I Believe the phrase was "Phony Punk"
by, 07-30-2011 at 06:48 AM (7785 Views)
John Cena has sucked for a long time.
It's common knowledge that the only people still in Cenation are kids and women. Even the few guys who still rock fruity have one foot out the door and dreams of greener pastures in Chicagoland. You take a look at the biggest guys in WWE, the "go-home" guys, and that's John Cena and Randy Orton. And the difference there can be summed up pretty easily.
On Orton's side you get
"LET'S GO RANDY!"
"LET'S GO ORTON!"
Cena? Rock said it best
"LET'S GO CENA!"
Well why does Cena suck? Why do people hate him? When did they start hating him? I've been thinking about it recently and I came up with the answer that Cena always did. Cena always sucked. There was never a time when he didn't. True, there was a time when Cena wasn't hated like he is now. What was different then? Let's look at nuts and bolts as I see it. So what makes people like a wrestler? What makes a wrestler good?
There's three things a wrestler has that make people like him. Three main areas. One, mic skills. Two, ring skills. Three, a look. Let's look at Cena in each department.
First one is mic skills. This is easily Cena's strongest area. It's the reason he's so over and the reason he's lasted so long. Cena can sell a few words. But if he's so great on the mic then why can't he just convince people and win them back over with each new promo? Why don't people love him for what he does on the mic all the time? When I was thinking about it recently the answer I came up with is just simply that each promo is the same shit. He can't win people over with each new promo because there is no new promo. It's the same damn promo each time. Seriously you could take all of his stupid promos, stack them up next to eachother, and they'd all be the same with words rearranged.
Cena has mastered inflection and tone in his voice. Like the Rock, he's dramatic. Unlike the Rock, he's repetitive and cheesy. Here's an average Cena promo. Pretend I'm Cena, in a reply to Miz or someone else.
"WHOA WHOA WHOA HANG ON HANG ON HANG ON JUST A SECOND! JUST ONE SECOND! (one hang on too many). WHAT AM I HEARING?! WHAT IS THE WWE UNIVERSE HERE IN THIS BUILDING HEARING?! (we're not with you and pretending we are pisses us off. you lost your ability to speak for us if you ever had it.) YOU KNOW MIZ IF YOU SPENT HALF AS MUCH TIME COMPETING IN THIS RING AS YOU DO TALKING IN IT YOU MIGHT HAVE A TITLE AROUND YOUR(here's where he slows down and lowers his voice because it's joke time)... RATHER FEMININE... RATHER DOUGHY... RATHER WHINY WAIST. BUT YOU DONT. (now we're serious) YOU DON'T BECAUSE YOU DON'T COMPETE. (here comes the boston) AH GOT THIS TITLE CUZ AH COMPETE IN THIS RING EVRUH NIGHT. IN FRONT OF THESE PEOPLE. CUZ AH BELEIVE IN THIS AND AH BELIEVE IN THE WWE TITLE! (he pronounced that last statement like a question. he went up in pitch at the end there. he does that) I SUGGEST WE JUST STOP ALL THIS TALK AND THROW DOWN AND SETTLE IT IN A MATCH (a "match".)
It's the same shit. All he has is a talent for emoting and he says nothing new. It's the same crap and older people see through it. I don't think the Rock knew how much truth he was speaking or maybe he did. But the fact is that adult males can "see through bullshit." And each one of Cena's promos is phony. Much of Cena on the mic nowadays is just phony.
So that's mic skills. There, but lacking substance, lately, if they ever had it. So basically they're phony.
I'll leave his look for last. So his in-ring skills. Arguably his weakest area. What's right or wrong about them? Well frankly they're not there. Cena wins a million matches without fighting them. His main skills are doing a few maneuvers to end the match after he gets beaten down. Now he's not alone in this, great names in the past have followed this formula. And even the Rock is guilty of that. But Cena brings a special devotion to this crap formula.
Now, there's some people who will argue that he can wrestle, and they usually mention OVW. Now if you'll forgive me but I don't follow OVW and don't know about his matches there from years ago. And if you'll forgive me once again that I'm not gonna go take the risk to watch a bunch of Cena matches to see if he has ring skills. I'm only concerned with what I see of Cena in the WWE.
Now, there's some people who will again argue he can wrestle, and they run down his moves he does in the WWE. They usually mention some basic crap like arm drag, hip toss, dropkick. To that I say if you can count that stuff then that means that half the roster is stealing Cena's signatures. The main move he does that you don't see often is the fisherman suplex. And he botches that shit every time. Someone should tell Cena they're supposed to land on their back not right on their freakin tailbone. Jesus I cringe for his opponents.
