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TNA iMPACT - 8 March 2012

Rating: 2 votes, 5.00 average.
TNA 8 March 2012

Show opens with a recap of Eric Bischoff and Ric Flair warning Garrett Bischoff not to show up next week (happened last week). Cut to a shot of Garrett driving up to the arena. How many people are surprised at this? How many people are tired of this storyline? (Raises hand.)

Show main arena with Eric, Ric and Gunner entering the ring to Flair’s music. Eric addresses the audience and says that he asked Sting to let Gunner and a partner of his choosing face Garrett and a partner of HIS choosing later on that night, to bring an end to this. It’s not going to bring an end to this as long as TNA keeps forcing this down our throats. PLEASE.

Kurt Angle’s music hits, and he comes out as the partner of Gunner. Eric almost creams his pants with excitation. Crowd starts chanting “Hardy” … and I agree with them that Hardy will probably be Garrett’s partner.
Cut to Sting being crazy talking to a mirror. Enter Eric Young who asks Sting’s blessing for something with ODB. Sting says that she wants the tag team titles, but Eric says that she doesn’t have a partner. Sting says that Eric will be her partner, then smears paint on Eric and send him off. Sting goes back talking to the mirror (pretending it is Bobby Roode) into the commercial.

Returning from the commercial, EY and ODB enter the ring followed by Madison Rayne and Gail Kim in semi-matching red outfits. Both look pretty hot, and if I hadn’t been watching Internet porn an hour ago my pants would be off.

Match: Madison Rayne/Gail Kim v ODB/Eric Young
Who I want to win: ODB/Young
Who I think will win: Rayne/Kim

This is actually kind of a difficult decision for me. On the one hand, I think it’d be humorous to see Eric as one half of the Women’s Tag Team Champions. They haven’t really been doing anything with the titles lately anyhow. It would also give some heat to the championship match coming up between Rayne and Kim, with each blaming the other for losing the tag titles. (If that happens, I’m predicting that it will be Rayne who gets pinned.)

On the other hand, I’m not sure where they would go with EY and ODB as women’s champions. Unless creative has something awesome planned, I think the storyline there could flounder. Rayne and Kim as tag team champions feuding over the women’s belt would make for some nice moments though. So again, I’m not sure which way they’ll go.
Match starts with Eric trying to hook up with the referee. (Not “hook up” as in dinner and drinks but “hook up” as in wrestling.) Finally he turns his attention to Kim who taunts him and wants him to hit her. Being a gentleman, EY tags in ODB, who dominates Kim for a few minutes. Kim smashes ODB into the corner and tags in Rayne. As EY keeps the ref’s attention, Rayne and Kim double-team ODB for a bit.

ODB finally makes it to the corner to tag EY in, who immediately goes after the ref again. He sets Kim up on the corner turnbuckle, then dodges a rush by Rayne. He gets Rayne up over his shoulders and then Kim on top of her (not well sold, it looked like she lay down on Rayne by herself), then goes into an airplane spin. He drops them both to the mat and staggers around, dizzy himself from the spin, then goes for a pin on Kim but is interrupted by Rayne.

Kim and Rayne go to double-team EY but are stopped by ODB who clotheslines them both and pulls Rayne out of the ring. ODB goes to throw Rayne into the ring steps but it is reversed by Rayne. In the ring, Kim is slapping EY and jeering at him. Outside the ring, Rayne grabs a title belt while in the ring, Eric takes off his pants (don’t worry, he has trunks on underneath!) He locks up with Kim, then is hit from behind with the belt by Rayne. When he is hit from behind, however, he falls directly on top of Kim in a … shall we say, somewhat suggestive pose rather similar to some I’d seen about an hour so ago watching porn on the Internet.

