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Michael Burnside

What if there was a wrestling show in the afterlife?

Rating: 7 votes, 3.71 average.
Alternative Universe 8

Over the years many of our childhood favourites and heroes have sadly passed away. Most of them tragically far, far too young when they head for the squared circle in the sky.
As a tribute to the wrestlers that have left us, I’ve decided to try and book a fantasy card made up of those guys.

Slam in the Clouds

We’re at an unnamed arena, somewhere in another place, and the crowd is hyped. Fireworks and explosions go off and AC/DC’s ‘Back in Black’ is played full blast out the speakers.
At ringside we have our two commentators for the night, Gorilla Monson and Lord Alfred Hayes. They welcome us to a great evening. Lord Alfred says he’s especially looking forward to seeing his fellow country man, The British Bulldog in action tonight. Gorilla cuts him and says sorry, but Jack Tunney is coming down to the ring to make an announcement.
Jack takes the mic and thanks us all for turning up. He says we are going to open up this great show with a special 10 tonne Battle Royal with 10 of the biggest, baddest men that have ever wrestled. They’ve had the ring specially reinforced by the almighty himself to hold these mammoth men.
He hands the mic to WWWF ring announcer Jack E. Lee who announces the ten men

Match 1: 10 tonne Battle Royal
Andre the Giant, Earthquake, Big John Studd, Giant Gonzalez, Dino Bravo, Big Dick Dudley, Big Daddy, Giant Haystacks, Crush, Test.

A lot of heavies in this one including two guys from England, Big Daddy (the UK’s super face) and Giant Haystacks (The UK’s super heel). These two go straight for each other with Big Daddy hitting Giant Haystacks with his belly body check. Haystack is dazed allowing Big Daddy to grab Haystacks by the legs and lift him over the top rope. Haystacks is out. The crowd chant ‘Easy, Easy’ along with Big Daddy who mocks Haystacks lying on the outside. However he doesn’t see Crush sneak up behind him and eliminate him just as easily. He then turns and battles Test.
Andre and John Studd battle each other, neither forgetting their long time fued. Earthquake and Dino on the otherhand, being long time friends work together and after Giant Gonzalez throws out Big Dick Dudley, they double team the Argentine giant. After they bring him down to the ground they turn their attention to Crush and Test battling away. Together they eliminate both of them before turning round and throwing Gonzalez as well. Just at the same time, Andre manages to throw out Big John Studd but then he turns and sees he has 2 opponents left. Both of whom are working together. Andre fights bravely but soon he is over powered and lying on the mat. Earthquake begins his vertical earthquake splash as Bravo watches on in glee. However Andre rolls out of the way and ‘Quake lands square on his ass. Bravo is gobsmacked, looks at Andre and charges at him. A foolish mistake as Andre moves and Bravo’s momentum carries him over the top. Earthquake manages to get to his feet, still feeling the pain from the missed splash, but is met with a huge clothesline from Andre which sends him over the top.

Winner Andre the Giant

Match 2: Tag Team Championship
The British Bulldog & Owen Hart (C) V Yokozuna & Umaga

Real life cousins Yokozuna and Umaga come down to the ring first. Gorilla manages to get across that although Yokozuna is Japanese (in kayfabe that is), he is also part Samoan and is teaming up with his trusted family member. Awkward but Gorilla covers it all adequately.

Next comes down the team of Owen and Davey and Lord Alfred goes almost as mad as the crowd. Gorilla asks Alfred if he is going to be impartial.
Yoko and Umaga work as the heels and after a few minutes of Owen and Davey working over Umaga, he makes the tag to Yokozuna who dominates Owen and places him in the ‘face in peril’ role. Several times he makes the close tag but the heels cut him down. Each time Gorilla asks Alfred to sit down and to remember to be impartial.
Eventually Owen makes the tag to the Bulldog, the crowd goes nuts and Gorilla gets deafened by the cheer from Alfred. A fury of punches to Umaga, followed by a powerslam. He goes for the pin but Yoko breaks it up. Owen jumps in and drop kicks Yoko but he’s still standing. Bulldog hits him with a running shoulder charge but yet he’s still on his feet. He goes for a second but yet Yoko is still up on his feet. He goes for a third but Umaga has recovered and nails him with a samoan spike to the throat, knocking him out. Before Owen can react, Yoko grabs him and holds him for Umaga to deliver a second spike. However, Owen ducks and Yokozuna gets the spike! Shocked at hitting his own cousin, Umaga is unable to prepare for Owen, who school boy pins him for and gets the three count!
Gorilla mentions that he wasn’t sure if Owen was the legal man or not, but Lord Alfred doesn’t care too much as he is cheering as loud as the crowd.

Winners and still tag team champions
The British Bulldog & Owen Hart

Match 3 Hardcore Championship
Mike Awesome (C) V Big Boss Man V Bam Bam Bigelow w/Luna Vachone

On commentary, Gorilla tells us to expect a violent, no holds barred, falls count anywhere battle. Lord Alfred brings up that Awesome and Bigelow are both former ECW heavyweight champs with Awesome being a former WWF hardcore champ and Bigelow a WCW hardcore champ to boot. Gorilla also adds that The Boss Man is also a former multi time WWF hardcore champ and tag team champion.
The match starts and Boss man keeps a hold of his night stick and uses it to crack Awesome over the head. Bigelow jumps in, the night stick drops and both men end up outside the ring and then brawling through the crowd. The get back near the ring were Luna starts getting involved, Boss man slaps her and then handcuffs her to the ring. This enrages Bigelow who throws the Boss man into the ring post and then places him across the announce table. Gorilla and Lord Alfred stand well back as Bigelow returns to the ring and begins to climb the turnbuckle.
Everybody’s on their feet. They can’t believe Bigelow is going for the flying head butt from the top rope. But Awesome is up and before Bigelow can jump, he gets hit across the back with the nightstick which Awesome has retrieved. Bigelow falls to the outside as Awesome now begins the climb to the top rope. He’s going for the Awesome Splash! He jumps!

