Random Thoughts: An Arduous Raw 8-5-13
by, 08-07-2013 at 11:38 AM (3211 Views)
Well, after two straight TNA blogs it’s time to pick on RAW, which tends to get a bit exhausting. Usually I do these blogs one of three ways:
1) Take notes on all segments shown and organize them in a blog later.
2) During commercial breaks, write on the segment that I just saw. When you see my blogs timestamped an hour after the show ends, this is usually what I’ve done.
or 3) Watch the show and recount from memory later, using results as a guide for segments that took place, so my blog is not a jumbled mess, since my memory can be that of a fly that just saw his buddy squashed by a fly swatter and seconds later thinks the best spot to land on is right on top of his squished carcass.
But when it comes to RAW, I find that none of these methods are really the best way to tackle RAW, because RAW is just an incredibly long show. Hell, it’s technically longer than Pay Per Views, who requires that their shows end within the three hour block given to them. But nooooo, not USA Network, who almost continuously allows Raw to run five, ten, and on those especially rare occasions almost fifteen minutes over the scheduled end time.
And being as I set my blog format up to comment on every single segment and match that goes on, with little quips here and there, and am unwilling to alter that format for RAW, I find myself passing it over, despite there being a lot I would like to comment and make fun of.
Although work can also be factor, this week I have five days off, so no excuses. Time for this week’s main attraction. Please no phone calls during the reading of this blog...I demand it!
MAIN ATTRACTION: RAW 8-5-13
I guess they found a barber’s chair
Was it worth it WWE? Was it worth it? Stephanie McMahon brings out the new look Daniel Bryan. Steph goes “Yes! Yes!” The crowd goes “No! No!” Vince comes out and goes “...meh...” and demands that his beard be shaved. And out comes that barber’s chair that we all heard they were searching for. Boy, I would’ve jacked the rent on them. And for some reason Wade Barrett comes out to shave the beard because his father, or great grandfather, I don’t remember, was a barber, so that somehow makes him qualified.
I don’t know. I think a golden opportunity was missed to call in Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake for a cameo. Is he even still alive? Sure I can just look that up right now and edit this whole thing, but I’ll let you tell me in the comments.
Bryan has second thoughts, shaves some of Barrett’s beard, and reveals what will soon be the newest edition to the WWE shop, a shirt that says “The Beard Is Here.” Hmm....useful for me on days I don’t feel like shaving for work.
Oh, and Daniel Bryan uses one of the seven words banned for life from WWE: Wrestler.
Not back from Suspension for long
So Ricardo Rodriguez comes out in Alberto’s match with RVD...you know, to make up for screwing the fans a good match a couple of weeks ago. Yea, I know Alberto’s ribs was broken, but couldn’t they had matched RVD up with someone else?
Well the match was standard, but the real action happens after the match. Ricardo’s plan to help Alberto with a bucket backfires, costing him the match instead. And despite pleas for forgiveness, Alberto proceeds to kick Ricardo in the head, smash the bucket on his head, and place his head between the steel stairs and ring post, kicking the stairs and smashing Ricardo’s skull like a grape.
...You know what, I think Alberto may have been mad about the loss. But on the plus side, severing ties with Ricardo gets rid of any more reasons to ever turn him Face again, thank god. That’s well worth Ricardo not able to retain more than ten seconds of memory for the rest of his life.
Is the briefcase worth a thing if the contract is ruined?
Serious question here. Loving the feud, but if the contract is ruined, there’s nothing to cash in...right? We are treading uncharted territory here.
This is what Ryback calls smart?
So it’s the big Wrestlemania 29 rematch...four months later. Who the hell cares if Ryback and Mark Henry fought at Wrestlemania at this point. By now the DVD has been out long enough for people to press the skip button on the match. It’s nothing special. Ryback rolls out of the ring, pointing to his head signifying how smart he is as the ref counts to ten, giving Ryback the loss.
Oh, and Shield? Shield? Shield? We’re giving that build up a break? Okay.
I don’t care about the damn Divas show
And unless someone’s dress slips off again, I don’t care about this segment either.
Is he hiding a weapon in that elbow
So John Cena comes out and OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT!? I’m pretty sure I wasn’t the only one thinking that when he showed off his elbow. I thought the alien was suppose to come out of the stomach. Is that elbow even legal...in fake wrestling? Cena also goes on to scoff on the idea of wrestling anywhere else, single handedly taking a dump on every independent wrestler...in the world...and Arena Football League fans. My god, he unifies the hatred of fans from all spectrums of the world.
Randy Orton then comes out to remind Cena that he can cash in at any time.
...is he going to do this every week?
Then the Shield, who’s circle jerk lasted ten minutes longer than expected, comes out to the ring. Realizing it’s not Mark Henry in the ring, they figure ‘screw it’ and just roll with it. D-Bry comes out to even the odds and that mutant Brad Maddox comes out to make a six man tag main event.
