Random Thoughts: Mistakes, A Letter to the WWE Universe, and IMPACT WRESTLING 4-11-13
by, 04-12-2013 at 11:41 PM (3261 Views)
Well, it’s another day in the wrestling world, as today I decide to focus the main attraction of this blog to TNA in order to decrease the amount of readers because...well, if you like WWE you have to hate TNA, right? But let’s do a little clean up duty first.
Flubs and Screw ups
- Last time, I mentioned that the Rock was no longer on the Atlantic side of this country. Well, apparently that wasn’t true. While the dirt sheets originally said he went to Los Angeles, he in fact got checked up...in Miami. That still doesn’t excuse the fact that WWE found out about the Rock’s departure from the Northeast well late into the day, and quite frankly did make for a piss poor main event, which was only saved by Ryback.
- While talking about Bryan jobbing to Big E Langston, I did forget to mention him trying to cop a feel on AJ. And you know what, she liked it. After Big E “hits” AJ, she clearly has a big smile on her face.
- While Orton and Sheamus was arguing over who would be the number one contender...to face the Big Show *sigh*...I did forget the mention that awkward moment when Orton forgot his lines. Maybe I was just zoning out during this promo, because it is two people arguing over fighting the Big Show. But watching it again...I can’t imagine what went through Sheamus’ head when Randy asks him “What’s my line” in front of a live god damn arena audience and on live television.
A Letter To: WWE Universe
Dear WWE Universe:
God damn you all. Do you people realize what you all have done? You’ve all have had the nerve to make Fandango popular. Sure, humming his theme song may seem cute to all of you, but WWE Creative doesn’t know that. They think you genuinely like him as a wrestler. This is a huge problem, as his Wrestlemania performance was mediocre at best (and from what I saw, that’s being generous), yet it seems like they’re ready to surge Fandango into the main event scene all because of the sudden popularity...of his theme song.
God damn it! The theme song isn’t even that good. It’s generic!!!
Plus, you all do realize that the chant happened in New Jersey, right? NOTHING GOOD HAS EVER COME OUT OF JERSEY!!!
...except the Giants, but that’s because they’re being horribly held captive...in a 1.6 billion dollar state of the art football stadium with 80,000 seats, making it the largest football stadium in the country...DAMN THEM!!!
So thank you WWE Universe for making him popular. You have done three things:
1) Ensured that we’ll get a dangerous overdose of Fandango in the near future;
2) Help to elevate him and by doing so, helping to keep much more worthy talent down.
3) Proved Vince McMahon right. He can shovel any kind of crap to us, cause we’ll gladly eat it and beg for more. His next idea now? The revival of Duke “The Dumpster” Droese, as played by JTG.
Remember, say no to a Duke “The Dumpster” Droese revival played by JTG.
A deeply concerned wil2197
Main Attraction: TNA Impact Wrestling 4/11/13
Hogan kicks things off
Hogan kicks off the show with Jeff Hardy just to remind us that he’s not going anywhere...ever. Hell, he’ll have his dead corpse reanimated so he’ll continue to show up without a hitch for the rest of TNA’s existence...
...which is what? Like another six months at the rate TNA spends cash on these on the road shows. Hey, we complained that they should leave the Impact Zone. Hope we’re all happy if they run deep into the red before the year is out.
Best two out of three falls for the TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP...with the first two falls occuring in the first two minutes...
I mean seriously, what’s the point of having a two out of three falls match if you throw the first two falls away that quickly? And come to think of it, has anyone EVER seen a two out of three falls match end 2 - 0...and your WWE 13 Universe mode doesn’t count!!!
Other than that, not much to complain about. Actually, great match to kick things off. Being that the stipulation was Chavo and Hector have to break up if they lose, it’s not surprising that they won their titles back. But it certainly did seem dramatic at times.
Joey Ryan and the Penis References
Bless your heart, TV-14...bless your heart.
Enters Aces and Eights
Douchebags don’t know how to wear helmets? And Devon better get that Television title off his neck. I hate wrestlers that wear titles on their necks. It’s not cool, it’s stupid! You didn’t win a championship necklace, you won a belt...you moron!!!
A long winded speech by Joseph Park...for Joseph Park anyway
My god, someone get the man a glass a water...a chair to sit on...his asthma pump...anything. The man is struggling to say his lines without taking a few breaths between every word. He goes blabbing about how he has the anullment paper written up for Brooke Hogan, and Devon comes out...wearing his belt correctly this time.
