Future Ridiculous Gimmicks - Reinventing the cartoon era with relevance
by, 10-07-2011 at 06:58 PM (2927 Views)
Who has a piece in their heart for the cartoon era? I do. Anybody born in the 80's definitely does, I don't know so much about people after that, but by now I'm sure people have had ample coverage provided by that saviour of wrestling, Youtube!
The Attitude era changed wrestling forever. It was a supremely awesome time to be a wrestling fan but it has made things a little too serious, and they can never go back to where they once where as the powers that be want to legitimise their business to be on par with UFC and the like. This'll never happen, not because WWE is simulated, but because it has been cheesy as bad tv shows can get the last few years. The attitude era was class, but they had gone so far that they couldn't go back, even when they reverted to PG.
What however, if VKM and family made the ballsy move to bring it back just like the 80's? In a way they are doing their damn best, but too many of the characters are serious, that anybody with a gimmick (eg Zack Ryder) is seen as a joke by hardcore fans and portrayed that way on television. The one big, big, BIG, obstacle from preventing such a thing from happening is Vince's legendary ego. Basically, he wants to be respected and like we are often told, he is determined to be successful. However, say he abandons this whole philosophy and brings the E back to it's most successful and culturally relevant style, the cartoon superhero, entertainment purely for kiddies. He has been gearing this way for quite a while now, but too many of the roster need a gimmick. It would be crazy, it could be a huge success, and it would send all loyal fans into a frenzy. But guys, really all we want is for our kids to be happy, and if they can enjoy the kind of thing I loved, I'm all for it.
Here are some of the current roster and their hilarious reinventions. Keep in mind that this is just like the 80's and the Hogan is clearly already crafted in John Cena so these are the good back up gimmicks. We already have some.
Alberto Del Rio - The new million dollar man (Yes, he IS NOT actually Ted Di Biase, but come on, it is basically the same gimmick, just lamer)
Zack Ryder - Give Zack a tag partner, how about Curt Hawkins, and maybe make a stable with Trent Baretta as their all good mates apparently, and make them this new generations version of the rockers or something. The Rockers were cool in the 80's as a kid, but I'm sure people in their 20's/30's back then thought they were a bunch of douchebags. Ryder already is loosely based on the Jersey Shore kind of character, which is this generations douchbag phenomenon, and voila! The kids will love them. And if the kids cheer, that means they're over.
Dolph Ziggler - With a name like Dolph Ziggler I don't know if anyone can really take him seriously. He has the arrogance and by virtue of having the only manager on WWE at his side Vickie, the Heenan for the new era. Kid's will pay attention to Dolph cause of his funny name and arrogant ways. I can't stop thinking of him being the new Mr Perfect.
Air Boom - We may be already in this era, and while we think Air Boom is great for tag team wrestling, we should think of their gimmick. They will (and are) be over because of their good guy demeanor and awesome to the max in the ears of an 8 year old team name.
Santino Marella - Funny guy, definitely the Koko B Ware should the federation actually go tits up and return to the 80's.
Now let's get creative and think of some corny gimmicks
In the 80's, pretty much everybody was over. Everybody could sell merchandise too. Big Boss Man was a cop, Tugboat was even over because he was colourful and big, Legion of Doom wore cool spiky things on their shoulder pads and had an epic ring name, and you could go on and on. Even getting a nickname like "The Hammer" would do wonders for a guy in the eyes of a kid, and I know back in the day I only liked Greg Valentine cause of his nickname and his delightfully silken mullet. Same with Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat. "Whoa, dragons are cool". And so on and so forth.
So enough of that waffle, here's some more waffle projected through some of my zany idea's.
Wade Barrett, The Rugby loving Englishman. Basically, have him come to the ring in an English rugby kit, along with a rugby ball (could be used as his signature dreaded foreign object) and talk a whole lot about rugby in his interviews in an intimidating way. He could even form a rugby loving stable with Mason Ryan (Wales), Drew McIntyre (Scotland), Justin Gabriel (South Africa), Uso's(Samoa). Sheamus would fit right in but his token Irish guy gimmick is a goldmine, and he doesn't need Barrett as a mouthpiece. This is only a possibility though, I would hope should they think of such an atrocity that Barrett would be the sole rugby gimmick, it would be more impactful and a lot less gay.
