TNA, WTF episode 2: the SHOCKING RETURN of Mr. Anderson
by, 08-29-2011 at 01:43 PM (4254 Views)
OK guys, I'ma generally try and keep all these WTFs short, sweet, and nasty. This one, however, is gonna be a more meaty post because there's some shit going on here that disturbs me.
Here's the nutshell: 2 weeks ago Kenny Anderson gets beat down by Immortal. IMPACT this Thursday we're shown these little shots of combat boots walking throughout the show. Then in the Immortal match here comes Anderson in a jeep. OMG SHOCKING RETURN IT WAS HIM WITH THE BOOTS ON THIS WHOLE TIME!!!!!! TNA, IMPACT Wrestling, whatever the fuck you are, I say what the FUCK. That's the short cranky version. Here's the long version. The lightly toasted and heavily concerned version.
I really want to like TNA, but more and more each week I want to echo Botchamania's recurring line, "FUCK THIS COMPANY!" I'm about to talk a lot of shit about this company so I want to first say that I really respect and enjoy a lot of their talent, and they've done great things over the years. Even this year.
The obvious one right off the bat is Styles vs Joe vs Daniels. Styles vs Abyss at Lockdown 05 also comes to mind. Beer Money vs MCMG best of 5 was sick as hell. Ultimate X is a great match concept. They're making Austin Asshole a priority which is a VERY smart play. I really like Gunner, man. I think he's got a lot of upside. He can learn to talk, and if they do it right he won't have to much anyway. People hate him already and if he can stay healthy they've got a franchise player there. Plus, if you don't think Kurt Angle is the shit you don't know anything. I have respect for the people and things in that company that deserve it, [start rant] so any pissy little fanboy fucks who want to shout at me and wave the IMPACT! flag are going to be met with derision and contempt and hilarity will ensue at their expense. I also may as well say that anyone who wants to criticize my use of profanity can suck my fucking shitting dick because my vocabulary and compositional skills are head and shoulders above the norm, and when that's the case, blue language can be quite meaningful and even lyrical [end rant]. Hope I didn't lose too many of you there. Here we go!
First I just wanna talk about the two staples of professional wrestling which TNA has flubbed here. The "SHOCKING RETURN!" and...
Mysterious feet. Every time you go to commercial you show somebody walking, but just their feet. The idea is that it keeps you watching til the end because the Mysterious Walking Feet are so captivating. First and foremost: they already did that shit with Anderson very recently. Remember when he had on the classic Stinger gear and they kept showing his boots walking? Well, now they're doing it again and, oh my god, right? It's Anderson again, wow! TNA has a really nasty habit of doing this kind of shit. They'll do all this foreshadowing throughout the episode and act like something new and exciting is going to happen but it ends up with some shit like this.
Me watching TNA:
"Oh great, THEY is just Hogan and Bischoff."
"Oh great, RVD's blockbuster mystery opponent is just fuckin' Matt Hardy."
"Oh great, THEY is just fuckin' Fortune."
"Oh great, it's just fuckin' Anderson."
"FUCK THIS COMPANY!"
There are all kinds of ways to do the shocking return and the mysterious feet, but it usually boils down to one of two things: the work and the shoot. Either someone has been out as a part of your storyline, or they have been legit injured or away from the company. This Anderson deal was the former. It was all a work, so let's break down the angle.
It all starts with Immortal. I'll post another more in-depth blog about Immortal but I don't want to stray too much from the point right now. Basically, it's a rehash of TNA's very favorite storyline: DOMINANT HEEL GROUP TAKES OVER COMPANY! I'm not a fan. There are some positives, like the the introduction of Crimson and Gunner and the elevation of Buh, Buh, Buh, Bubba Ray Dudley, now Bully Ray, to legitimate singles status. Bottom line though, it's tired and I was already sick of it when it was called MEM.
Why is this so important? Because Anderson is just another in a long list of people that creative has crammed into this Immortal angle. They're like chickens with their heads cut off, just aimlessly adding and removing and feuding members of Immortal. What the hell did they put him there for anyway? I think the discussion was something like:
"...So we're in agreement. Sting will keep robbing characters from recently deceased actors and we'll keep Joe on the back burner. Let's rehash that Nation of Violence thing and just not call it Nation of Violence."
"BROTHER, BROTHER, BROTHER."
"And we're gonna keep pushing Anderson no matter what."
"You bet, BROTHER! But I can't see him getting over without me being involved somehow. I'm gonna cut some 15-minute promos, dude. I'm gonna do at least 3 backstage segments every week dude, and then I'm gonna plaster my stupid old face on TVs across the globe one more time, BROTHER, when I do my clunky, hammy, unnecessary run-in at the PPV dude. I WASN'T JUST THE RIGHT GUY AT THE RIGHT TIME. I SLAMMED ANDRE! " God damn it, Terry.
How long was Kenny in Immortal anyway, a month? So now they're feuding and Immortal annihilates Anderson. With a big team beat down. Like they do to everybody every week. Fuckin' yawn, dude. I didn't even know that he was supposed to be "injured!" Why would I give a fuck when he comes back? No shock, and certainly no awe from Anderson's return. Speaking of shock and awe, wasn't one of his his first major feuds in the company all about him cutting up Kurt Angle with his "Warrior" dog tags, which he wore as a tribute to the men and women in the service, and then spitting on them? Why is he donning the army boots and driving the jeep and all that shit?
It's time to take a step back from all of the silly theatrics. It's time for Jeff Jarrett to fuck off from TV, it's time for Hulk and Eric to fuck off from TV. It's time to "FIRE RUSSO! CLAP, CLAP, CLAP CLAP CLAP. FIRE RUSSO! CLAP, CLAP, CLAP CLAP CLAP." I'm surprised that chant hasn't popped up on every single PPV this year because it's getting ridiculous. It's time to start creating some sort of canon for the company instead of just having people flip-flopping and changing drastically from month to month. They try to have these big shocks all the time, but it all just runs together like a drunken memory and it doesn't make any sense. How can I be shocked by a company that pulls some fucking shenanigans every week? I really started writing this with the intention of just ragging on the Anderson return segment, but I realized after about 30 seconds that it was a good opportunity to explore some of TNA's major pitfalls and indeed just to rant a little and vent my hatred for Eric and Terry because they're supposed to be helping this company and they're just stealing TV time from the young guys. More importantly, and this is really what makes me sick, is that there are some guys in that company who are tremendous and they've built this company for almost ten fucking years. Now they're still going strong but nobody stays young forever (except for the Naitch) so these are precious years in their careers, and I'd hate to see them wasted by two of the biggest egos in the history of the business.