He mentions how Park shouldn’t mess with his brother, Bully...what, you can’t see the similarities between Devon and Bully...and rips up the paperwork for the anullment
Ooooooo...because there’ s no way he can write up new papers.
And apparently he can’t, as Park begins to pick the pieces up. For Park’s stupidity...I wouldn’t even know where to begin...Devon promptly lays him out in the ring.
An Old Dirty Bitch in the middle
Former referee Taryn Terrell has a score to settle with Gail Kim. After a video package detailing their feud, we get...
HOLD IT! Unnecessary close-up of the announcer’s legs.
God bless you TV-14.
So ODB is named the special guest referee and...I don’t know. Usually I actually like the Knockout matches, they’re light years ahead of the Divas in terms of skills, but this match didn’t do it for me. It was over in two minutes and change, Taryn got her first victory, and ODB went around spanking her own ass...enough said.
A serious Gutcheck discus...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
I’m sorry, I like Al Snow. I really do. But...I just can’t take him seriously. At any moment I expected the mannequin head to jump in on the conversation to give it’s input.
Oh, after a tough decision they had to cut Pearce. Any smart promotion would give both of them a job...but we don’t give no thought to that...intelligent stuff.
After AJ’s Heart <3
So now the time has come!!! Hogan calls AJ out wanting an answer. TNA or Aces and Eights!? James Storm suddenly comes out.
“Sorry about your damn luck.”
I gotta hand it to James Storm, at least his theme song apologizes for him coming out. Oh, and you’re not forgiven...EVER!
Anyway, James Storm wants to fights. Hell, this is wrestling, right? Then Daniels and Kazarian comes out and they want AJ to join them!!!
And who does AJ Styles choose?
...The Miami Heat. God damn sellout!!!!
No, actually he just walks away. Yea, you know the big advertised AJ’s decision? Yea, screw you! Unfortunately for him though, Hogan orders a match between Storm and AJ Styles on the next Impact.
Joey Ryan vs Rob Terry
Hogan told off
Hogan can’t convince his daughter not to go to ringside for the main event. Yea...I’m sure everything will be okay (must keep straight face...must keep straight face).
Then the Brawny man decides to sound off against Hogan...err..I mean Matt Morgan, saying how he should’ve been number one contender. He tells Hogan his mistakes will catch up to him, puts a voodoo spell on Hogan, and says have a nice day.
Ooops, I mean Magno. Unfortunately, Davis gives Magno his first no, and is given thirty seconds to beg for his career. Despite a threat from him to send an invasion force from Asteroid M to wipe us all out, Prichard still says no.
Thank you Prichard, you’ve doomed mankind.
No, I’m just kidding with X-Men reference. Afterall, they wouldn’t cut both Pearce and Magno after they had praised them both in an earlier Gutcheck segment. That would be totally stupid. Oh wait, after cutting Pearce earlier, they decide to tell Magno to take a hike. That’s totally stupid.
Aces and Eights revving it up
Why? Because...they have nothing better to do. But Bully Ray proudly proclaims that he’ll beat Jeff Hardy alone tonight. Hmm...I wonder if that’ll hold?
Tables, Ladders and Ch...errr....Full Metal Mayhem!!!!
...nope, it doesn’t. Bully scores the win with the assist from Taz handing him a hammer But hell of a match still. Some interesting tidbits.
- At least one ladder was harmed in the making of this match.
- As Hardy sat Bully on a table, his ass fell right through. Weight Watchers is your friend, Bully.
- Hardy was persistent as he went ALL THE WAY to the other side of the arena to get another table and brought it back...couldn’t we had thought of better placement for these tables? Like one under the ring?
- Bully was nice enough to voluntarily lay on the table after a Twist of Fate so Hardy can pull off his move off the top rope. Isn’t Bully a nice guy.
- Important lesson: If you climb a ladder, always make sure a table ISN’T behind you. Chances are you’re gonna fall through it.
So what did I think overall? I loved the beginning. I loved the ending. The middle...too much crap going on. I mean yea, there were two other wrestling matches, but they were short and squashes pretty much. I wish there would’ve been a third decent length match. And I probably didn’t address this properly with Raw in my last entry. Raw had about only two decent length matches as well, and the main event didn’t even fall in that category. The huge problem with that is that Raw is a three hour show, while Impact Wrestling is working with two hours, but at least Raw had two title changes which is rare. However, considering that Impact Wrestling has one less hour to work with, and I wasn’t tough enough on Raw for that flaw, I won’t be that tough on Impact Wrestling either.
I give this Impact Wrestling 4 broken tables after Bully Ray sat on them out of 5.