about Alex Wright)
"His mother told me when he was eight months old he sat up in his crib and said 'Headlock.' "
(Talking about Koko B. Ware)
"The job is only half done. If they want to shrink his head, they already shrunk his haircut."
(Talking about Yokozuna on the day before Thanksgiving)
"505 pounds and maybe more after tomorrow."
"There is good news and bad news about Rey's shirt, The bad news is the shirt don't fit him, the good news is all the luchadores are moving in"
"There trying to say he just put the figure three on him self."
"If it wasn't for Mrs. Gurrero's chili they wouldn't have invented Rolaids."
Bobby Heenan: "That's not the first time he's been on the ground holding his stomach."
Tony Schiavone: "Huh?"
Bobby Heenan: "Obviously you've never had any of Mrs. Gurrero's chili."
"If you were smart you could have made a Duralog out of Pepe."
(crack at the Bushwhackers)
"The city of New York could legally condemn them."
Gorilla Monsoon: "The Pendulum swings."
Bobby Heenan: "Like a pendulum do."
Gorilla Monsoon: "is that a tune?"
Bobby Heenan: "Why do you hear music?"
Gorilla Monsoon: "No."
(Talking about Jim Niedhart)
"Now he's the sane one of the team?"
(Jim Niedhart looks into the camera and laughs)
"I think his headband is on too tight on the Anvil's head. I see I'm right."
"That shirt: It's like sinus infection green."
Tony Schiavone "I'm sure a liar has to make a living like everyone else."
Bobby Heenan "That's why we're here."
(Talking about Ralphus's dress)
"Obviously some cheap motel is missing a shower curtain."
"How could you not turn your attention to Ralphus; he's quite the looker."
(Talking about Chavo Guerrero, Jr.)
"He's never been the same since he lost Mr. Ed."
Bobby Heenan: "And don't forget Mickey Jay. He's a second generation, too."
Tony Schiavone: "Who's his father?"
Bobby Heenan: "He's not a wrestling referee. He ref'ed a pee-wee football league back in the '40's."
(Talking about Rey Mysterio, Jr. before he unmasks)
"I think he's ugly. What do you guys think?"
(After Rey Mysterio, Jr. unmasks)
"It's Leave it to Beaver!"
"You should just get beat up for having a last name Whipneck."
(Talking about Mikey Whipwreck)
"Do you think that when Mikey was a kid, was he his parents' little whipper-snapper?"
"Tony, it looks like your room at the Motel 3."
(Talking about Will Sasso from Mad TV)
"We're watching the illegitimate child of Alfred E. Neuman out there."
(Talking about Will Sasso's outfit)
"Do you know what the number 73 means? That's the number of double cheeseburgers he had from 4 - 5."
"I smell a title change, or is it you Tony?"
Bobby Heenan: "I figured out who the Patriot is."
Tony Schiavone: "Who?"
BH: "Where is he from?"
TS: "Washington, DC."
BH: "It's Al Gore."
Mike Tenay: "He's got Roman numerals on his trunks."
Bobby Heenan: "His numerals shouldn't be roamin'."
Mike Tenay: "What took us so long to come to Chapel Hill?"
Bobby Heenan: "We couldn't find it."
(Talking about Tony Schiavone)
"Next week I'll be on the Cartoon Network with pictures of your last date."
(Talking about Jim Duggan)
"He's has a disadvantage when he wakes up."
"What good is shaking your hands? If you want to shake something, put your hands together and wrap them around your opponent's head."
"I remembered when Tony came to WCW. He took the mask off and his career skyrocketed."
"You spend nine years in a hardcore punk band--of course you'd be deaf."
Mike Tenay: "Just who is the leader of the nWo?"
Bobby Heenan: "I'm not sure, but I wouldn't be surprised if Tony Danza comes out."
(During a hardcore match)
"These two move more furniture than Mayflower."
Tony Schiavone: "Don't try this in your backyard."
Bobby Heenan: "Do it in your living room, it is much more fun. Or maybe in Tony's living room, he'll never know."
"What has Saturn got on? Mudflaps?"
(Booker T makes his own count for the win)
"That wouldn't work. You gotta have a guy dressed like a zebra for that."