...Mark Henry would’ve been a smart decision to have come out instead, but this what happens when you write a script on Tuesday, don’t submit to the boss till monday at 7pm, and have to write changes...things get overlooked.
Ahhh! No silly dancing!
Don’t you know when you dance like an idiot, white rednecks come out to beat you senseless?
And that they did...in a match. Yea, Luke and Erik make their WWE in ring debut in what was essentially a squash. The real action comes after the match while Bray is on the mic. Kane appears on the titantron to basically tell Bray that while Bray hurts people to get a message across, Kane does it for the hell of it. What a wonderful job wrestling is.
Oh, and their match at Summerslam...an inferno match!!!
Did I crap my pants in excitement? Yes! Am I looking forward to this match? You’re damn right! Will their be kids setting themselves on fire the following day, imitating what they saw on PPV? You betcha! But the possibility of a few charred kids will not get in the way of my entertainment damn it!
Quick Hype for Punk/Lesnar
And guarantees that Curtis’ blind loyalty to Heyman will get him beat tonight.
Awww....crazy made a friend
And Layla also admits in a pre-recorded statement during the Layla/Kaitlyn match why she backstabbed Kaitlyn. You know, those things they use to do in the early 90’s showing a wrestler promo during a match, but became stupid during the Attitude era, but now isn’t stupid again. I never liked it..
Oh, why did Layla do what she did? Because...she’s a bitch. Seriously, that’s basically it. Layla picks up the win with the help of AJ, and they go skipping off into the sunset.
Did Christian have anything important coming up?
Meh, put him in a match with Heath Slater in the meantime. With the time given to them it was a pretty decent match.
I just wish they would give Christian something to do...like go for a title like the United States Championship...or even the World Heavyweight Championship. I bet if he was number one contender they would do something meaningful with him tonight.
And...that’s it. I knocked out. I couldn’t do it...I just couldn’t. It hasn’t been the best show so far and it was exhausting up to this point, I just could only make it to just over two of the allotted three hours plus. And so far, let’s be honest...what has happened so far? I don’t think very much. Why was Christian thrown away? Why was Mark Henry thrown away? Why were their opponents involved in separate storylines at this point? Is Ryback doing anything for Summerslam? Is Wade Barrett not going to attempt to get revenge for having his beard shaved off? Can you do some meaningful build for the IC title other than just have Axel help for the Punk/Lesnar build up? Can Randy Orton do anything else other than come out reminding Cena that he has the briefcase. What’s Ziggler doing!? Of course you assume he’s going to face Big E at Summerslam, but why the hell are they giving the match away tonight? People, we are two weeks away from one of the main pay per views of the year. Of all the pay per views, there are five I believe you do not half ass: Wrestlemania, Money in the Bank, Summerslam, Survivor Series, and Royal Rumble. Supposedly this script was rewritten up the ass amount of times, and it shows. And I’ve always found the champion and challenger kinda respecting each other story direction to be boring. The only thing still keeping me excited for the main event is Daniel Bryan. Their building tension between D-Bry and Vince McMahon better than D-Bry vs Cena, which makes me think D-Bry is getting screwed at Summerslam. I don’t know...it all feels like patch work to me.
An hour left in the show still and this is how I’m feeling right now. This should be the time I end this blog, assign it a grade and save myself what feels like torture. BUT...in this digital age, television programs are available almost as instantly as they end and I have of course found the rest of the third hour to watch so I can give a fair assessment of the show. As much as I don’t want to...let us proceed.
Third Hour does start with something awesome
This match was Marks approved. CM Punk charges up the ramp wanting to get a piece of Heyman, but there’s the little issue of his match with Curtis Axel first. Axel takes control of the match during the commercial break (no, I’m still not downloading the damn app) and Heyman thinks it’s safe to come back out.
Towards the end while Heyman is checking on Axel, CM Punk attacks Heyman causing the ref to stop the match...for no reason whatsoever. But Brock comes out and we get a much deserved preview for Summerslam. Wish the match at Summerslam would be no holds barred. Meh, I’m sure the ref will conveniently forget about the rules then. Punks hatred for Heyman gets the better of him and Brock lays him out with a chair and F5, leaving Punk’s chin a bloody mess. Why is someone always bleeding when Brock is involved?
Main Event Next Week: Punk vs Heyman
So the dastardly trio of Heyman, Brock, and Axel are interviewed, and Brock makes it clear he is not impressed with the best of the best of the best of the best of the best of the oh I’m just getting annoying now. Then Heyman announced next week he’ll walk to the ring looking for a man to man fight with CM Punk.
I’m sure a lot of ECW wrestlers that weren’t paid towards the end and yet RVD got a check to appear at the final pay per view would like to be ahead of Punk right now for that man to man fight. Them...and Jim Cornette...but he’s just freakin crazy.
