Yes! Yes! Yes! Catching up with Old stars
by, 04-21-2012 at 10:06 AM (5062 Views)
I am sorry for the delay if anyone was looking particularly forward to another of my blogs, the last couple of weeks have been fucking insane and I'm only on the comp for the first time in ages, madness. I got into a strange start here, so I need to cover last weeks' Smackdown, this weeks Smackdown and the Raw from this week, it might be a long one but I want to be dedicated to covering everything with my wierd analogies, and don't want to mess it up after only 2 weeks. So that's 3 shows I gotta cover, starting with stuff from last week's SD. In future I'm gonna wait until sat morning to do this so it'll be neat and all that jazz, and ppv review's, woohoo.
YES! YES! YES! It seems the powers that be have finally got their act together after all of these years and remembered that they actually are an ENTERTAINMENT company. People find it so easy to rag on wwe these days because frankly they are right to do so, it has been a shadow of it's former self in the last 5 or so years, with the odd great moment to make people smile. Some people take wwe being "bad" to worrying levels where they can't relax about it all because Drew McIntyre main eventing a future WrestleMania looks a distant fantasy, but that's okay, all you basket cases are welcome to read the latest edition of YES! YES! YES! Yeah that's right, I'm completely ripping off Daniel Bryan, big whoop wanna fight about it? #Heel
But yes, WWE is "good" again, hooray for everything. Cause those assholes put on a live show last Tuesday for Smackdown my Smackdown thoughts are very late and old news but if I didn't review it like I was supposed to it would be sacreligious, or something like that.
THE OLD MAN, THE YOUNG LADY, THE GHANIAN/JAMAICAN MAN and THE MASTER OF ALL HE SURVEYS
The theme of my blog should leave you with no doubt that my appreciation of Daniel Bryan is in the upward trajectory, and no no not in a gay way I swear, even though my man crush on him has deepened to worrying levels (upward trajectory, geddit?). Thankfully once I see the stupendous AJ I get a proper upward trajectory moment and all is as it really seems. But anyway, Daniel Bryan is the man every guy who's skinny, a skinny nerd, a skinny fat ass or a vegan wants to be. He is so unbelievably sure of his own greatness that it really is a joy to behold. Dumping AJ, then being all smuggy about it that it makes her into his sex slave/actual slave is the kind of religion all of us men should get behind. He even made Roddy Piper look like a total ass to me when he was doing his whole concerned grandad thing for AJ's wellbeing while not realising that he was standing in the ring with GOD himself. And he made Kofi Kingston look a right chump on Raw because he was closing in on his fly girl, by totally like totally chatting her up. Then he beat him in a match. Easy, and the girl gets more madly in love with him. And I quote, MADLY. AJ totally loses her shit on this week's SD and wails all over Natalya in the most melodramatic way possible. And the upward trajectory reappears.
UH-OH, KANE'S ACTING AGAIN
After my last blog I remarked that the kane - Orton feud had been laid to rest and that people could calm down about it. Thankfully though, I retained my never ending invincible credibility cloak of depressing awesomeness by following with the word "probably"(Wrasslin' Nerd 4Eva PLAYAs). Kane is now back after Randy Orton, and also his dad Cowboy Bob, which brings this saga THANKFULLY into b movie territory. Glenn Jacob's has become a fine actor throughout his wwe career, honing his craft steadily from debut to the point that his talking skills have become some seriously good wrestling warranting of a high profile situation. I have no doubt that when Glenn Jacob's eventually retires from the squared circle he'll be the go to bad guy for "popular" movies headlined by David Arquette. Needless to say, I love this feud because this is terrible in a good way, like that time Sting and Bulldog were nearly blown up by a bomb on a boat planted by Vader and Sid Vicious. This is why he's with Kane, he's in awe of his acting abilities and wants to learn from the cringe master.
THE MILLION DOLLAR INSULT
The million dollar insult is the blatant assassination of everything I held true and dear about the first heel I ever loved, The Million Dollar Man. He should be laughing heartily about his comparitive wealth to others on every single appearance he makes, but sadly he has become the prototype kind of legend, Smile and wave and smile again.
GUESS WHAT PUNK, I KNOW THAT YOU LIKE RANCID (OH NO HE DIDN'T)
The Punk v Jericho feud has been thoroughly entertaining no thanks in small part to Chris Jericho's asshole complex. He would stoop to any level, even following you to a foreign country so he can stalk you with a videorecorder so he can then appear on a big screen and make you look like an asshole for minding your own business and not being more like him. The latest promo came immediately after the best match I have ever seen Mark Henry compete in, as he and Punk just seem to dovetail perfectly and would be a great proper feud in the future. The Chicago streetfight is gonna be awesome.