Originally Posted by TheBoogeyMan
You realize that I did those literally 4 posts ago, right? :confused:
Lawler & McMahon
McMahon: Jesse James can sing as good as he can wrestle.
LAWLER: Then he won't win many matches!
McMahon: Joining us right now as the Sultan fears into this capacity crowd, I believe we have Jerry "The King" Lawler on the line. Mr. Lawler, are you there?
LAWLER: Ya I'm here McMahon and I can't believe you accepted this collect call. You're so cheap; you would not even tip a canoe.
(Sunny holding the Tag Team Belts)
Jerry Lawler: Hey McMahon, look at those belts.
Vince McMahon: Yeah King, they look nice. Now can you please pay attention to the match?
Jerry Lawler: Come on McMahon. Just because I'm on a diet, doesn't mean I can't look at the menu.
Lawler & JR
LAWLER: You know J.R., obviously the only exercise you get is stretching the truth or jumping to conclusions.
(Jim Ross implies that Sunny is too young for Lawler)
LAWLER: I'm not embarrassed to be seen with younger women, except when I drop them off at school.
(Jim Ross asked Lawler if Brian Christopher is his son and then Lawler ask Ross if he had a son. Ross says he has two daughters)
LAWLER: Not packing enough chromosomes, huh? I'm sorry Ross!
JR: Well that's my view of the situation [McMahon firing Stone Cold]
Lawler: Well, get your head out of your butt and you'd have a different view!
(Ross said that Lawler would be wrestling at a local event)
LAWLER: That's right, I'll be there. You know my only regret is that I can't sit out in the audience and watch me.
JR: Why do you keep referring to these fans as "idiots" and "morons"?
Lawler: We gave them an IQ test and the results came back negative.
(Lawler asked Ross where Stu Hart was been and Ross wondered if Stu Hart is betting that Owen Hart would win his match)
LAWLER: He gave up betting after The Civil War.
LAWLER: You (Ross) have diarrhea in the mouth and constipation in the brain.
LAWLER: She (Alundrea Blaze) has a million dollar body, but a ten cent face!
(Sunny come to the ring with her chest showing)
LAWLER: I don't know what the 7 wonders of the world are, but I do know that Sunny has 2 of them!
LAWLER: Sunny, she wants me. I can read her like a book, but I prefer the Braille edition.
(Sable wearing an extremely revealing outfit)
LAWLER: I've seen more cotton on the top of an aspirin bottle!
LAWLER: I've heard of faces that could stop clocks, hers could stop all of Switzerland's.
LAWLER: You look into Sable's eyes and you see the back of her head. A little sex on TV never hurt anyone...unless you fall off
Lawler: If her [Debra McMichael] skirt were any shorter, it'd be a collar.
LAWLER: When it comes to sex, all women want it, just not with you (Ross).
(Jerry tells the girl that her boyfriend wants to marry her.)
Jerry: You don't want to marry him. Look at his ex-girlfriend; she's been around more times than a carousel.
Lawler: Women should be ob-scene and not heard.
Lawler: She's had more hands on her than a doorknob.
Lawler: She's not your type. She's not inflatable.
LAWLER: Panties aren't the greatest thing in the world, but their next to them.
LAWLER: Women! Can't live with'em and they don’t have any resale value.
LAWLER: Every time I look at Luna's face, I think she should put the bag back on.
LAWLER: If the Japanese are so smart, why do they eat with sticks?
LAWLER: Mark Henry just walked in front of me; I thought it was an eclipse.
Lawler: Look at the lips on that guy [Mark Henry]; he could French kiss a moose
(Lawler took on Tito Santana in the semi-finals of the Karate Fighters Holiday Tournament '97)
LAWLER: Santana, what a funny looking outfit! Ha! Ha!
SANTANA: What about yours, Burger King?
LAWLER: Taco Bell!
LAWLER: (Lawler won) Ha! Ha! Ho! Ho! Have another burrito pal! Ha! Ha! Ha!
LAWLER: The only reason why Taka Michinoku is here in this country is because there are too many people in Japan.
LAWLER: Statistics prove that somewhere in Japan, a woman gives birth to a baby ever four seconds. Now I'm going to over there and find that woman and put a stop to it and we wouldn't have people like this (foreigners, talking to Taka Michinoku) coming into our country.
