Thom Hodkinson's Wrestlemania Review 2013
by, 04-08-2013 at 08:30 AM (6024 Views)
Hello all. Sorry if this turns out to be nothing short of terrible. I've never written a wrestling review so please be gentle with me...
This is my Wrestlemania review, as written from a sofa in merry ol' England, sipping tea and eating crumpets.... and by sipping, I mean gulping.... and by tea, I mean German Lager.... and by crumpets, I mean peanuts and nachos...
Let's first of all address the issue of the Tonnes of Funk Vs Rhodes Scholars No-Show. Was anyone really interested in seeing this? Really? I must admit my love for Damien Sandow & Ned Fland-I mean Cody Rhodes. They're two of the company's brightest and the future of the company. But right now, they're being under-utilised and forced to face off with the dancing fat guys. No thanks.
Totally missed it. I should know by now that WWE aren't afraid to make title changes on these things, as well as in dark matches, so more fool me. I feel quite sorry for Wade Barrett. When WWE Raw came to Birmingham last November, Barrett totally won over the crowd, despite being considered a total heel. So to see him lose the title to a pointless feud with the Miz, as well as having to feud with people like Bo Dallas is a shame. And while we're on the subject, where the hell was Antonio Cesaro? Pound-for-pound one of the best athletes the company has and he's totally ignored. Could they not give him a decent guy to take on?
Anyway, the actual show
The Shield def. Sheamus/Randy Orton/Big Show
Poor Sheamus. Always opening the show, very rarely closing it.
Interesting move to have the mismatched team walk to the ring together, suggesting unity. But sorry, I'm a total Shield guy. Rollins, Reigns & especially Ambrose are three very exciting wrestlers that not only deliver great moves and drive, but take bumps like Dolph Ziggler. I think it may be time for these three to be given some singles action rather than throwing a team together like they're in some kind of raffle to square off with the Shield. Great move from Rollins too, eating an RKO in mid-air. It's been done before but never as good as that. All-in-all not a bad match. I was fairly confused as to how Big Show would maintain his heel status siding with the faces, but that double KO punch at the end sealed it up nicely.... even though watching Show punch Sheamus was utterly embarrassing Seriously, watch it back, it just looked weird.
Mark Henry def. Ryback
We all know that the only reason for this match was to see Ryback shell-shock Mark Henry. And he did. So there.
Come on, it was an awful match. They were so slow and sluggish, it was paaaaainful. Although not as painful as lifting Mark Henry onto your shoulders looked. Did you see Ryback's face afterwards? Looked like he'd broken something!
Plus, RYBACK FINALLY GOT PYROS! AND IT WAS SHIT!
WWE TAG TEAM TITLES
Team Hell No def. Dolph Ziggler & Big E Langston
"Yes" I thought, "Brilliant! Ziggler will lose this match while also making Langston look pretty bad-ass, then cash in his MITB contract later on! Genius" Well, I was half-right. Langston was pretty bad-ass. I mean who else would break up a pin-fall with a bloody splash?! Another Hell No win, another step closer to them either having real stability or breaking up in a blaze of glory.
Fandango def. Chris Jericho
Are you kidding me?
This match could've been a great way to cement Fandango's abilities and show that he's a star for the future. Instead, it was the Chris Jericho show featuring a top-rope leg drop... Not that there's anything wrong with that. But I really wanted to see something more from the Artist formerly known as Johnny Curtis. As for the ending, well.... someone had to get the cheap win that night.
Keep an eye out for the Lionsault move in the next episode of Botchamania
Sean "Diddy" Combs performs LIVE
WWE there with their finger firmly on the pulse of Pop Culture... in the 90's...
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
Alberto Del Rio def. Jack Swagger
If you ever needed proof that WWE have immediately lost faith in Swagger, it's that his entrance wasn't even aired on Television. Which is a shame, because that little vehicle that just popped up at ringside looked quite cool. I didn't really care for this match at all, as I knew that whoever won would end up losing to Ziggler anyway... Thanks for the disappointment guys.
The match was ok, but by far the best moment was seeing Zeb Colter screaming after Swagger lost the match. I want a picture of this little red, hairy face on my wall forever
Undertaker def. CM Punk
There was no doubt in anyone's mind that this match would be the biggest and the best, and that's exactly what we got. The build-up was just perfect, CM Punk was on form and Taker took him to the limit. Great back-and-forths, amazing moments (Punk doing Old School, for one), This match was a perfect way to highlight the talents of both men without ever making one look weaker than the other. And as for that Announce Table shot that "didn't work", we got what we needed later on. And only the Deadman could get away with being GTS'd, only to immediately respond with a Tombstone Piledriver.
The highlights of this match were Punk's disrespect of Undertaker, showing why he is probably the best Heel WWE have had in... ever??