ODB grabs Rayne’s feet from behind to keep her from interfering while Kim writes in orgasmic delight … er, I mean, flails around trying to throw EY off … while the ref finally notices what’s going on and counts the three for NEW knockout’s tag team champions: EY and ODB! EY doesn’t appear to be in much of a hurry to get off of Kim (hell, I know I wouldn’t be) until the ref rolls him off of her.

Winner: ODB/EY (my record: 0/1)

So, I was wrong about just about everything. It was an entertaining if not particularly “good” (in the wrestling purist sense) match. I am looking forward to where they’re going to take this. I really hope where they take this doesn’t suck.

On the replay of the ending, I could almost swear I saw EY grinding his crotch into Kim while he has her pinned. I hope she told Robert Irvine that this was going to happen!!

Post-match, EY drops to one knee, pulls out a ring, and … we go to commercial.

After the commercial, EY and ODB are in the same position but EY has somehow grown a microphone in his hand. He says that they have a great deal of momentum, are champs, are in love, and … proposes in the middle of the squared circle. ODB turns for a moment, then turns back and drops to one knee then also proposes. EY screams “YES” … and the two end up rolling on the mat in an embrace.

Cut to entrance, where someone called Joseph Park says to the gate guard that he is there to see the Impact officials. (Seriously, at first glance, this guy looks a lot like Penn from that magician duo Penn and Teller.) The announcers wonder who he is. Cut to Bully Ray who says that Storm isn’t making it to Lockdown because of him. He then says that Sting “will do the right thing tonight.”

Cut to Austin Aries. He says that Sting made a title match tonight between Aries and Zima Ion. Aries asks if he really wants to do it tonight instead of at the PPV, give it away on free TV. He says that this is another of Sting’s bad business decisions, that he will beat Ion tonight and then the money match will be off for the PPV, and Aries won’t be wrestling at the PPV. He then says that tonight he’ll show Sting what “Showtime!” is all about, then walks off into the commercial.

Match: Austin Aries v Zema Ion
Who I want to win: Aries
Who I think will win: Ion

This is another tough one. Honestly, either one of them could come out on top. I want Aries to win because I like him and his character better than Ion, but having Ion win tonight could set up a rematch between the two at the PPV. I have a hunch that's the way they're going. That would make it really interesting, as the two haven’t faced each other much one-on-one lately. Aries is a better cheater, though, so he might win.

The two come out, Ion with his hairspray and Aries with his cape. They lock up and Aries get the better of Ion at first, then Ion takes control. It goes back and forth for a while, both missing big aerial moves. Ion is knocked to the mat near his corner, and takes the chance to slip his can of hair spray into his trunks. (Really? Does the ref think Ion gets that big of a hard-on from wrestling Aries? I mean, Aries is a good-looking guy and all, and Ion does seem to be a bit sexually effeminate … so yeah, I guess, maybe.)

The ref gets knocked down after a tussle in the corner, Ion pulls out the hairspray and goes to spray Aries. Aries ducks out of the way, kicks Ion and grabs the hairspray and sprays Ion in the face. The recovering ref sees this and calls for the bell, giving Ion the win by DQ.

Winner: Zema Ion (my record: 1/1)

Not exactly how I expected Ion to win, and he doesn’t come away with the belt.

Cut to Velvet Sky being approached by Park who asks to speak to her privately. He reveals that he is the brother of Abyss, and asks if Sky knows anything about where Abyss has gotten to. Sky denies any knowledge and we go to commercial.

Return to Bully Ray in the ring showing off his calves again. He says that he took out James Storm and scrambled Storm’s redneck brains. (His words, not mine.) Ray says the he deserves to be the number one contender and asks Sting to come out and make it official. Sting does come out, acting all crazy and playing up the Insane Icon gimmick.

The two argue back and forth for a bit, Ray insisting that he wants Bobby Rude, then Sting agrees that Ray can have Rude. As Sting walks out, he says that Ray can have Rude and it’ll be right after (yet another!) commercial, which we are then treated to.