Classic Heel Lawler
(A five year old girl cheering Shawn Michaels)
LAWLER: Look at her, now I know why animals eat their young.
(About Road Dog Jessie James)
LAWLER: When he was in Desert Storm, he was getting shot at by both sides.
LAWLER: Andy Kaufman's mom wanted a girl, his father wanted a boy, and they were both satisfied!
LAWLER: Mabel is so huge, when he was a baby, be got baptized at Sea World.
LAWLER: I'm not a racist like Brett Hart, I hate everyone equally!
LAWLER: Cheating is only cheating when you get caught.
LAWLER: Diesel is so stupid; he thought Hamburger Helper came with a person.
LAWLER: Paul bearer has more chins than a Chinese phone book
LAWLER: He (Ahmed Johnson) has the IQ of 2 and it takes 3 just to grunt.
LAWLER: Paul Bearer is so fat; he has his own gravitational pull!
LAWLER: This Bingo Hall (ECW Arena) should be built out of toilet paper because there's nothing in it but shit!
LAWLER: Yokozuna is nothing but an ingrate. If it was not for Jim Cornette, Yokozuna would still be on a beach selling shade.
LAWLER: Hey Finkel, the last time I saw something like you, I flushed it!
LAWLER: I'm not saying that Stu Hart is old, but I hear that Anna Nicole Smith is asking him out on a date.
Lawler: Pat Patterson is so old, he still has a ticket stub from the original David and Goliath match.
Jerry: What do Jake "The Snake" Roberts and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up!
Jerry: The only reason why Jake wants to come here is because he probably saw the bottle.
Kevin Kelly: I don't think you have anything Jake is interested in.
Jerry: What?! Jake "The Snake's" two best friends are Jim Beam & Jack Daniels.
Jerry: Is it true that the toughest 4 years of your life was the 3rd grade? Is that true?
Lawler: Prince Albert respects the Big Boss Man so much he'd give him the hair off his back.
Lawler: When God said "Let there be light, Mae Young threw the switch."
Lawler: [Mae Young's] wrinkles have wrinkles.
Lawler: [The Fabulous Moolah] was a waitress at the last supper.
Lawler: He's [The Blue Meanie] is the reason for separate beds.
Lawler: He's twisted, perverted... he's sick. Normally, I like that in a person (of Golddust).
LAWLER: The only reason I lost to Aldo Montoya was the intoxicating fumes there were coming off his body from being around Jake Roberts.
LAWLER: I couldn't warm up to Andy Kaufman if we were cremated together.
LAWLER: The older they (Legion of Doom) get, the better they were.
(Terry Funk did a moonsault and his leg hit the security railing)
LAWLER: The only thing harder than Terry Funk's legs are his arteries.
(Owen Hart hit Ken Shamrock with a dumbbell to win the match)
LAWLER: He hit a dumbbell with a dumbbell, Ha! Ha! This is great!
LAWLER: Also never underestimate the power of stupid people in large troops; they're all behind The Rock!
LAWLER: If brains were chocolate, he (X-Pac) still wouldn't fill an M&M.
(Referring to Blackman hitting Shamrock with a car)
LAWLER: You got Blackman; he's a dangerous, dangerous man. Used to be Ken Shamrock was the world's most dangerous man, but now Shamrock is the world's most dangerous speed bump.
LAWLER: What do you think has got to be going through the mind of X-Pac right now? He's more nervous than a pizza on the plate of Paul Bearer.
LAWLER: And The Rock said "King, what is twelve inches long and hangs in front of an ass?" My eyes got all big and he said, "Mankind's tie."
LAWLER: Moolah knew Madame Butterfly when she was a caterpillar.
LAWLER: Mae Young is so old that when David killed Goliath, she was the one that called the cops!!
Lawler: Mankind is two fries short of a happy meal.
(Jerry while questioning people from Alabama.)
Lawler: I got a tough one for you. If your mom and dad got a divorce, would they still be brother and sister? Ha, Ha! That's a tough one, isn't it?
Lawler: Just because Hunter Hearst Helmsley makes Pinocchio look like a cat, don't make fun of him.
(The Mexican Wrestlers in the ring)
Lawler: Look at Paul E. He needs to wear a mask. He looks like a bloated-up toe frog.