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eboy
09-02-2011, 04:28 PM
so what is your best one Liners Jokes....

heres a few of mine

* I Bought 41 tubs of Tip Ex, BIG MISTAKE!!

* I had my Scrabble Stolen I'm Lost for Words

* A man Murders 3 People with Knitting Needles, I sense a Pattern emerging

* I got on a Train Full of Clowns, I was beside myself

* my gran had Diarreha 4 times, same old Shit

Necroyeti
09-02-2011, 04:32 PM
http://images.wikia.com/kamilogy/images/f/f5/Straight_Line.gif

68wPayne
09-02-2011, 04:41 PM
A baby seal walks into a club...

Automatic
09-02-2011, 04:43 PM
I just start laughing and soon everybody follows. I don't know the English expression for it.

HeelTurn
09-02-2011, 04:43 PM
Venisons deer isnt it

SLEEPY LOCO1
09-02-2011, 04:47 PM
I just flew in and boy are my arms tired

I told a man to call me a cab and he said "hey, your a cab"

Androo
09-02-2011, 04:47 PM
http://media.fakeposters.com/results/2010/10/04/l7ptg6iw4g.jpg

68wPayne
09-02-2011, 04:51 PM
Venisons deer isnt it

is that a legitimate question? If so yes, it is. If not, I don't get the joke.

Androo
09-02-2011, 04:54 PM
is that a legitimate question? If so yes, it is. If not, I don't get the joke.

Haha.
http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRPesRs5MJuQwDdeHUiifFDTqiONJPJa TzKR0oVM9wEKrX-FrwC

eboy
09-02-2011, 06:04 PM
this Thread is disappionting!

c'mon guys we can do better

Necroyeti
09-02-2011, 06:51 PM
Total Nonstop Action

Bodom
09-02-2011, 07:04 PM
Total Nonstop Action

[/THREAD] ggbbdndndnfnfjfnfnf

Tay Moran
09-02-2011, 07:13 PM
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

they may not be classified as one liners but i find them funny

Steve Austin
09-02-2011, 08:25 PM
Stewart Francis 1 Liners..............
I was wondering why a frisbee appears larger, the closer it gets......and then it hit me.....

I was going to join the debating team, but somebody talked me out of it.....

I read today that 10 out of 2 people are dyslectic......

My father was a man of few words and I remember him saying to me "Son.......

I really like what mechanics wear.....overall.....

I don't think I got the job at Microsoft....they didn't respond to my telegram.......

I used to be a mime.....but now I can talk about it......

I manufactured clown shoes.....which was no small feat...........

What is the big deal about train spotters.......I counted 27 of the losers today........

I want to write a mystery novel.......or do I?.......

I was a trapeze artist.....but I was let go........also was a trampoline salesman....off and on.....

I failed math so many times, I can't even count........

Regarding my family....I'm the youngest of three....my parents are both older.......

You're looking at a very proud Canadian who is very proud of the educational system in Canadia.......

I quit my job at the helium gas factory....I refuse to be spoken to in that tone....

I have mixed-race parents.....my father prefers 100 meters.....

My father is schizophrenic, but he's good people.....

Steve Austin
09-02-2011, 08:27 PM
"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."

"I dedicate this show to my dad who was a roofer. So dad, if you're up there...."

"I quit my job at the helium gas factory. I didn't like being spoken to in that voice."

"I wrote a book about a transsexual with a speech impediment. It's called Man or Myth."

"I want to donate a large amount of money to a rape clinic and I won't take no for an answer."

"There are two types of people I hate .... racists and Norwegians."

"Receiving oral sex from an ugly person is like rock climbing; you should never look down."

"Don't Worry I haven't heard of you either!"

"Standing in the park, I was wondering why a frisbee looks larger the closer it gets...then it hit me"

"I went to a Karaoke Bar last night that didn't play any 70s music, at first I was afriad, oh I was petrified"

"My grandmother whose addicted to tea, hates the way I say thingssssss(to the sound of a tea kettle)"

"My dad has a wierd hobby he collects empty bottles, which sounds so much better than alcoholic"

"I have a girlfriend, I've been going out with my girlfriend for........sex!"

"My girlfriend say's that I'm afraid of committment....well she's not my girlfriend...more a wife"

"My wife and I have decided we don't want any children if anybody else does we can drop them off tomorrow"

"We have a beautiful little girl who we named after my mom, in fact Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 5 tomorrow"

Steve Austin
09-02-2011, 08:31 PM
is that a legitimate question? If so yes, it is. If not, I don't get the joke.

What he has cleverley done is said that a Venison is both a Deer as in the animal and also deer as in the price to buy it, well played.