After the commercial, Rude argues backstage with Sting saying that he’s not ready, but Sting insists that the match go forward.

Match: Bully Ray v Bobby Roode
Who I want to win: Roode
Who I think will win: Roode

It would completely screw up the main event at the PPV if Roode loses the belt before then. If Ray does win, the only way that it could be salvaged would be to turn it into a three-way with Roode, Storm and Ray (which I’m not ruling out). However, I don’t think that’s what’s going to happen. A lot of fans want to see Roode and Storm go at it one on one again. (And by “a lot” I mean “me.”) On the other hand, it’s unclear whether this is a title match or not.

Roode attempts to talk Ray out of the match, but Ray tells him to take off his belt and get ready to fight. A “kick his ass” chant comes up from the crowd, and I don’t think they’re talking to Roode. The two lock up, and it goes back and forth for a bit. Roode keeps trying to beg off and get Ray to stop. The announcers keep talking about how Garrett will have a hard time finding a partner. (Even in kayfabe, guys, come on; Hardy wants Angle, he’ll jump at the opportunity.)

The match keeps going back and forth, with a few near-falls. The two start trading blows and Ray takes over on Roode for a bit. Roode comes back and spears Ray to the mat for a two-count. Roode slips out and grabs Ray’s chain, but is floored by Ray before he can use it and drops it. Ray picks up the chain and stalks Roode, ignoring the referee, but is interrupted by James Storm coming in and chasing him out of the ring. Ray backs up the ramp as Storm delivers a Last Call to Roode, who is just regaining his feet. Storm asks for the title belt and kisses it before draping it over Roode’s prone body.

The match-ending bell was never rung and a winner was never announced, so I’m guessing it was a No Contest. I’m not going to include those in my records of matches I called correctly or incorrectly, just because … well, because I don’t want to.

Winner: No Contest (my record: 1/1)

Cut to Garrett talking about Gunner and Angle. He says that he’s asked someone to be his partner and no he won’t say who it is. Go to commercial.

Return to Park asking Matt Morgan and Crimson about Abyss. The two deny any knowledge about his whereabouts. Park leaves, and the pair talk about their upcoming match, saying that they’re going to put the loss behind them, although his comments do make it seem like Crimson thinks that Morgan was mostly responsible for the loss.

Match: Robbie E/Robbie T v Matt Morgan/Crimson
Who I want to win: Morgan/Crimson
Who I think will win: Morgan/Crimson

I cannot even envision a future in which the Robbsey Twins have tag team gold. It’s enough of an affront to have Robbie E as the TV champ. Tonight, believe it or not, the Twins come out in matching pink and white sweater tops with black and green trunks.

This is a number one contenders’ match, which makes me wonder why the Twins are involved. Have they really tagged together that often? Crimson starts off against Twin E and quickly takes control, but then Twin T is tagged in and things get a bit rougher and more physical.

The Twins actually work reasonably well as a tag team, and set up a number of double-team moves on Crimson. Crimson slams Twin T and both tag out. Morgan smashes Twin E and takes out Twin T while he’s at it. Morgan hits the Carbon Footprint on Twin E, but then Crimson tags himself in and covers Twin E for the win.

Winner: Morgan/Crimson (my record: 2/1)

Cut to AJ Styles talking about Kazarian and Daniels, who says that he’s figured out how to handle them and that they’re not going to like it. Go to commercial.

Return to a recap of last week’s gauntlet match, then go live to AJ coming to the ring. He enters the ring, gets a microphone, then starts to speak before he is drowned out by the “AJ” chants. He then starts talking about the upcoming 10th anniversary of TNA, which prompts some “TNA” chants. He talks a bit about the history of TNA and himself before being interrupted by Daniels (accompanied by Kazarian).

Daniels says that he came back to the company to stand by AJ’s side, but while his friendship got AJ fortune and fame, all the friendship got for Daniels was fired. That’s why he’s putting himself first now, and he encouraged Kazarian to do the same thing. He then hands to mic to Kazarian.

