CM Punk = Wrestling's Promo Jesus
by, 06-28-2011 at 02:03 AM (3564 Views)
For those who did not see CM Punk's promo on the 6/27/11 edition of Monday Night RAW, I feel sorry for you. To quote the infamous Joey Styles:
Oh My God.
Following a table match between John Cena and R-Truth where CM Punk helps R-Truth defeat Cena, Punk walks to the top of the stage and sits down in his signature "straight edge" Indian style with a microphone in hand. Anytime CM Punk has a microphone in his hand, anybody that's a wrestling fan stops and pays attention. Only a few people in this industry have that power and CM Punk is one of them. What he has to say next would shake the very foundation of the wrestling business:
"I don't hate you John, I don't even dislike you. I do like you. I like you a hell of a lot more than I like most people in the BACK. I hate -- this idea that you're the best, because you're not ....
There's one thing you're better at than I am, and that's kissing Vince McMahon's ass. You're as good as kissing Vince's ass as Hulk Hogan was. I don't know if you're as good as Dwayne though; he is a pretty good ass kisser. Always was and still is.
Whoops I'm breaking the fourth way. *waves*
I've been the best since day one and I've been vilified since that day because Paul Heyman saw something in me that nobody wanted to admit. That's right, I'm a Paul Heyman guy. You know who else was a Paul Heyman guy? Brock Lesnar, and he split, just I'm getting ready to split. But the big difference between me and Brock is that I am going to leave with the WWE Championship.
I've grabbed so many of Vincent K. McMahon's imaginary brass rings that it's finally dawned on me that they're just that. They're completely imaginary. The only thing that's real is me, and the fact that day in and day out, for almost six years, I've proved to everybody in the world that I am the best on this microphone, in that ring, and even on commentary. Nobody can touch me. And yet, no matter how many times I prove it, I'm not on your lovely little collectors' cups, I'm not on the cover of the program, I'm barely promoted, I don't get to be in movies, I'm not on any crappy show on the USA Network, I'm not on the poster of WrestleMania, I'm not on the signature that's produced at the start of the show. I'm not on Conan O'Brian, I'm not on Jimmy Fallon, but the fact of the matter is I should be, and trust me, this isn't sour grapes, but the fact that "Dwayne" is in the main event of WrestleMania next year and I'm not makes me sick!
I'm leaving with the WWE championship on July 17 and hell, who knows, maybe I'll go defend it in New Japan Pro Wrestling... maybe I'll go back to Ring of Honor... [Punk waves to the camera again] hey, Colt Cabana, how you doing? The reason I'm leaving is you people because after I'm gone you're still going to pour money into this company -- I'm just a spoke on the wheel -- the wheel's gonna keep turning. And I understand that... that Vince McMahon's gonna make money despite himself... he's a millionaire who should be a billionaire... you know why he's not a billionaire? It's because he surrounds himself with glad-handing nonsensical [censored] yes-men like John Lauranitis, who's gonna tell him everything he wants to hear... and I'd like to think that maybe this company will be better after Vince McMahon is dead, but the fact is it's gonna get taken over by his idiotic daughter and his doofus son-in-law and the rest of his stupid family "
Not too long afterwards, CM Punk's microphone was cut off and the feed to the show is cut abruptly. Immediately, the question went through my head. Was it real or a work? Then after watching it over five times (who the fuck could just watch it once?) and analyzing it, I came to the conclusion that it HAD to be a work. There is no way on God's green earth that a very precise WWE production team would let CM Punk get anywhere pass "kissing Vince McMahon's ass" and it not be planned. They would have shut him down before he even got a chance to realize it. I doubted myself at first, but then it all became clear to me after reading the RAW spoilers for the next week. Seems like I was right.
For years since the deaths of Eddie Guerrero and Chris Benoit, internet fans and fans-in-general have all been searching for that one superstar. That one superstar that will lead this generation of wrestlers and wrestling fans into the NEW golden era. The NEW attitude era. My friends, I can come to you today in this blog and tell you with the utmost pride as a wrestling fan. That man -- is CM Punk. He has all the skills to be one: Good look for marketing, good morals, great wrestling ability, good wrestling mind, knows how to put over a segment, and is Jesus on the microphone. There is a reason he wore a STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN T-shirt. After that fabulous, attitude-era-like, and hall-of-fame making promo on RAW, WWE will committing business suicide to let CM Punk go to any other company except WWE. If Punk is truly planning on leaving, WWE better do every single thing in their power to make SURE he stays. Do you guys understand the kind of position CM Punk is in and he was able to cut a promo like THAT? He fucking shitted all over the McMahons, John Laurinaitis, the fans, the Wrestlemania 28 main event, and even the poster boy. That promo was so ground-breaking, even the legends like SCSA, JR, and Tazz are going nuts about it over twitter. People on twitter, internet wrestling sites like THIS one, nodq.com, wrestlingzone, YouTube videos, and even in real life are losing their minds over this. Those who don't have internet are literally pissed over his suspension! Once again, the wrestling business is buzzing and it is a great time to be a wrestling fan. A good little thing to come out of this is Colt Cabana trending. Haha. The power of CM Punk. Goodness.
I don't know about you, but I am officially sold on WWE Money in the Bank. I will be paying good money to see CM Punk compete for that championship whether he wins it or not. If WWE is smart and they truly want to market their business, they will have Punk beat Cena and give that championship to him. Hell, maybe this could lead to WWE replacing the spinner belt with a legit world championship. Who knows? All I know is, CM Punk is the hottest superstar in the business right now and if WWE is smart, they will put that championship on him at MITB and let him hold that shit for as long as he possibly can. Let's usher in the era of Straight Edge and possibly even the beginning of a new golden age. However, it can't happen unless WWE decides to pull the trigger at WWE Money in the Bank. I pray to God they do.
Thank you for reading.