The ultimate dude's tribute to awful feuds
by, 04-25-2012 at 06:34 PM (8449 Views)
Hello everybody, Hi doctor Nick.
We're not quite on those terms yet, and likely never will be, but this is the Ultimate Dude and I'm here to trample you with raging elephants, cause yknow, Ultimate Warrior did it.
Seriously though, if you know me all you know is that I'm super hardcore, anti establishment, I dont play by anybody elses rules, not even my own, and my breed of satire is all I really have. Well up yours assholes, I'm gonna prove you wrong and write an awesome as Optimus Prime blog.
Dawn Marie v Torrie Wilson
It's hard to pick much wrong with this. We were always guaranteed alot of in ring vag in the face action with these two stunners but the feud itself was a massive dud, which is why it's here. Sporadically managing teams against each other in random occurances that involved a lot of clothes being ripped off in a horny lesbian porn kind of way
which eventually gave way to "real life" heat between the two babes as that fucking parasite of professional wrestling, Al Fucking Wilson became the centrepoint of the feud. Basically, Dawn was jealous because Torrie was more popular, Al visited his daughter one Smackdown and ended up in bed with Dawn Marie (which would never happen in real life...right?) and eventually Dawn married Al, causing Al to have a heart attack after shagging her brains out (in make believe land). So Dawn had this lesbian attraction to Torrie (twas the style at the time), and became her stepmom. And they say stories aren't layered enough, in wrestling pffft. Sounds awesome on paper, but it was fucking awful. People hate time wasting in wrestling, and this is a prime example.
Michael Cole v Jerry Lawler
Ugh, give me peace. This is far too recent for me to write about with any kind of nostalgic fondness, I still wake up screaming every night. I actually was kinda into the feud for a while, I loved Cole's bell-end way of character for a while and I was actually rooting for him in his feud, cause Jerry Lawler's mother deserved to die for giving birth to him (only in storyline purposes). What happened was a way too long and drawn out feud for anybodys liking. The WM should have been a oneoff with King getting retribution, but they had two more ppv encounters that were awful. There was a payoff, but maaaaan I just didn't care when it happened. There is one theory nout this. Lawler had earned a Wrestlemania moment. But what nobody ever seems to mention is that Michael Cole and THE John Cena are actually BFF's, I shit you not. For all you conspiracy throry lunies (and I love you all) I am slightly miffed that for all your Michael Cole bashing AND your Cena bashing you don't just realise it's all a Cena thing.
Kane v Triple H
Ridiculously over face Kane. Check. Ridiculously over heel Triple H. Check. World Heavyweight Championship and Intercontinental title being unified as a basis for the feud. Check. Should be a pretty standard feud. No way this could be messed up right? right???? For some reason though Kane was actually just a regular fucking guy at one point in his life going out on a date with a regular girl (when he wasnt in a mental hospital and hiding his hideously deformed baldness and making fire appear everywhere) when lo and behold there was a car crash he was involved in and the girl (Katie Vick) died. I think thats it, frankly though I dont care if Im wrong cause I'm never going to watch it again. Way to ruin 5 years of character development. The next week, Trips alleged Kane got the horn for the dead girl and this became a necrophilia angle. And Triple H humped a mannequin in a Kane mask just for good measure. Because title unification wasnt enough to sell a match apparently. Christ, one of the biggest black marks in history. Still pretty sexy though. All for Silas!
Big Show v Big Boss Man
If you didn't watch wwe in 1999, you missed the feud that probably threw out all the credibility built by the company over the preceeding couple of years. Big Show was THE giant in the days and had already turned face for the third time in 8 months as a result of the death of his father. Show unexpectedly won the WWF title in the main event of Survivor Series but collided with one of my all time favourites at the time Big Boss Man to set up a title match at the next PPV Armageddon. The seeds were planted by Boss Man's disrespect for the death of Shows father, and reached an all time low in the event I described as ruining wwe for a big wave of casual fan's. I don't know how to describe this, It's better if you see it.
John Cena v Kevin Federline
Truth be told I didn't really pay any attention to wwe during this time and who could blame me. In essence only a backing dancer for Britney Spears front and centre in a feud with the biggest star in wwe. Give me peace. My eye's are dirty.
HORNSWOGGLE v CHAVO GUERRERO
The feud that made 10 million smarks contemplate what they were doing with their lives. Everyone felt bad for Chavo, I for one liked him as a character and performer in his good wwe years, until this latest assassination. I think this was in 2008, which as well as 2009 sucked major balls and this was a big reason why (whatever year it was in, don't judge my innacuracy, I'm tired..no you shut up). Chavo was once and for all completely fucked. Hornswoggle dominated the feud in every way. When you've sat through the Attitude era you ofteh kind of don't believe that your still watching what is technically the same program. This had that feeling throughout. Ugh.
those last 2 feuds had no particular peak in my opinion, as I said I didn't really pay attention to Cena-KFed (douche v douche) and Swoggle Chavo pretty much just blended into one.
Do you consider this a good list? Did I miss any glaring omissions? Please feel free to look back over your nightmares and enlighten all our minds. Should I have included Kane v Gene Snitsky? Kane v Edge (The Paul Bearer kidnapping frenzy)? Kane v Big Show? Kane v Great Khali? Kane v Rey Mysterio? Kane v Kane?
I will be back with other topics when I'm not doing my YES! YES! YES! stick, because I've got alot of free time and somebodys gotta listen to me and my neverending story of wrestling crap. So long, farewell, my loyal locusts.