Random Thoughts: Impact Wrestling 8-8-13
by, 08-08-2013 at 11:20 PM (4000 Views)
It’s time to pick on TNA again. Now this will be the third week straight that I pick on these poor bastards. Now, it’s not because I hate them. Quite the contrary, I’ve been looking forward to TNA the most every week. The BFG series is clearly the best reason to tune in to their program. But...the last two weeks, the stories have sucked, they really have. The lawsuit, the August 1st mystery, it’s just been bad. And my scores may have not truly reflected what I felt about the shows. That’ll be the norm with me. You really have to pay more attention to my content rather than the scores. Within the bad jokes is the hidden truth, so the scores don’t always tell the whole story...or even tell the story correctly. So, I’ll try to grade my thoughts more accurately this time around. I personally try not to read spoilers, so while many people last week at least have an idea of how this show is gonna be tonight, I’m in the dark. So come with me as we venture into another Bischoff-approved TNA.
Main Attraction: Impact Wrestling 8-8-13
Nuts, it was good while it lasted
So Taz is back. And he threw Tenay out. Well...we might as well mute the television tonight.
Poor poor Borash
So Aces come out and Taz is back to reclaim his spot at the announcer’s table with Mr. Anderson joining along. Well there might be a little bit of hope if Mr. Anderson is allowed to talk. Before Taz reclaims his spot, he has some words for Jeremy.
“This is my table, you hear me? My table! WWE wouldn’t take me back, so this is my table! They wouldn’t use me for a RAW in my hometown of Brooklyn, so this is my table! They said they had no interest, that there’s no one in TNA that they need, especially a wrestler turned half-ass announcer like me, so this is my table! You here, my table! Because they just wouldn’t take me so..this is...my...table...”
*proceeds to collapse, crying, yelling “WHY!!!!!”*
Bully should learn to read
So Bully mentions how he wasn’t impressed with the August 1st Mystery (gee, no kidding) and says nobody does surprises better than him. Nobody in TNA does surprises well...period. He then calls out Sabin so they can sign the contract. Sabin comes out and Bully mentions he hates how the title looks on him. Personally, I like the wearing the title like a sash look. Brooke then comes out and mentions her father isn’t here tonight (another episode without Hogan? Things are on an upswing) and also mentions a little something that he overlooked in his rematch clause.
Turns out if Bully loses his rematch, he can never get another World Title match again...ever...for the rest of his life. Men in black will follow him from promotion to promotion ensuring he doesn’t ask for another title. His phone lines will be monitored to make sure he doesn’t call a promoter at three in the morning asking for a title match. If he comes within 15 yards of a championship, gps monitoring systems will alert a special government task force whose job is to make sure that a wrestler honors his “No World Title for Life” clause. Some people may call it wasteful spending, but it still makes more sense than Obamacare.
...I’d be scared of being flamed after doing that joke, but I know liberals don’t watch wrestling.
Perhaps Bully should have looked past the clause where he gets a lifetime supply of Twinkies if he gets the rematch. Bully is refusing to sign the contract...but one sexual insult from Brooke later and we have ourselves a main event for the Free Per View spectacular, Hardcore Justice.
I love Bound for Glory
Nine out of ten times you’ll get great matches. Samoa Joe and Jeff Hardy is one of those Nine times. Joe tried to net himself 10 points, but surprisingly Jeff Hardy picks up the pinfall victory.
Trouble in Paradise
Daniels thinks Kazarian...or Frankie (awww)...is being selfish. I wonder who’ll have to buy the flowers.
Get it? Cause it’s a play on the word Rude. It’s funny, HA! So Mr. Anderson’s match is next, and luckily he doesn’t have far to walk considering he’s at the announcer’s table. And I’ve gotta say, Magnus is the future. TNA better not botch him. Mr. Anderson puts up a valiant effort, but it would take Roode running in with a steel chair, hitting Anderson and taking 10 points away from Magnus. Quite clever.
Roode calls himself a genius
And that he is. I look forward to more of his antics.
Magnus tells the ref he doesn’t hold it against him
Ummm...are Bromans...are they planning for their gay wedding?
They just told a hot chick to get out of their dressing room, so what do you think?
August 1st Recap
Ah crap...we’re about to go downhill, aren’t we.
Sabin tells Main Event Mafia he has a planning
Uh oh...goody two shoes has been scheming.
What the hell was the point
Jeremy calls Tito Ortiz a Bellator Superstar. Be nice of him to fight a match first before giving him that honorary title. So Tito is asked why is he here, but I hope you don’t care, cause he’ll never answer. Angle comes out, warning Tito to respect his space. And Tito does the worst delivery of the line “Loud and clear” that I have ever heard...in my entire life. Bully then comes out telling Tito to keep his “stupid face” out of his way. Bully leaves. Angle leaves. Jeremy forgets he was doing an interview. Pointless. There’s seven minutes we’ll never see again people.
The Tag Team Champs graces us with their presence
They’re teamed with ODB against...ugh...the Bromans and...*boing*...Mickie James. During the match TNA 10 Reunion PPV event is advertised. Yea, good luck finding that on your local Cable and Satellite provider. You’ll probably find CBS a lot easier. ODB and company picks up the win in a decent match, but she’s then attacked by Gail Kim. Gunner and Storm don’t really do a good job protecting their tag team partner, who’s then hit from behind by Mickie James.
...ummm...Bro’s before Ho’s?
Okay...now show us your storyline for the tag team champs...you don’t have one, do you.
Kazarian still upset Chris said “Poor Frankie”
...we may need a box of chocolates for this.
They won that many tag team titles!?
Impressive. Bully is looking forward to beating respect into Sabin while Devon is looking to send the Mafia a message that someone is going home next week. I guess Devon is gonna tell them that he’s gonna lose next week.
(Insert Cat Fighting Noises Here)
This is a quickie. Nothing too special till the ending when Daniels and Kazarian both elect to be double counted out together.
Awww...it’s like a cheesy ending to a romantic comedy :-)
Then Bobby Roode comes out (WTF) to announce while everyone has been paying attention to other useless crap, himself and Bad Influence have been ignored, and form an alliance together.
...I think that kinda contradicts the “Do things for himself” character he’s presented to us for the past two weeks. Meh, we’ll see where it goes.
Tito told there’s a lot of questions for him
Just promises to hit people next week.
A “Meh” World Champ
So Sabin’s master plan for the main event? Bring Sting out as his partner. But...I think Angle was hitting the sauce before the match, cause he’s suddenly out there beating up on Bully and Devon, and now Angle is his partner.
...oh there isn’t gonna be a strong enough flame proof suit for that.
And look, I’m just not sold on Sabin being World Champ. They make him wimp out every time he’s in the ring. Look, he can’t just do good against people his own size...please, give him a chance to fight. He does get a second wind in the end, predictably, and picks up the pinfall victory on Bully. But...I just wish he would’ve had a more well-rounded performance like Angle. I hope the main event next week shows a more even showing before Sabin drops the title, otherwise this first title reign of his will be easily forgotten.
Well, we knew any August 1st follow-up would suck, but this wasn’t a bad show. There’s a couple of things I wish they would’ve done differently, but overall I liked it. The wrestling was good, anything with Roode was my favorite part of the show, and Daniels and Kazarian are living happily ever after. What more can you ask for?
Four Angle DW....uhhhh, Four out of five.