BROCK LESNAR, THE CURRENT BEST THING IN WRESTLING
I'm a major Brock Lesnar fan. There has never been a secret that he's a withdrawn dickhole in actual reality but I bought into his character the first moment he appeared on tv and decimated Spike Dudley with a triple powerbomb, for the whole 2 years he ran things on Smackdown. Now he's back, and it has actually made WWE significantly more awesome than it has been in years. He didn't do much on Raw this week, except be involved in the most epic promo vid imaginable that has become an obsession of mine. Brock Lesnar is fucking real and it's great to have him on board and relive screaming 2003 era Michael Cole show actual enthusiasm.
THE PEOPLES CHUMP
My made up spidey sense is tingling and please god mcgillicuddy I think my vision of Cena being "injured" after Extreme Rules is a very likely one, and we should have a few months of less blandery and stupid faces at stupid times. I don't hate John Cena, I don't know the man believe it or not, but the last few weeks have been BY FARRRRRRRR the most entertaining involving him in years, and that is because he has been annihilated several weeks in a row. If he pisses himself at Extreme Rules he'll be up there with Vince McMahon in the commitment to the story stakes.
I love Lord Tensai, even if I'm not buying into the whole "well he went to Japan so that means he's REALLY good now" argument. I love him because he's damn fucking Japanese in a super shredder geddup (Hey Kevin Nash how you doing), and I was completely won over by the whole "I know what you fear" promo. Sakamoto by the way, is incredible. I am completely amazed by the fact he interfered in the match with Cena in an effective manner and didn't get a whuppin cause he's just a minor character. This people power era is awesome (so far).
Naomi and Cameron with a dualing ass grind by the ropes, another reason why Funkasaurus is amazing.
Does anyone else cry with happiness every few minutes when KING BOOKAAAAAAA goes "UUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHH" for ages when anything is happening. It's glorious.
Yes, William Regal was on the television.
The Mick Foley-Dean Ambrose feud is apparently over because Ambrose said something or other about Mick's kids on twitter. Sure it is.
Damien Sandow is still enlightening all our lives from a dark room with tales of splendour and such.
Ryback continues to destroy jobbers much to the delight of wwe after thought's completely aware they are woohoo on camera.
Titus O'Neil debuts as the new improved Ezekiel Jackson assisted by Cryme Tyme charisma ability with his tag partner the returning black Vanilla Ice (if you don't get this, he looks remarkably like Cena)
Aksana brings in "rugby superstar lol" Antonio Cesaro, and looks hotter than ever because she is clearly moving closer to bad gurrrrl territory. Remember when this happened to Stephanie McMahon, she was always cute and pretty etc. but once she went bad she was fucking incredible.
These new debuts are coming thick and fast and it's all thanks to Senior Vice President of Talent Relations and General Manager of Raw and Smackdown John Laurenitis, who is making my year by replacing Teddy Long's tag team match segments by making him be British and get used to being a saaaaaaad panda.
WWE is mad racist, it's no secret. It's a brilliant business model that has served them well. From Hunico and Camacho being all gangsta gangsta to that English looking mini and English phone box they insist on using every time they visit England. I wouldn't change a thing, cause wrestling is famed for being well behind the times.
You will have noticed I don't have much time for TNA. That's right, for as lame as wwe can be I've been conditioned to be loyal to them over time. And TNA just really sucks, when you have Eric "I love myself" Bischoff and Hulk "destroying my childhood memories" Hogan being all "controversial" all the time it reminds me of why I thought wcw was so very very very lame.
Speaking of lame, I hope this hasn't been too lame this week. It feels lame to me anyway cause it's been such a clusterfuck, but next week we'll have some proper structure in place, causing I'm sick of being just a big lame. I pinky swear.
Dolph Ziggler should do promo vignettes of how amazing he is in a Mr. Perfect kinda way. Easy money to me would be a play on the DOLPH aspect of his name and show him training DOLPHin's to breathe fire on command. This would set up the feud with Kane down the line, cause yknow, fire's his thing.
There will be no Mario Balotelli corner this week, cause he's keeping his head down or something. Oh Mario, we all miss you. Score a bicycle kick or something this weekend and be all aggro in the celebration for us please.
THE ULTIMATE CORNER
This week's vid is proper wwe old school, with a collection of promo's from glorious 1990, where people still thought they were in the 80's. Look at all the colours.