NO HOLDS BARRED MATCH
Triple H def. Brock Lesnar
REDEMPTION! That was the theme of WM XXVIIII (WM IXXX? WMXXIX?) Triple H managed to redeem himself for losing to Lesnar at Summerslam, while both Trips & Brock redeemed themselves for having a terrible match at Summerslam in the first place. But, like many have noted, this just seemed like a re-run of Lesnar's Extreme Rules match with Jaaaaaaaaahn SeeeeeeNaaaaaaar last year. And while it was a No Holds Barred match, why did it take so long for Heyman or Shawn Michaels to get involved in the first place?
Am I the only one who's surprised that they're letting HHH's career continue? I know there's a thing now of having the old stars come back for a limit of 3 matches in a year, and that's just lovely. But for the man who'll soon be running the company, wouldn't it make sense for his wrestling career to finally come to an end?
Before we get to the main event, here's a little tribute to those who didn't even get to be at Wrestlemania
- United States Champion, Antonio Cesaro
- Brodus Clay
- Cody Rhodes
- Damien Sandow
- The Prime Time Players
- David Otunga
- The Great Khali
- The Usos
- Kofi Kingston
- Justin Gabriel
- Mason Ryan (Honestly, is he dead or something?)
- Michael McGillicutty
- Primo & Epico
- Rey Mysterio
- Sin Cara
- Santino Marella
- Every single WWE Diva except AJ Lee
- And, of course, Zack Ryder (Boo Hoo Hoo)
RIGHT, LET'S DO THIS THING
JOHN CENA DEF. THE ROCK
WE SAW THIS COMING! An almost carbon-copy of last year, only this time the title was on the line and Cena actually got the win. John Cena, like Triple H & Undertaker, got his redemption. But damn it, we wanted something more. You can't just give the fans almost the exact same match as last year. That's how you lose buy-rates, audience figures and merch sales. I know off the back of this, many fans are now wondering whether or not to even bother with WM XXX.
And having the "I Respect You Now, Bro" moment at the end? Come on, guys. You can do waaaaay better than this.
So let's call it now, WM XXX, Rock Vs Cena III, the last one, the last chance. And I can honestly see it being something insane like Best of 3 falls or, heaven forbid, Iron Man match. A true test to find which of the two is truly the best. Which is annoying as the WWE's greatest asset is CM Punk and, once again at Wrestlemania, he won't get to close the show.
All-in-all, an OK event. A few positives, but also, a lot of negatives. As for the future, I am hoping for a major mix-up come next year. Because, for once, I am going to be one of the thousands in attendance at the Superdome. My first Wrestlemania. Maybe my last Wrestlemania. We'll soon see. All I know is, I'm going to want the most amazing WM in WM history. And what self-respecting wrestling fan wouldn't?
WINNERS AND LOSERS
Winner: Paul Heyman
Easily the biggest winner of the night, despite having both his guys lose to the veterans. Paul's a winner just having 2 guys in the first place. Imagine having a Brock Lesnar/CM Punk tag team? It would blow minds!
Paul's a winner too purely for being Paul Heyman. He is without doubt the smartest man in the business. He can work a crowd like no other, and hold an urn like a genius. His reactions and mere presence made this Wrestlemania better
Loser: The Rock & John Cena
Off the back of that main event, I can see both of these guys getting slated for their mirror-match performances. There was nothing new, nothing fresh, nothing that we already hadn't seen.
Winner: The Shield
Showing why NXT has got to be one of the most exciting shows in wrestling today, these "rookies" have really astounded me. From their shock intro at Survivor Series to right now, they are one of the best teams I have ever seen. And like I said, They can take it and dish it out in equal measure. They're so good, they make their opponents look good in the process. That's gold, pure gold.
Loser: Snooki, Sean Combs & Donald Trump
The "celebrities" at this year's WM stank. Snooki? Really? I know it's in New Jersey and all, but if she's representing NJ, they're all doomed.
P.Diddy? You think anyone was entertained by him at all? Terrible.
And what about that response for Donald Trump? I know that Celebs in the Hall of Fame get a bad crowd anyway, but having the Trump in there is laughable. The crowd hated him, much like the other 7 Billion people on this big blue marble
Winner: The Undertaker
After his Hell in a Cell match last year, Taker looked battered. Like full-on "I don't think my heart is working" battered. In fact, he's looked pretty beaten-up since WM25. But last night, he showed the World that he's still got it by going toe-to-toe with the energetic CM Punk and looking pretty good after the match too. It's been a while since I last saw Undertaker leave a match without assistance, so I'm very happy to see the fight in the old dog
Loser: Dolph Ziggler fans
Hi, I'm Thom & I'm a Dolph Ziggler fan.
Last night was meant to be THE night. HIS night. And it... totally wasn't. Every single Ziggles fan found themselves disappointed when the bleached-one failed to pounce on the WHC Alberto Del Rio and cash in his contract. It's all that any DZ fan has been waiting for since July. But would it make more sense to wait until Extreme Rules, where perhaps a very punishing stipulation could really wear-down whoever picks up the title in May? Only time will tell
Well, there we are then. If you liked this rather lengthy blog, then "You're Welcome" (Sandow ref). I may just do this for Extreme Rules, if it's worth it. If not, thanks for reading anyway.