So basically, in addition to his comeback, he's got a selection of basic moves that somehow all became signatures, in addition to a poorly done fisherman suplex. Phony.
Now, you'll notice before that when I was talking about his mic skills I omitted his rap ability. This ties in with his look so I'll talk about that now. So, his look. Now before I could go "It's a pair of jeans. It's a friggin pair of jeans." There is to be remembered that Cena's look is culturally relevant. Or at least in the last decade it was culturally relevant. In the early and mid of the last decade, hip-hop was on its highest peak. Cena's look was relevant. As hip-hop faded a bit, so too did Cena change his look. He dropped the bling and the jerseys and somehow picked up an army thing that he had for a while. But his real transition, his real change and most meaningful change, came when he turned into the super hero.
DUH DUH DUH! HIS MOMENTUM IS MORE POWERFUL THAN A LOCOMOTIVE! HIS COMEBACKS HAPPEN FASTER THAN SPEEDING BULLET! RIGHT TO YOUR HEAD VIEWER! HE'S ABLE TO BURY ALL WRESTLERS IN A SINGLE SLAM!
Yeah. Cena became personified by the rainbow, a credo, and children everywhere loved him. And then he was unstoppable. And the kids loved him for being unstoppable. And the adults threw up. Batman, one of the most successful superheros, and perhaps the single most relevant to the older audience, has bad days. He isn't perfect. He has inner turmoil and he's just like you and me. He gets by on his determination and his wit. Not Cena. Cena gets by on his 5 moves and the love of children. So all that said. Right now that's what Cena's look is based on. Being unstoppable and being hero.
So what is his look? It's a pair of jeans. Some underpants. A pair of sneakers. He's everyman and he's the man. It's simple and unassuming. It juxtaposes his center-stage situation and his ultimate power. And maybe that was a good thing early on, however now at this point, it's boring. And also, it's so put-together and assembled. His entire look is a piece of merchandise. For a guy who wins so much he looks like a goof and that's not it, it's a goof whose goof sells by the bucket load. And comes in separate pieces all sold separately. Here kids! Goof it f'realz! Thug life! Eat your hot garbage and get big and strong like me! I'm a tough guy! That's pimping merch for the man! He was a hip-hop guy once. And this gave him a culture and an essence.
And that leads me to his rap. Rapping was a talent and something he did that was fun and gave him something. And while he did it he had something. If you're gonna be a hip hop guy then be a hip hop guy. Rap. Do something connected to the culture. Now he doesn't do it anymore. And it hurts him. He just did it recently and people we're saying he'd outdone the Rock. The Rock. People were saying that. But he came out a second time and what happened? It wasn't as good. Wasn't near as good. And I think because his rapping isn't so hot either. Or maybe it was just that he couldn't step it up and remain palatable. Either way, his rapping is phony or him trying to remain true to this new gimmick is now making his rap phony. In the end it's phony.
Now, he's a shell of a hip-hop guy that has now become his own culture and his own essence. Which is basically the top wrestler for being the top wrestler. Because when you take away the rap culture and the rapping that used to make him interesting and give him substance, but wasn't suitable for children, and you look at what is put in by his wrestling skills (non existent and phony) and his mic skills (light and phony), he doesn't have much to give him substance other than the fact he's there a lot, and he's the top guy because he's there. So basically the top guy for being the top guy. Again, phony.
His look doesn't portray character anymore it just is a caricature of the centreman. The hero. Which is packaged in a veneer of something that is losing its mainstream approval after the last decade. And that's it, it's phony.
Now I understand that Cena is still something that people enjoy and that is good otherwise he wouldn't be followed. There wouldn't be a Cenation. So let's list some positives of his in each area.
Phony mic skills. Well like I said he is dramatic and good at selling on the mic. So he does bring the main-event even if for us older fellas the main-event sucks.
Phony wrestling skills. His moves suck but they go off easy, and they go off reliably, and they have impact. Again, bringing the main-event. The shitty main-event but bringing the main-event anyway.
Phony look. Yeah. But when he shows up you can see him. Like Rock said you can see him. So again you know it's the main-event.
So he does have positives. You just can't look too hard. Or it all starts looking phony.
That's why he sucks. He's phony. And he was always. It's just the one thing that was holding him back, his hip-hop connection, that justified the bare-bones, rough gritty moves, the over the top mic skills, and the stupid look, is gone now. And now it's blatantly apparent.