SLEEPY LOCO1
09-03-2011, 12:31 AM
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

THEKEVINBRAND
09-03-2011, 12:37 AM
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

Laugh now, but one day we'll be in charge.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Learn from your parents' mistakes; use birth control.

Leave bad enough alone!

Let's just say I don't respond well to authority.

Lethargy in motion.

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

Living well is the best revenge.

Lobotomies for Republicans? Why be redundant?

Logic is the art of going wrong with confidence.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Mad, bad and dangerous to know -- Caroline Lamb, refering to Lord Byron

Make no enemies accidentally.

Marching to a different kettle of fish.

Maybe I'll become an evil genius and destroy the world and THEN I'll feel better.

Meandering to a different drummer.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

Mental backup in progress-Do Not Disturb!

Mind like a steel trap- rusty and illegal in 37 states

Minimum wage for politicians.

Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.

My Reality Check bounced.

My commitment is to truth, not consistency.

My great dream is that I've won all the beauty contests in the world and all the people I don't like are forced to build me a castle in France

My life's really not so awful--it just seems that way when I'm awake.

My mom thinks I'm at the movies.

My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

THEKEVINBRAND
09-03-2011, 12:38 AM
Necrophilia: That uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one.

Never date philosophy majors. My last girlfriend was one and she spent her time proving I didn't exist.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

Never raise your hands to your kids; it leaves your groin unprotected.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Never trust a person who isn't having at least one crisis.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

No good deed goes unpunished.

No, my powers can only be used for good.

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

Not all who wander are lost

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.

Nothing is foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

Nothing is so firmly believed as what is least known - Montaigne

Nothing succeeds like excess - Oscar Wilde

Now is NOT a good time to annoy me.

Oh this Age! How tasteless and ill bred it is - Gaius Valerius Catullus (Lyric Poet 87 - ?54 BCE)

Oh, evolve!

Okay, okay, I take it back! UnScrew you!

Old age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

Our parents were never our age.

Out of Mind -- Back in 5 minutes.

Paranoia is the delusion that your enemies are organized.

Paranoids are people too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.

Plan A never works. Plan B almost never works. No one ever has a Plan C.

Plan to be spontaneous. Tomorrow.

Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.

Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: How many can you afford?

Quantum mechanics - the dreams stuff is made of.

Sanity is madness put to good uses - Santayana.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Save the Dolphins? What did the cows do wrong?

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Smile and the world smiles with you. Frown and you get credit for thinking.

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Smile. It confuses People.

So much to do. So few people to do it for me.

So many fools, so few comets.

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge. She only gargled.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

When they hit rock bottom, Some people will climb out. The others will begin to dig.

Some things are sacred--I haven't taken them apart yet.

Some times the only solution is to find a new problem.

Some would sooner die than think. In fact, they often do - Bertrand Russell

Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

Sometimes the truth can be so unnecessary.

Sounds like a personal problem to me.

Stand Back! I have a brain and I'm not afraid to use it.

Strange notions? I got your strange notions right here.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have

THEKEVINBRAND
09-03-2011, 12:39 AM
Take my advice. I'm not using it.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Thank you for not trying to raise my consciousness.

Thank you for your gift of sarcasm. I will treasure it always.

That was before ... now you're dealing with Me.

That which does not kill me had better be able to run away damn fast.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

The best defense is a strong offense, and I intend to start offending right now.

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

The early bird still has to eat the worms.

The empty vessel makes the greatest sound - Anonymous

The face is familiar but I can't quite remember my name.

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

The future isn't what it used to be - Yogi Berra

The greatest political concept of the twentieth century is that of Stalinist Communism. People ask me why, and I shoot them. Pretty basic concept.

The light at the end of the tunnel may be a NO EXIT sign.

The lunatic fringe begins here.

The meek are getting ready...

The more things change, the more they remain insane.

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

The obscure we see immediately, the completely apparent takes longer.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt. - Bertrand Russell

The trouble with you is that you're alive

The truth of this checking account is mysterious, awkward and sad. More Transactions? Y/N?

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

The windmills are winning.

There are times that try men's souls, like after eating at a Mexican restaurant.

There are two rules for ultimate success in life. 1. Never tell everything you know.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

There you go again, thinking you have rights.

There's a door not 10 feet away. It is a fine invention, I suggest you use it.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.

Think of it as evolution in action.

This is a nightmare and I'm going to wake up, right?

This is as bad as it can get. But don't bet on it.

This isn't denial. I'm just very selective about which reality I accept.

This isn't hell. This is where you get sent when you've been bad in hell.

This person is a natural product. The slight variations in color and texture enhance its individual character and beauty and in no way are to be considered flaws or defects.

This would be really funny if it weren't happening to me.

Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those of us who do.

Those who abandon their dreams will discourage yours.

Three correct guesses in a row and you qualify to be an expert.