Drew McIntyre - As the scots are no longer the force they were in rugby, McIntyre should be something the scots are good at. How about a stereotypical kilt wearing drunk. His current gimmick is an example of the mega serious and boring persona that is pretty much duplicated by 70% of the roster (thank you Randy Orton) so you may as well change him. After a few years Vince/Steph/Hunter might see money signs and unite McIntyre and Sheamus as a stereotypical drunken Scot/Irish combo, that can be dominant at most times but partake in the odd scrap themselves. "Those lovable drunks, can they ever get along??" cue much hilarity!
David Otunga - Love him or hate him, or just don't understand why he's getting a constant push, the wheels are already in motion. Meet the lawyer gimmick for this bold new direction, Irwin R Schyster but shit.
Tyler Reks - Some kind of hippie gimmick is tailor made for him, or a heavy metal gimmick. I recommend the hippie though, he doesn't look like he can pull off the cheesy metal "this goes up to 11" gimmick that I'm imagining.
Yoshi Tatsu - Already apparently some wierdo cartoony Japanese guy according to me after seeing his profile pic on the WWE's superstar website.
Jinder Mahal - Well, he's indian, it's only a matter of time until they give him some beggar gimmick, or Aladdin gimmick, or make him into the Apu Nahasapainapetalain of wrestling , or something along that line of harmless racism Vince McMahon enjoys. Either of the above would see him go over, but be stuck on the lower card, which is evidently where he belongs anyway.
Heath Slater - If they are going to continue calling him the One Man rock band they would do well to actually back it up with some over the top rock n' roll appearance. As he has no charisma, kids will be enamoured with him for his image only, and give him a mouthpiece so he can actually have promo's, because the one man rock band would look damn logical like many other gimmicks we've seen if someone extra who's not even in the band does all the talking, making it a 2 man rock band. Actually, his mouthpiece could be his "agent", who does all the talking for his arrogant star.
Skip Sheffield - On the run - Dress him up in the classic white and black stripes jailbird, with tiny white and black striped hat, and redebut him with the gimmick "escaped jailbird". No doubt, as he has excaped from jail, he would be forever heel, unless an agle was ever done proving that he was innocent all along. The original plan is for him as a pee pee stain scary heel, who will largely feud with.
"The Marine" Ted Di Biase - Di Biase's current gimmick (one of the 70% bland generic acts I mentioned earlier) is in need of a change. Why not have him fit into his role of the marine. I havent seen the film, but WWE were obviously high on the idea of him being a marine that they'd make a film of it. He can still be as bland as he has always been, but just have him come out dressed like a marine, and doing a salute and so on, and presto, thats a good guy for you.
Well, I don't know what else to say. I really should be on creative, that Wade Barrett - Rugby Assassin, catchphrase "Try me" seems like a real goer to me, expecially with the rugby ball as a new relevant weapon in wrestl...sports enter...entertainment!!?!
Most importantly, the use of vignettes and those classic speech windows of a guy talking about whatever the hell he wants while the camera is on the ring are to be predominant. You don't need long promo's to get a character over, all you need is a wacky gimmick that kids will buy into and get their parents to shell money out for, and a couple of 15-20 seconds of those speech windows to make them look intimidating but not too frightening for the kids and everythings all going smooth.
Does anyone else have any other idea's, some of them are already in motion (I have mentioned some, I have probably forgotten several more)they just need to be put up to 100.
How about Daniel "The Wizard" Bryan? Dresses up like the Genius in the past era on entrance to the ring, really bringing to the fore his apparent "nerdiness."
Maybe change Alex Reily to Axel Riley to make him sound tougher and more badass and make him look a bit more like Axel from Streets of Rage while you're at it?
"Wack" Jack Swagger? The talented and gifted athlete with more than just a few screws loose, including a delightful speech impediment thats fun for the whole family.
And Booker T will remain in the commentary booth of course.
The new era is dawning, I can feel it.