But the Boss Man rolls out of the way and Awesome crashes through the table.
“Holy Shit!”
“Holy Shit!”
“Holy Shit!”
Boss Man goes for the cover and gets the 1, 2, 3.

Winner and New Hardcore Champion
Big Boss Man

Boss Man climbs into the ring and holds the hardcore title aloft, mocking Luna who is still handcuffed to the ring. He doesn’t see Crash Holly running down the aisle with a STOP sign. He cracks the Boss Man across the back and rolls him over and goes for the cover.


Winner and New Hardcore Champion
Crash Holly

Crash takes the title from the Boss Man and legs it all the way to the back before anyone has any idea what has happened.

While the ring staff clear the wreckage from the ring, Jack Tunney appears at the top of the ramp. He says he hopes we’re enjoying the show so far. As a mid show treat, he’s called in a few guys to play a song or two before we start again with the action.
Cozy Powell comes behind the curtain and takes a seat behind the drum kit. He blasts out a quick drum solo before Jon Lord takes the keyboards. Cliff Burton is next on bass with Randy Rhoads on guitar. The band is almost ready to play, just waiting for their singer…

Ronnie James Dio!!!
They burst into Rainbow’s ‘Long Live Rock ‘n’ Roll’ and then straight into Dio’s own ‘Stand up and Shout.’
They’re about to leave when the crowd chant ‘One more tune! One more tune!’ They then return to their instruments and play ‘We Rock’ and the crowd goes crazy!

Jack Tunney returns to the ramp and thanks the band. He then tells us the action is about to begin.

Match 4 Intercontential Championship
Mr Perfect (C) w/ the Coach V ‘Flyin’ Brian Pillman

Perfect along with the ‘Coach’ comes down to the ring, playing his arrogant heel persona. Pillman, is the face, in top condition (i.e. before his car accident in 96 wrecking his ankle). The two of them go at it for near 30 minutes, entertaining the crowd with every move, and close fall. Pillman hits Perfect with an array of drop kicks including one from the top rope with Perfect bouncing across the ring everytime. However, Pillman makes a foolish mistake. He takes his eyes of Perfect and turns his attention to the Coach, whose constant whistle blowing and cheap shots have annoyed him during the match. He drags his into the ring and hits his with a scoop powerslam. Unfortunatly when he turns around, he gets hit with the Perfect-plex and is pinned for 3.

Winner and still Intercontential Champion Mr Perfect

Match 5 World Heavyweight Title
‘Macho Man’ Randy Savage (C) w/Elizabeth V Eddie Guerreo

Eddie’s music hits and he comes out driving his Lowrider. Next we hear ‘Pomp and Circumstance’ playing over the speakers and out comes heavyweight champ Randy Savage with Elizabeth following behind. Eddie makes a few cheeky smiles and winks at Elizabeth which infuriates Savage. The match starts and Savage is quick with the offence against Eddie. During the match, when things seem to be going well for Savage, Eddie rolls out of the ring near Elizabeth. Savage charges but a quick movement from Eddie causes a slight collision with Miss Elizabeth. Randy instantly takes his attention of Eddie to check on her but this proves to be a big mistake. Eddie uses this opportunity to take advantage and attacks savage from behind. He throws him into the ring and starts to dominate the match.
Eventually Eddie hits his frog splash and goes for the cover.


Three… no wait. Eddie has gotten up just before the ref hit the three. Why? Miss Elizabeth has climbed on the apron and is making eyes for Eddie. Eddie has a big smile on his face as he strolls over towards Elizabeth. He sees Elizabeth is checking him out but what he doesn’t see is Savage is slowly getting back to his feet. Savage grabs Eddie by the arm and nails him with one hell of a short clothesline. Eddie hits the mat hard and Savage races for the corner.

He climbs to the top rope.

He raises his arms

He jumps.

He connects with the elbow drop




Winner and still Heavyweight Champion ‘Macho Man’ Randy Savage
The shows ends with Randy Savage standing in the middle of the ring, Elizabeth raised on Randy’s shoulder and the heavyweight title over hers. Eddie staggers to the back, not sure how he let it all slip through his fingers.

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  1. Michael Burnside's Avatar
    First of, apologies for jumping the numbering system. My last column was number 6. The reason this one is number 8 is that I said number 7 would be 'What if Steve Austin's career was ended at Summerslam 97?'. That one will be coming soon, I just didnbt want to tell you guys fibs. :P
    Also thanks for the feedback (both positive and negative) from the blogs. And finally, thanks to those who checked out my novella from amazon at Halloween. I'm busy with my third and hopefully will be out later in the year!
  2. Lupy1234's Avatar
    The encore with RJD and crew after the show would be "Holy Diver." This was awesome and made me smile.
  3. Ozzy Mandias's Avatar
    You don't mean Jonathon Coachman do you? Because he's not dead so I'm guessing not... on a side note, his Wikipedia page is funny:

    It should be noted that although he labels himself as ""The Coach"", he has never coached any sport at any level.

  4. Michael Burnside's Avatar
    Nope, not Jonathon Coachman. This man here.
    He was in Perfect's corner at Summerslam 91 when he fought against Bret Hart for the IC title.
  5. ToiletBowl's Avatar
    Wait no Bruiser Brody or Von Erichs?


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