Time is supposed to keep everything from happening at once -- it's not working.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered - Voltaire

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Too much of a good thing can be wonderful - Mae West

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.

Vuja De': the strange feeling you get that nothing has happened before.

Warning! This organism suffers from dangerous mood swings.

Warning! Whimsical when bored

Warning: You have entered a Tact Free Zone.

We all have faults. Mine is being wicked.

We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

We are not amused.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?

We have only two things to worry about -- either that things will never get back to normal, or that they already have.

We're all mad here.

Welcome back to square one.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

What a long, strange trip it's been.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

What color is the sky in your world?

What could possible go wrong?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

What's another word for Thesaurus?

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

When I was young, we didn't have MTV. We had to take drugs and go to rock concerts.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Where there's a will...I want to be on it.

Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."

Who are the grateful dead and why do they keep following me?

Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disc?

Who me? I just wander from room to room.

Why be difficult when with a bit of effort you can be impossible?

Why do people with so few clues have so much time?

With friends like these, who need hallucinations?

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

You are here and this is the highlight of your day.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time--that should be enough for most purposes.

You can't fall off the floor.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

You get what you settle for.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

You shall know the truth and the truth shall make you odd.

You should see the ones we don't let out in public.

You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me.

You're only young once--after that you need another excuse.

Your first mistake was trusting the people who sent you here.

Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot.

Your silliness has been noted.

eboy
09-03-2011, 02:54 PM
"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."

"I dedicate this show to my dad who was a roofer. So dad, if you're up there...."

"I quit my job at the helium gas factory. I didn't like being spoken to in that voice."

"I wrote a book about a transsexual with a speech impediment. It's called Man or Myth."

"I want to donate a large amount of money to a rape clinic and I won't take no for an answer."

"There are two types of people I hate .... racists and Norwegians."

"Receiving oral sex from an ugly person is like rock climbing; you should never look down."

"Don't Worry I haven't heard of you either!"

"Standing in the park, I was wondering why a frisbee looks larger the closer it gets...then it hit me"

"I went to a Karaoke Bar last night that didn't play any 70s music, at first I was afriad, oh I was petrified"

"My grandmother whose addicted to tea, hates the way I say thingssssss(to the sound of a tea kettle)"

"My dad has a wierd hobby he collects empty bottles, which sounds so much better than alcoholic"

"I have a girlfriend, I've been going out with my girlfriend for........sex!"

"My girlfriend say's that I'm afraid of committment....well she's not my girlfriend...more a wife"

"My wife and I have decided we don't want any children if anybody else does we can drop them off tomorrow"

"We have a beautiful little girl who we named after my mom, in fact Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 5 tomorrow"


Stewart Francis 1 Liners..............
I was wondering why a frisbee appears larger, the closer it gets......and then it hit me.....

I was going to join the debating team, but somebody talked me out of it.....

I read today that 10 out of 2 people are dyslectic......

My father was a man of few words and I remember him saying to me "Son.......

I really like what mechanics wear.....overall.....

I don't think I got the job at Microsoft....they didn't respond to my telegram.......

I used to be a mime.....but now I can talk about it......

I manufactured clown shoes.....which was no small feat...........

What is the big deal about train spotters.......I counted 27 of the losers today........

I want to write a mystery novel.......or do I?.......

I was a trapeze artist.....but I was let go........also was a trampoline salesman....off and on.....

I failed math so many times, I can't even count........

Regarding my family....I'm the youngest of three....my parents are both older.......

You're looking at a very proud Canadian who is very proud of the educational system in Canadia.......

I quit my job at the helium gas factory....I refuse to be spoken to in that tone....

I have mixed-race parents.....my father prefers 100 meters.....

My father is schizophrenic, but he's good people.....

stuart Francis is the Man

heres some more

My Mother used to beat me with a Telaphonce i was always on the Recieving end

I went to the Ice Cream shop and order and ice Cream the man said Hundreds & Thousends? i said well we'll start with one and see how we go

Exit signs there on the way out

Cremitoriums make my blood boil

I dont like looking out the windows so thats curtains for me

a man in a bar talking to a Cheetah i thought he is trying to pull a fast one

I rang up 999 and said i have a doughnuts outside it was a Hoax call

Steve Austin
09-04-2011, 02:54 PM
stuart Francis is the Man

heres some more

My Mother used to beat me with a Telaphonce i was always on the Recieving end

I went to the Ice Cream shop and order and ice Cream the man said Hundreds & Thousends? i said well we'll start with one and see how we go

Exit signs there on the way out

Cremitoriums make my blood boil

I dont like looking out the windows so thats curtains for me

a man in a bar talking to a Cheetah i thought he is trying to pull a fast one

I rang up 999 and said i have a doughnuts outside it was a Hoax call

Haha he is, very funny guy.