Kaz says that everyone has turned their back on AJ because he’s transparent and gullible and trusts people he shouldn’t trust. Maybe the problem isn’t with the people who have turned their backs on AJ, maybe the problem is with AJ. AJ says that he doesn’t see any friends out here, just some lying backstabbing pricks. So he won’t associate himself with friends anymore, he’s just going to associate himself with a real … (seems at a loss for words) … a real …

(From the back) “ASSHOLE!” Hit Mr. Anderson’s music, and out he comes. AJ and Anderson start to pummel Daniels and Kazarian, dragging them both into the ring before unceremoniously tossing them out on their asses.

Cut to Garrett knocking on a door and asking an unseen person whether he’s ready to go, then saying “OK, I’ll see you out there” before walking away. Gee, I can't imagine who that might have been. Cut to commercial.

On the return, we see Gunner and Angle come to the ring to boos from the crowd. Garrett comes out to a mild pop from the crowd. He pauses on the ramp, and behind him the music for Jeff Hardy hits. The announcers make a valiant attempt at pretending to be surprised.

Match: Gunner/Kurt Angle v Garrett Bischoff/Jeff Hardy
Who I want to win: Gunner/Angle
Who I think will win: Bischoff/Hardy

I dislike Hardy and his gimmick, I don’t think Garrett is worth much either, so I do want Gunner and Angle to win. I think that creative will give the victory to Garrett and Hardy though.

Angle and Gunner rush Garrett and Hardy as the bell rings, knocking Garrett out of the ring. The match starts with Angle and Hardy. Angle beats Hardy down for a while (with occasional help from Gunner outside the ring). Angle and Hardy are down, and Gunner rushes across the ring to take out Garrett. Angle eventually tags in Gunner while keeping Hardy trapped, and Gunner continues the beat down on Hardy, who tries unsuccessfully to mount a comeback. Gunner and Angle continue to keep Hardy away from his corner and the tag. (Why? If I were – kayfabe – Angle and Gunner, I would WANT the less experienced and weaker member of the opposing team in the ring. Of course, by wearing down Hardy, they may think that they’re neutralizing the bigger threat first.)

The announcers say that a match for next week will be Mr. Anderson v Christopher Daniels. (Yay!)

Hardy keeps getting massacred for quite a long time until he rolls up Angle to a pin. Unfortunately, the ref is involved with keeping Garrett and Gunner apart and doesn’t notice, allowing Angle to escape. Gunner gets Hardy in a sleeper hold, but Hardy escapes and hits a high risk move off of the top turnbuckle. The ref goes outside the ring to keep Angle and Garrett apart (when will Garrett figure out the basics of this “sport?”) Finally, Hardy tags Garrett in against Angle and Garrett starts a beat down on the Olympic champion. (Yes, that sounds as ridiculous to me as it does to you.)

Garrett drop kicks Gunner off of the ring apron, does a DDT on Angle and goes for the pin but is interrupted by Gunner. Angle and Gunner toss Garrett into the ropes and Hardy slips in a blind tag. Garrett clotheslines both Angle and Gunner, then Hardy hits a Swanton Bomb onto Angle and pins him for the win. Hardy and Garrett celebrate in the ring, and Hardy takes off his shirt to lots of high-pitched squealing from the audience girlie girls.

Winner: Bischoff/Hardy (my record: 3/1)

Fade out.

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Comments

  1. The Next Big Thing's Avatar
    I ahven't seen tna in a long time and from the sounds of it it sounds like a shit show. However, this review was a good read and instead of watching tna I'll just keep up with these reviews good job!
  2. Roc Away's Avatar
    These reviews are often more entertaining than watching the show! Good job.
  3. ComingToCinemas's Avatar
    So glad I bailed on TNA once Hogan and Bischoff showed up. Feels like I just read an episode of Thunder lol.

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