Return to mediocrity
Kofi is back...and I like him. First, he beat on Fandango which is a plus for me. But in the end he’s not gonna get the push he deserves. Why? Because, and I’m about to upset the IWC here, it’s not all about skill. Unfortunately his character still needs a makeover. But it was good to see him in action.
HHH to save the day
Steph comes to HHH crying because the makeover segment with Daniel Bryan didn’t go over so well, causing Vince to yell at her. Either that or he just found out how much he paid for the chair, causing Vince to yell at her. HHH then goes on to say how the old man has lost his mind and that Vince wouldn’t dare scrap Summerslam because he doesn’t want to see Cena as champ anymore. HHH then boldly announces that he’s going to put a stop to his daddy-in-law ways once and for all.
..Question. Why does Vince suddenly hate Cena as champ? It just seems to come up so suddenly. Yea, Cena struts around like he owns the place...ummm...okay...It just seems very sudden. Of course if you really need to find a reason you can go all the way back to the MITB events of 2011, but I doubt the creative team thought that hard about it. They got about as much attention span as a fly that just saw his buddy squashed by a fly swatter and seconds later...wait, I already used that joke.
Together they make the league of talent left out of Summerslam
So The Real Americans come out, and Zeb does his thing on the mic, insulting the Greenbay Packers. Now, insulting the Greenbay Packers...in Greenbay no less...is the equivalent of building a time machine, going back to the last supper, pissing in the wine Jesus is giving to his disciples, pouring it on Jesus’ head, taking a picture, going back to the present, sneaking into the Vatican, going to the Pope’s room, kicking him in the balls, leaving back to your time machine, going back to the moment when you’re in the Pope’s room, watching it while eating popcorn and throwing the popcorn at him when it’s all done. That’s either the equivalent or slightly worst than the above scenario.
You know, a thought just occurred to me. Why aren’t these two teams fighting each other in a number one contender’s match at Summerslam. Or these two and the Prime Time Players. Don’t have this talent sitting with their thumbs up their ass. Just drop a Miz TV segment that should never be at PPV to begin with and make the damn match. Wish The Usos would’ve come up with the victory, but great all around performance from everyone.
So we get another meeting between Big E Langston and Dolph Ziggler on cable TV. What the hell!? We shouldn’t be seeing them fight on Raw. This should be a PPV match we should be streaming for fre....errr...I mean paying for! Just great talent from these two. I feel like these two should be in a WHC match at Summerslam, but since they botched Ziggler, and Big E is attached to him like a magnet, they’re both essentially left out in the cold.
Great match until Kaitlyn comes out and the Kaitlyn/AJ feud spills into the ring. God damn it! Big E takes advantage of Dolph trying to break them up (why should he even care if they’re fighting to begin with) and picks up the victory. Oh god...this is going to lead to a stupid mixed tag match at Summerslam, isn’t it.
Do you think The Shield remembers how to wrestle in singles matches
I mean this is all we have them do nowadays. Understandably they do work well as a unit, but why can’t they work in singles matches and have the other two interfere? Why can’t they defend their titles on at least one Raw or Smackdown since their titles won’t be defended at Summerslam? Why do we need them to fight again for a bazillionth time in a six-man tag match?
Whatever. The match is good, but ends in a DQ for The Shield when they break up Daniel Bryan’s NO lock. Why would a save cause a DQ? Well, it’s probably because of the rule that has never been mentioned on TV that a team is only allowed one save a match. A second one, and you’re disqualified. But this is NEVER explained in these tag matches. I found out by watching the short clip of a Davey Boy Smith Jr. shoot interview. So while wrestling fans in the know realize what has just happened, the casual viewer has to go “duuhhhhhh” because there is no explanation as to what happened.
But the casual viewer won’t give a damn after Orton gives Daniel Bryan and John Cena an RKO. Then we’re teased with the possibility of Orton cashing in, making a much better main event for Summerslam in my opinion, but the Shield comes back in to stand in Orton’s way because...ummm...they came late to attack Mark Henry, so screw it. Go with the flow. So, I guess people are calling this an Orton heel turn...but I just don’t know. Orton has done prickish things as a Face plenty of times, so why is this time a Heel turn? Because he attacked Cena...which is the equivalent of building a time machine...I used that joke too, didn’t I.
I’m not going to say the show was entirely bad, but they did make botches. They completely ignored two Summerslam matches. Why? Everyone that needed to be here was here, even Big Show. Ugh...just seems to be a lot of wasted opportunities tonight. I know when everything is hectic and the boss needs rewrites, certain details may be forgotten. But considering they’re getting paid to catch the details, unfortunately it’s no excuse. Also, three hours a weekly basis is just a damn chore.
Three forgotten storylines...out of five.
UPDATE: Just found out there's gonna be a mixed tag match. DAMN IT!
2.5 out of 5 now.